European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - February 19, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 18 columns the stars and stripes wednesday february 19,1986 Beautiful people serve a purpose by Russell Baker do you Ever wish you were one of the Beautiful peo ple sure you do especially in february when the Beautiful people Are being photographed loafing in the warm Sunshine on their private Caribbean islands. It s Only natural. You feel envy Don t you go ahead admit it. And worse than envy you feel unworthiness. You feel you re not worthy to be in this old world of ours because if you were you d be Down in the Caribbean posing for photos on your own private Island. Sure that s what you think. I know. Of yes i know. Know because i used to think that Way myself before 1 became one of the Beautiful people. There was Gall in my heart friends and that Gall that corrosive malice was directed against my fellow Man and yes even against my fellow woman and Only be cause Beautiful people Hood had Given them private is lands in the Golden Caribbean Sun where they were always being photographed looking Beautiful. It is a dreadful thing to feel unworthy. And the reason speak to you today is to plead with you to Stop feeling unworthy. Just because you have never been invited to Leone of the Beautiful people just because you happen to be an ugly impoverished loser that does t mean Youdon t fulfil a purpose on this glorious old planet. I discovered this Sublime truth after my invitation arrived my invitation to become one of the Beautiful people. Believe me i will never forget that Happy Day nor the Day i was inducted into the company. They were All there being photographed Claus Vonbulow sly Stallone Liza Minnelli de Koch Princess Margaret Madonna lady did. Ruth Wisth Zimerand on and on All the great names. And you know what 1 discovered friends that the Beautiful people Are human just like you and me. I remember How apologetic they were when they presented me with my first private Island. It s not a very big Island they told me regretfully because All the big islands Are taken at present but next year when women s Wear daily decides which of the big Island holders Are out you la be Able to pick up something a bit More now t can hear you complaining hear you say of or. Beautiful people sure i know what i m Good for Why i be been put on this wonderful old Earth of ours Rostand on the curb in my sunday Best so your limousine can splash Black slush All Over me when you re off to pickup your Jet for the and yes i Don t deny it yes there is pleasure immense pleasure when i look out and see my Limo spraying your wardrobe with Gutter slush. But you should t feel malice against me for what s the Point of being one of the Beautiful people unites folks like you stand on the curb with clothes to absorb my Limo s slush if you will let Charity enter your heart for a moment you will see Why the Beautiful people might be forgiven for telling our chauffeurs Cut in closer to the curb so you can splash that crowd waiting for a Why after All Are we the Beautiful people put herein this wonderful old world to keep you titillated with dim witted gossip. To keep you amused by our asinine behaviour. To make you feel Superior by living out our lives with such utter pointlessness that you can Rise from your daily seven hours of to consumption and say but the lives of the Beautiful people Are even More vacuous than consider the drab lives we live to keep you must divorce constantly get arrested for Drunken driving break our Bones on the Alps drown during yacht parties be photographed entering hospitals for drug addicts Wear ridiculously priced ridiculous looking clothes remarry frequently engage in meaningless sex Ual relations with persons too Young or too old or Loo dumb or too Bright to provide pleasant companionship get our Teeth capped have our faces surgically re mod eled and. Well All i m saying friends is that most of our lives Are spent suffering for your amusement. We Beautiful people Are put on this old planet to make your lives a Little less empty and believe me folks it s not much fun. C new York Elmo Henry Cou Dve been a contender Byart Uchwal Henry Kissinger after careful consideration turned Down the race for governor of new York. There Are Many questions left unanswered. Whose idea was it task Kissinger to run and Why did he turn it Down it All started one morning when Kissinger looked inthe bathroom Mirror and his image said. Let s face it Henry they Are not going to change the Constitution to permit foreign born citizens to become president of the United states although there it no doubt in my min that you Are the most so Henry said. You re going to have to think of something else to keep from getting bored. Why Don t you become director general of the United nations no said Henry. That s not my style. There s Normal Power the Mirror image said then Why not Campaign for commissioner of the National football league it s the most powerful Job in America. They can t play the superbowl without i would t mind being football commissioner except they Don t provide you with a private plane or a personal chef. 1 have to think of the the image spit some shaving soap out of its Mouth you have to get an important Job Henry. How Long do you think people Are going to accept you for yourself Henry replied How soon they forget that it was Iwho opened up a Gateway to China an introduced Silks spices and breadfruit to the new the image in the Mirror said Don t get discourage just because you got a raw Deal. You Are not without influence. After All you Are on a first name basis wit Margaret Thatcher Francois Mitterrand Deng Xiao Ping and Oscar de la Henry blushed. That s Nice of you to say but i m no going to take any old Job just because i know a lot of Heads of s it the image said. Why Don t you become a head of state what state new York new York is not a real Hale like Mozambique or Tonga Henry said. Nevertheless the image replied it is a state an the governor is its head Kissinger finished shaving put on some Brut and said to the image May i think about it the image beamed. Take All the time you , you look Henry had pretty much made up his mind be would run when his wife Nancy came stomping in the Bath room waving a copy of the new York Post. Are you going to run for governor Kissinger said. I m thinking about Nancy said you d better make up your mind. You have to choose Between me or Albany. Henry sighed there is no Choice when Nancy left Henry looked sadly into the Mirror and said i could have been a his image was perplexed. I Don t know Why she is making such a big Deal about Albany. 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