European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - March 7, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 18 the stars and stripes Friday March 7, 1986 from one professional of another by Russell Baker my doctor asked for an appointment. I said i could work him in toward the end of next month. He said it was an emergency. Could i Sec him sooner an emergency i said. I m leaving in the morning for Bermuda. A Well a journalist has professional obligations after All. I agreed to Sec him that night. He looked awful. How arc we feeling i asked. Worried he said. Gravely gravely i knew what that meant. A lawyer had him on the hip for malpractice. I Felt a heeling sense of gratitude for having chosen a $30-a-Vveck Job in journalism Back in 1947 when All my fraternity Brothers headed for Mcd school with dreams of Park Avenue real estate. Which lawyer nailed you i asked. You d better Hope it s not Mclvin Belli the King of he spoke another name. I had seen that name on Mal Colm Forbes s list of the 400 lawyers who had gone from rags to millions in less time than it takes to make a jury go for an insurance company s jugular. Doc i said i m afraid i have heard of this is he the notorious Harl of escrow he asked. Worse i said. He is the Marquis of i Felt sorry for my doctor. Why had t he gone into a line of work that had first amendment Protection you need my professional help doctor Well yes he admitted. He had made a mistake in surgery liven the greatest doctors made mistakes just As the greatest journalists made mistakes. He was ready to face a group of sensible intelligent reporters and make a clean breast of things hoping to save his reputation. Hoping to influence the jury with a Little prejudicial pretrial publicity you mean said i to myself. But what i said to him was you want to try it out on me Doc it seemed that he d been creating a human being out of thunderstorms and body parts assembled by a grave Rob Ber named Igor. Like the greatest doctors and journalists Igor apparently made mistakes too. In any Case instead of following the doctor s orders and stealing the brain of a Genius Igor supplied a criminal brain that duly installed led to Community havoc and serious criminal charges against the Hodgepodge human. Naturally the Hodgepodge called a lawyer and the Marquis of malpractice would soon be arguing that a doctor who could t Tell a criminal s brain from the brain of a Genius was incompetent to administer an . Test much less create new people from spare parts. And you i said want to Tell your Story to a group of sensible intelligent reporters who will report it straight so that the world May Ponder the sad problem of All too human error without having it sensationalized by the cheap Gutter press exactly said the doctor. There were some reporters Weron there always Rotten apples in the finest professions who would ignore the serious Side of the Story in favor of its gothic angles. That a distinguished doctor had shared his practice with a grave robber for instance that was the sort of thing irresponsible reporters found irresistible he noted. Also the business of using lightning to animate re assembled body parts they would love that. I agreed that there were aspects of the Story that would bemused reporters whose tastes ran to the bizarre but what did the doctor want of me references he said. He handed me a list of 20 names All of them my journalistic colleagues. Check off the incompetent Hacks on this list so i can avoid them when i Issue my Story he said. All Are professional journalists Don t give me that he said. I know As Well As you do that the level of competence among journalists varies widely. Give your Nice old doctor a break and Tell him who the butchers Are on this i recoiled. First you Tell me the names of the 10 worst doctors in town i demanded. There Aren t any worst doctors anywhere in the world he said. Just Good doctors and better come off it Doc. Name me just one saw Bones who s so incompetent you would t let him paint iodine on your worst enemy s give me a break. I m in the medical profession he begged. The poor Devil. Taking the hippocratic oath but tons their lips under a code of silence As Ironbound As those governing the mafia and the police Force. It was Good to see him suffer the agonizing doubt usually inflicted on patients but i relented and warned him of the worst killers out of pity for what the Marquis of malpractice would inevitably do to him in court. C new York times Don f fake if ouf on fhe machines by Art Buchwald in Concord calif., a customer became enraged at an automated Teller and kept punching it because the machine refused to dispense $80 from his account. The Man was arrested on charges of malicious mischief. This is not an isolated incident. According to police so Many people Are beating up on machines that it has be come this nation s most serious crime problem. Johnny Hawke who runs a Home for battered machines told me that More than 50 percent of All aggravated assaults Are committed against Coin machines. Upright Law abiding citizens now think nothing of kicking a Coke machine in the Groin or shoving an Index Finger Down the Throat of a Coin return Slot. Priests have been known to punch out the Glass panel of a cigarette machine Over a two bit misunderstanding. Vending machine hospitals Are filled with broken Candy bar Racks and fractured kleenex dispensers while the perpetrators of these dastardly crimes walk around i tried to defend the Man in the Street. It s True that people should t assault Coin operated machines. But you have to blame some of the violence on the Public s frustration when they Don t get the product they paid what kind of country would this be if everyone kicked a vending machine that did t work he cried. What do you suggest people do write a letter to the company he replied. I tried that once i protested. I could t Spring a sprite out of the machine and it would t give me my Money Back. So i wrote a letter on the spot to the soft drink people. Then i went to buy a stamp and damned if that machine did t work either so i drove a stake right through the heart of the word sprite " Why did you Stab the sprite sign so there would t be any witnesses to what i did to the stamp machine i admitted. Hawke said the assaults Are getting so serious that Many machines Are refusing to work unless they have guards. This defeats the whole idea of mechanical devices replacing people. Why so Many attacks on automated tellers he told me the automated Teller muggings Are acts of pure spite. People used to Rob Banks now they would prefer to beat up their Teller machines. Things have gotten so bad that people kick an atm whether it makes a mistake or How do you Stop the violence a we want tougher criminal penalties for any premeditated attack on an automated Teller and we Are insisting that anyone who hits the bulletproof Glass with an umbrella be charged with assault with a deadly will you get them people Are starting to Wake up to the vending machine crime wave in this country. They Are furious at the bleed ing heart judges who will not hand out Tough sentences to abusers. Do you find people beat up machines More in the daytime or at night i asked Hawke. It does t seem to matter. They beat the machines up in the daytime to get their Money Back. And they beat them up at night to hear them c los Angeles times any is or. Questions Sti Loop. a tourist parking prob Lem purjn6thetvwn ? yup. 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