European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 16, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Page is the stars and stripes monday september 16, 1985 columns keeping up with the Spring eds by Art Buchwald while Buchwald is on vacation we ire reprinting some of his columns Horn i Paulj one of he complaints kids voice today is that Par a nth. Put too much pressure on them. I accidentally listened to such a discussion the other evening it Golzfarb s House. Young Goldfarb age 15, told his father he saw no reason to study such irrelevant subjects As math Lan Guage science history and English. Who needs it " Young Goldfarb said. You need it his father shouted. Why Young Goldfarb demanded. Because of Springfield. If i Don t push you Springfield s kid is going to get ahead of you in school. How would you like thai who cares if Springfield s son gets ahead of me Young Goldfarb said. Springfield docs that s who the older Goldfarb replied. Of would t he love it if he could say his kid was doing better than Goodfarb  you mean to say you be been leaning on me Al this time because you re in a contest with Spring Field Young Goldfarb said. I did t Start it the older Goldfarb said. It was Springfield who began pushing his kid first. Year Sago i heard Springfield Tell his kid never Lake Sec Ond Best. Go for All the marbles. Get out in front and show them what you can do " when i heard this i had no Choice but to make you work your Tail off. If you re mad at anyone you should be mad at  but Springfield s kid does t want to compete with me any More than i want to compete with him. Why Don t i Call him up and Tell him if he knocks off beating his brains out i la Knock off beating my brains out that would be just  old Goldfarb said. But what about Ascarelli s kid what s Ascarelli s kid got to do with it you think Ascarelli is going to Stop pushing his kid just because you two let up and How about Bern him s son Burnheim has already announced his kid is going to Yale. You want born him s kid logo loyale and you wind up at some Community College in Florida but you Don t understand pop Young Goodfarb said. Ascarelli s son could t care less if he got ahead of us and Burnheim s son does t give a Damn whether he gels in  old Goldfarb got up and look his son Over to the window and pointed out to the flickering apartment lights across the Potomac. If it was just one Springfield or one Burnheim 1 would say enjoy yourself Don t break your Back. Butout there where you see those lights Are thousands of Springfields and As Carallis Ana Bernheim and do you know what they re saying to their kids tonight they re saying the Only think i want you to do is to beat Goldfarb All Over America the Springfields Ascarelli and Bernheim arc vowing to beat you out of a Job a Sale a taxi a contract a Home a wife. And do you know Why they re doing it no said Young Goldfarb. I Don t know  because at this very monent they know i m telling you to get them before hey get  but if you Stop maybe they will Young Goldfarb said. It s too late the old Goldfarb said. Springfield Ascarelli and Burnheim arc too ambitious for their sons to quit now. So be a Nice boy and go do your  ice lot Ane Favl times newspaper clarity is a virtue by James Kilpatrick consider if you please the following a Cylence from an unidentified newspaper in Oregon starting sept. 1, Oregon bars no longer will be Al Lowed to advertise using terms such As Happy hour dimers two for one social adjustment hour or free on signs outside their establishments temporary Price reduction for alcoholic  the key Clem cols of a Send Cnoc subject predicate object Are like marriages made in heaven. They ought not to be torn asunder. To be sure if every sentence followed the pattern of the cat sees the rat Uherc would be no Art to writing but at least the cat sees threat has the virtue of clarity. In the quoted sentence the object temporary Price reductions is 20 words removed from the verb advertise. A Reader has to struggle to pull them together. Consider another sentence this one in a piece from the new York times news service about Yogi Berra at a softball game Berra had driven Over with his , from their Home in a Mercedes for this softball  Home in a Mercedes come now. Consider this sentence from an item in the Lai vegas Sun a stray Bullet struck Christina Ayala on thursday night while standing on a second floor fire escape Over looking the gun Battle Between Blacks and dominicans nearby said police capt. James  the trouble with ail three sentences is what i have called Che problem of the portmanteau. The writers tried to cram too much into them. If you have 40 pounds of gear to carry believe me it is better to pack two 20 Pound suitcases than one 40-Pound bag. Starting sept. I Oregon bars no longer will be allowed to advertise temporary Price reductions for alcoholic   is one bag. Such terms As Happy hour " and so Forth provides a second. In the piece about Berra the detail of the Mercedes could have been tucked away More neatly somewhere else. As for Christina Ayala a stray Bullet struck her thursday night As she stood some months ago i remarked casually upon the pleas ures of a hot cup of Coffee on a cold Day or a cold Glass of Beer on a warm one. For this i was much reproached. Readers admonished me to get my adjectives straight a cup of hot Coffee a Glass of cold Beer. It was a humbling experience. Now comes in the mail a Tea bag from the Albertson s Tea people. The bag offers directions for what for the perfect cup of  i am going to defend thai construction. Some noun phrases have a Way of getting shushed into a single word bowl soup Mugo Beer cd Polca. It does t strike me As a felony to place the modifying adjective up front. This in t like the red boy s bicycle or the Small woman s handbag. A cup of perfect Lea sounds Odd Lomy ear. The Albertson people have it right. On to the week s he phones the Washington Post had Jimmy Connors ill citing cheers from the crowd a Wimbledon. The Augusta a chronicle in an editorial that other wide rated four Slars had a local councilman wrangling an invitation to tour an air de sense facility in Colorado lust before the Brief base Ball strike the a interviewed Pittsburgh Pitcher Jim Winn if there s a strike. 1 have to go Home and  in the sunday supplement family weekly John Henry Faulk recalled an incident Al a Texas Universal when a Friendly professor pc singly called him my favor ii communist the remark infuriated a bystander. The next thing i knew said Faulk there was an old Man standing there with a dip of snuff in his Mouth looking Al this professor Wilh those Roomy Blue eyes and that i m fixin to strike look in his  Roomy eyes arc nicer than Rheum eyes every time. C  pm Pointa  today s crossword by Eugene Sheffer across1 swim river4 dance step 7 very i Paris 11 hot an cold vac 53 anger Illa cd 13 author la vin14 Lively dance15 reckless 16 " Yue Amigo 17 nervous 18 prank20 cutting remark22 Corn grower?24 mislead 28 declares32 ship s crane33 facile 34 River i France 36 Walkingstick 37 role for Gary burghoff39 amuses 41 Street skin 43 golfer s 61 inquire foal down44 Barber i shop Call cadahra46 traveler s 2 King or haven50 sheltered Inlet 12 Lloyd c. Douglas film 19 the heart21 buttons Alda 23 airport3 remain abbr. Der 25 grape-4 abyss like 5 semite 26 take6 Caesar main for Mealone 27 French 7 Tyrone season Power 28 Taj mahal film site8 Angler s 29 slovak need 80 lateral 9 work unit boundary10 speak 31 work As avg. Rotation time 24 Man. ?lel39 Pinch 38 regret 68 Lon Story 56 jewish month 57 cover58 Homer s Iliad 59 female swans60 personality math47 bark cloth48 shield 49 need50 surpass 51 poem52 carting vehicle54 Tokyo. 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