European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - March 21, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 18 the stars and stripes Friday March 21, 1986 Comins Hitti How of be married for 36 years by Russell Baker we dropped by great Uncle Jim s the other night for the big wedding anniversary the 36th for him and great aunt Simone. They were barely cordial to us until they saw we d brought two bottles of Champagne. Granddaddy had said we ought t go at All As a 36th wedding anniversary is not an occasion when old timers Are just dying to have Young whippersnappers drop in to stare at them. How Granddaddy would know that being at present on his fourth marriage none has lasted More than three years i Don t know. Well As i said they weren t too cordial when they pecked through the curtains and saw it was us. Great Uncle Jim was wearing the moustache that makes him look like the late Josef Stalin which he always puts on before pecking out to see who s calling. Boy Bob the Brilliant Young Harvard business Grad uate with whom i share my life said we must have the wrong address Gloria. That face definitely belongs to the late Josef How could it i said explaining what the late signified about Josef Stalin. 1 told him Uncle Jim always put on his Stalin disguise when he did t want to be disturbed by callers urging him to sign petitions get born again save whales or appear on to game shows. After we held up our two bottles of Champagne Uncle Jim let us in though asking us to be civilized enough to leave after the first bottle was empty As he and Simone intended to plan a trip to Venice or possibly Singapore and could do it better if they did t have to share the second bottle with visitors. After i said we d come to share their happiness great aunt Simone said there was nothing particularly Happy about having been married for 36 years. The trick was to get married while you were still reasonably Young at age 16, or 20, or 25. Then you could be married 36 years by the time you were 52, or 56, or 61. That was easy for them to say but As i pointed out there was no Way boy Bob and i could undertake marriage at such an Early age even if we wanted to because first we had to share our lives without artificial Legal constraints to see if we truly loved each other and what s More before marrying i had to fulfil myself As a person while boy Bob had to fulfil himself As a dynamic business executive by bankrupting a few companies. After that maybe we could marry but by then i would be 4.7 years old while boy Bob would be 45. Forty eight said boy Bob. I have to lie about my age or the headhunters will think i m too arthritic to be a Brilliant Young in that Case great Uncle Jim said it would clearly be a mistake for us to get married at All since i would be 83 and boy Bob would be 84 at the time of our 36th anniversary and at that age couples ought to be celebrating 60th anniversaries. But having a 36th anniversary in our 80s would be so Peculiar he said that newspapers would harass us with silly questions like what s the secret of being married Only 36 years when you could have been married 60?" to which we would have to answer we had to wait for years until we d fulfilled boy Bob said what was wrong with that and great aunt Simone said when you re 84 you d feel pretty silly having to Tell the whole world you delayed life s important things just so you could fulfil yourself. I m glad we did t do that said great Uncle Jim popping the second Champagne Cork and ostentatiously not pouring any for me and boy Bob. Outside boy Bob said those old timers Are really out of it. Your Uncle thinks there la still be newspapers when you and i Are 80." not Only newspapers i said but also c new York times Kab cashes in on Gramm Rudman by Art Buchwald the american order directing the soviets to reduce their . Mission from 250 to 170 has caused a juror in Moscow. The Kremlin has accused the United states of directly damaging . Relations. What the russians Don t know is that the state depart ment could not go Back on its directive even if it wanted to. This is Why it is no secret that soviet . Diplomats spend a mini Mal amount of time on . Business and the majority spying for the Kab. It is also no secret that the Fri keeps tabs on the soviet diplomats 24 hours a Day. Everyone was Happy with the arrangement until the Gramm Rudman Bill was passed dictating severe cuts in the government budget. Even the Fri was hit hard and was told to Cut Down on its services. Fri chief Bill Webster went Over to the office of management and budget and protested that he would not be responsible for the Security of the nation if he lost his funds. He cited Fri surveillance of soviet . Personnel As a typical example of the Type of work that could not be performed if the cuts go into effect. The bomb chief suggested that to balance the budget the Fri follow the russians Only 60 percent of the time. Webster said that would t work. Once they were aware of the cutbacks the Kab would use the 40 percent of the time they weren t followed to do their dirty work he said. The bomb then suggested that since they were soviet . Spies the surveillance Money might come from the state department budget. Secretary of state George Shultz had apoplexy when Webster called and said he did t have enough Money to make a Call to the soviet Mission much less tap a russian Telephone line. Shultz told Webster that because of Gramm Rudman the state department is so broke that it is seriously considering closing the . Embassy in London and having whatever . Business we do with great Britain con ducted by our american ambassador in Portugal. The Cia seemed like a natural place for Webster to go next for funds to cover the soviet . Scoundrels. But Bill Casey was t buying. He told Webster any Money we can get our hands on goes to lobby Congress for Covert funds for Webster went Back to his office and wrestled with his problem. The thought occurred to him that As an Economy he might assign one Fri agent to follow two russians. But it was pointed out to him that the plan could fall apart if one russian took a bus to the Bronx and the other boarded the ferry for Staten Island. The Fri director was doodling in disgust when the big idea came to him. What would happen if the United states tossed out 100 . Soviet spooks then his agents would Only have to follow half As Many spies. Webster called up Shultz and asked him if it was Legal. Shultz said Webster could throw out As Many russians As he needed to meet his Gramm Rudman budget quota. When asked what the reaction of the soviets might be Shultz said there would be no objection As Long As Webster Laid off the same number of Fri agents As rus Sian employees kicked out of the . Thus legally cleared the announcement was made and the soviet . Personnel were told to go Home. The soviets screamed bloody murder but Here s the part nobody knows about there was Joy in Kab head quarters in Moscow when the Cut was announced. It appears that the soviet Union has the equivalent of a Gramm Rudman Bill of its own and the Kab had been ordered for budget reasons to Cut Back on its spies in the United states. They were just about to do it when the United states moved first and ordered the 100 russian agents to leave new York. So now the Kab has the Best of both worlds. It can blame the United states for the forced removal of their spies and meet their Gram Movich Rudinsky budget cuts at the same time. C los Angeles times today s crossword you know la gum you look Veffa i m millar.wm5.ltmr not j wwpob&0& Fuy r tub zom8& Cuoq Mph. 15 a of 71mb 1 5takt.td think about past i6gtml. All i can really Uke Well like i almost to save iu5epwhav5 hair. 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