European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 16, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse                                New York times f ranging Klags nun. Lawrier likes i hints. Ain and tidy Sam Klaimi Tarun. . . Hair in the sink she hates cold feet and dampness. He surprised her one Day with a kayak she Calls herself a terrible  he has a Knack Lor looking at life s brighter Side. Despite their differences the Klagsbrunn have one thing very much in common they take equal Pride in the health and longevity of their marriage. In fact the Klagsbrunn who. Have a 15-year-old daughter recently celebrated their 30th anniversary an event that prompted their friends to offer not Only congratulations but also a question How do they do it not jus in Klagsbrunn. Of course but millions of other couples who stay married through Good times and bad through fights about Money differences with in Laws and problems with sex. After three years of interviews with married couples across the country mrs. Klagsbrun has come up with a realistic. Readable and reassuring response in a 309-Page volume just published by Bantam books. Married people slaying together in the age of divorce takes a close look into the living rooms and bedrooms of More than 80 couples who have managed to make their vows last. The Book explores shifting patterns of Power and dependency Between couples ways in which they Light their methods of coping with crises and their suggestions for maintaining satisfying sex lives through the decades. Changing roles of men and women figure prominently in Many of the couples stories. Husbands talk candidly about Darker feelings of insecurity Competition and neglect that can surface when wives go Back to work. Working women talk about replacing feelings of financial dependency with feelings of guilt and resentment As they struggle to fulfil various responsibilities. Couples also talk about the comforts of married life the understanding and intimacy that grow Over Lime. The purpose of the Book was twofold. Says the author. She Points out that while the divorce rate is soaring More people Are getting married each year than Ever before. And 58 percent of first marriages last More than 15 years i wanted Young people to know that it s possible to have a Good and Long marriage Klagsbrun says. It s not always easy but divorce does t have to be the first or even the second alternative. And i wanted people in marriages to know that their problems Aren t unique. We All play that game of looking at other people at parties and thinking they Aren t fighting about Money their kids Are perfect their sex lives Are perfect. But others marriages Aren t perfect  dispelling the notion of perfection is one key to longevity in marriage. Klagsbrun decided. You Start a relationship with a dream of perfection. Then you Start finding the flaws the annoying the irritating. You Start to lose what you had earlier a kind of cosiness Aily Magazine author Francine Klagsbrun with her husband Sam in new York  marriage work about everything. That s when it can truly begin. That s when you car. Start dealing with the real person. Some people think of that As compromising. I disagree. I think being Able to come to terms with the fact that some things that bother you about your spouse Aren t going to change is the very essence of  paradoxically the ability to Deal with change your own or your partner s is another key ingredient one Klagsbrun likens to an astronaut making in flight corrections. Change is inevitable in marriage and it tends to bring anxieties but in the strongest marriages both partners Are Able to adapt to the change in the marriage or the other partner and when necessary to change  some discoveries were surprising Klagsbrun says. She found for example that common interests Aren t important. On the contrary different interests tend to add spice. Common values on the other hand Are essential As Are Trust an Assumption of permanence and an enjoyment of one another. In the most successful marriages she encountered. Klagsbrun found men and women who listen with interest As the other talks who touch one another often who laugh at each other s jokes. They might argue become irritated or jump in to Correct each other but they Are engaged and rarely  these happily married couples also tend toward Mutual dependency a concept that has fallen out of favor in an Era that emphasizes egalitarian marriages but one that Klagsbrun views As positive. They speak of needing each other and depending on each other and in doing work they Are not speaking about the weaknesses of marriage but about its  she writes. Klagsbrun concluded that most endur Fig marriages can be divided into two categories creative marriages which offer continual excitement and satisfaction and survivor marriages that offer Little Joy but that last because of economic or neurotic need or inertia. But on closer inspection she says most marriages actually shift Back and Forth Between the two categories. Even the most creative marriage has its lulls or dead spots and Many seemingly shallow marriages Are built around More Complex emotions and. Attachments than meet the Eye she writes. Klagsbrun admits that she approached the Book with a Bias toward marriage a Bias that grew stronger As she worked on it. Marriage allows you to become who you Are As a person it gives you a Security a base to work from without having to be on trial All the time. You can be loved and accepted and go on and develop from  divorce is a reasonable alternative she ways when one person is Nasty and mean and abusive to the other when the couple can t get on the same Wavelength or put themselves in each other s  Klagsbrun also concedes that marriage in t for everyone. People who should t get married Are those who so value Independence that they want to do things Only on their own terms. They Don t want to depend on anyone or to have anyone depend on  a year alter she finished her research. Klagsbrun checked Back with the couples she d interviewed. Only one had divorced. One of the Kev ingredients in any marriage is a certain amount of  says the author. She adds that her own marriage might not have lasted without it. We got married very Young. We were both students and we had so much growing up to do. In this Day and age. We might have thought about  instead. Klagsbrun says he Learned to live with my emotions anxieties and temper. And i Learned to live with his hair in the  and years after her husband brought Home that first kayak just about the time he graduated to a Sailboat she finally confessed her dislike of boating. But she still goes sailing sometimes out of love for her husband if not for the sport. Sometimes you look at the person you re married to and you see the same old illusions that made you tall in love in the first place. That cosiness that magic. It comes and  monday september 16, 1985 the stars and stripes Page 13