European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - March 26, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 18 the stars and stripes wednesday March 26, 1986 the Fie defector and 1984 plus 2 by Russell Baker a creature applying for a Job asserted that it was a male human. This office called attention to the warning of hideous penalties for making false statements on application applicant creature was asked if in View of this warning it still wished to state that it was a male human. The creature indicated affirmatively. We shall see interviewer stated. Submit to the officially authorized lie Detector test immediately or get applicant creature submitted without protest. Results indicated it was indeed both male and human and under semantic order 317-204b a-5f was entitled to be referred to As congratulations he interviewer stated. The poly graph indicates you have not lied and since this particular lie Detector has an error rate of Only 31 percent it is quite possible that you really Are both male and before proceeding with he s application interviewer asked if he wished to be read his non rights explaining that he had the right to hear them read aloud before the interview continued though he could also waive the read ing the option most applicants chose because non rights were so extensive that Reading them took several hours. Interviewer also explained that our policy regarding applicants who chose to have their non rights read was to Send their urine blood and flesh samples to laboratories notorious for their High percentage of error. Applicant declared that he detested rights and All peo ple who insisted on standing on them was delighted to hear that his non rights were so extensive but disgusted to hear he had the right to have them read to him. He s enthusiasm in this matter alerted interviewer to the possibility that he was staging an act to make the company the government the organization the Agency and the system believe he agreed with them wholeheartedly. Accordingly interviewer ordered he to submit immediately to another lie Detector test which he said he did gladly because of my profound respect for following regulations the interview was suspended at this Point to give our agents time to investigate whether he had opinions and interviewer surprised the polygraph operator by demanding a urine specimen for immediate analysis. The report turned up no evidence of drugs or alcohol in this subject but disclosed a disturbing intake of High Cal Orie soda pop in recent months. He s Case went instantly to the Board of suspicion where experts testified that a stomach awash in soda pop was Apt to erupt in violent belching during a polygraph test. If violent enough to tilt the lie Detector its results might be even less reliable than Normal. This office terminated subject s employment after clan Destine interviews in the cafeteria disclosed that people whose blood and urine tests had always been sound regarded him As a hopeless pop said termination of course required retesting applicant he and he was recalled by interviewer for this purpose. In accordance with approved procedures instituted by the specimen Board it was decided that he should be asked to submit to a Surprise flesh test when the interview resumed. Laboratory personnel intercepted applicant in the waiting room handed him a tray and sent him into a private cubicle with instructions to bring them Back a specimen. He s startled Demeanour indicated deep unawareness of the Rich testimony obtainable from genes harvested from the tiniest Sample of flesh for he said i am a very thin person As you can see and have almost nothing to there there my Good fellow said the Deputy specimen examiner the slightest shred of Dandruff will be perfectly after turning Over a minute fragment of Hangnail from his left thumb he was sent Back for polygraph retesting and was again passing with High Marks when our agents took him by Surprise and held him immobilized while our communications division issued a National warning about him to All companies governments organizations Agen cies and systems. A Gene in his flesh Sample had indicated he might someday do something criminal. I shall probably have to he said since i shall now be unemployable any where in the police everywhere on guard c new York times never ending Story of Contra Aid by Art Buchwald correction in a recent column i stated that Patrick Buchanan had served in the United states Marine corps. I misspoke. It turns out that or. Buchanan has a bad knee and never served in any of our armed forces. I apologize for any embarrassment i May have caused him. And speaking of Pat Buchanan this is the week in the Senate when the Good Guys vote against the communists in Nicaragua. At stake is not Only $100 million but whether the United states will become a slave people ruled by the Sandi nistas. The world will be watching to see if the House reverses its anti Aid vote of last week. Let us for argument s Sake say that the Aid is voted. What has not been addressed is what happens after the Money is used up. As Cap Weinberger knows $100 Mil lion hardly buys a Good Coffee pot these Days. It won t even get you a working armoured personnel Carrier or half of a submarine. So we assume that even by spending judiciously the Freedom fighters will run out of the $100 million in six months. The crunch for new funds will come near the end of the year. How much will it really Cost us i posed this question to a person in the White House. If you get $100 million from Congress for the contras and they use it up what do you do next we ask for a Small supplemental appropriation of $500 Why $500 million to protect the $100 million we gave the Freedom fighters you mean it takes $500 million to protect 100?" if things go the Way we want them to the contras will increase their forces tenfold. They will need training arms helicopters and boats. Without our $500 million they will never last in the How Are you going to persuade Congress to give you $500 million in Aid so quickly after they gave you $100 million Well Embarrass them. Well Fly nine Republican con Gressmen in air Force one to Nicaragua president Reagan will go on television and say the $500 million is the Freedom fighters last Chance and Pat Buchanan will demand that everyone against the funds be tried for treason. If All else fails Well just take the Money out of the social Security fund for Covert Western hemisphere Okay. Now the contras have $500 million which will last for let s say eight months. The Freedom fighters have won a few Battles and Are raising hell in the Countryside. But once More they re tapped out. How do you persuade the american people to go to the Well again we give them $1 i thought the figure would be somewhere around it can t be any lower particularly if we have to build a major Airfield in the Jungle to support the i did t know the contras had they Don t have paratroopers we have paratroop ers. The Rule of thumb is that if you give a country a billion dollars in military Aid you always have to Send in the but the president promised he would t Send any of our boys into they Aren t boys they re Why Are we dispatching american troops you Don t think we re going to Trust a Bunch of bearded guerrillas in the Bush with american Money c los Angeles times /5 Managua really Only two claims Isth at Mali u5jeu to two iqh6-1imb shoot. Be an that got a cou5in who in k & Matt Rio Nicaragua 545 was inah&&win32 mp5n5p, hours ? of lbsi5. If Macx tin san Hen a Khaito spec Inous the Short a Fellah Coulp Otto fat do it in 28 Yintat a hat i Katy 5hokkut? to say. Today s crossword by Eugene Sheffer across 1 pageantry 5 Bei bist do Schoen 8 strike breaker 12 " Ben adhem"13 pne time 14 vocal quality15 sturdy fabric17 English composer 18 takes care of19 Man of comics 21 Regan s father24 Yoko 25 Peeek provokes 28 curve 30 Energy 33 Rio de 34 French Painter of the dance 35 political org. 36 Sailor 37 ardor 38 Brittle cookie 39 hit lightly 41 support for plaster 43 pan fish 46 Large artery 50 Ceramic Square 51 fireplace fuel54 Arab ruler 55 poem 56 Feudal Flunky 57 kind of fuel 58 Small mass 59 tatters Down 1 treaty 2 woodwind 3 poet s . 4 Rainy Day remainder 5 feb. Follower 6 who am judge 7 beams 8 blemish 9 Fine leather 10 English Queen 11 pub drink 16 employ 20 schools of seals solution time 22 min. 3-26 yesterday s answer 22 genesis Man 23 stately 25 witty saying 26 lyricist Gershwin 27 Regan sister 29 Zola novel 31 greek Peak 32 Atlas item 34 obligation 38 Bride to be sparty 40 observant42 Young boy 43 on it hurry up 44 buffoon45 Flat bottomed boat 47 Singer Ponselle 48 chinese society 49 fruit drinks 52 harem room. 53 blushing 25 33 36" 43 50 54 5f 26 44 27 39 21 40 13 16 34 37 22 28 45 51 55 58 23 41 52 19 29 53 14 20 24 42 46 17 38 56 59 10 30 35 47 11 31 48 32 49 3-26 Hubert or kindly your 5trict new Amiracle Piet has v All my friends talking now com up with a Piet that 1 have 9oaae Chance of sticking to
