European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - July 24, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 14 columns the stars and stripes thursday july 24,1986 he is defender of the dictator Byar Buchwald no matter How bad a military dictator is he can always find a Friend in sen. Jesse Helms. Gen. Augusto Pinochet Chile s strongman is de voted to the senator and vice versa. Even when it comes to setting people on fire the senator fro North Carolina is in the general s Corner. Recently a teen age boy and his Girlfriend were doused with a flammable substance in Santiago and set afire. The boy died. The girl is fighting for life. The crime was so heinous that Helms was one of the few people who could find anything Good to say about the Pinochet government As a matter of fact when Helms went to visit the Good general in Santiago to pay his respects he told reporters that be was incensed not at what had happened but at the Way it bad been reported. He said i am ashamed of the Media in my when questioned about a $500 million suit Pino Chet was threatening against american newspapers Helms said i assured president Pinochet that the major Media in the United states have a tendency to be very unfair to anti communist governments what really boiled the senator was that the to Chile Harry Barnes attended the youth s funeral which was tear fused by the go Vern ment. This Helms decided was tantamount to going to � communist rally. Helms wants the ambassador brought Home for planting the american Flag into the heart of a communist before you get upset at Jesse Helms let s look at i from his standpoint Chile is one of the few solid fascist governments we be got in South America. Youdon t turn your Back on a head of state just because he keeps tear gassing his country s citizens. Is Jesse Helms interfering with our South american policy by giving Aid and Comfort to Augusto Pinochet at this time of course he in t. But the senator could t have dropped in at a More auspicious moment the . State department has been trying to persuade the dictate general to get his country to straighten up and Fly right and this was making Pino Chet feel Lousy. When your troops Are accused of kid napping and jailing people it s always Good to talk to senator who understands your problems. You can fault Helms for Many things but not his foreign relations know How. In complaining to the chilean press about our ambassador. Helms said that Barnes bad advised the state department about the burnings of the two Young people in a manner calculated to produce criticism of the chilean that says it All. Helms is going to do everything to get Barnes out if he succeeds there is Only one person in the United states who is worthy of filling the Post and that is the senator himself. Would Helms take it that s the burning question they re asking in Santiago. 4 lot Anglim Tea sync Chi How to Wrife on on empty brain by Russell Baker do comics publishers of Superman s activities since 1938, has announced that the Man of steel May soon become a newspaper columnist. I suspected something was in the wind several weeks ago when the architects began creating a new office Down the halibut refused to say who it was for. Naturally that stirred talk of a mystery columnist soon to join us. Everything became Clear after i got the architect Well oiled and filched his blueprints which showed the mystery columnist s office would have a huge adjoin ing space containing a Telephone Booth. Who but Clark Kent would require such easy Access to a phone Booth still it was hard to believe they d really make the old fellow a columnist Don t misunderstand. I like dark. He is a decent Man. In fact when his new Job was announced i invited him in for a column writing tenon. He was melancholy and no wonder. This is my48th year with the planet he said. You d think they might retire me on a Nice pension into if of making me learn a whole new Hoe he is such an old sweetie pie. How could i Tell him the truth about the daily planet they re probably twin paying him the $25 a week that looked like Bis Money in 1938. It was the kind of paper that would keep an utterly incompetent police reporter on the payroll for 48 years simply because be was too dim to ask Lor a $5 raise. Any other paper would have fired him for his own Good in 1939 after Lois Lane scooped him for the 10th tame. With his great gentleness he could have had wonderful career in the Spca. But the planet is ruthless. No other paper in the country would Send the old boy up against columnists Nice the demonic Evan and Novak the wily satire the swashbuckling Buchau the canny Reston the devastating Royko. Still he s game. The famous Blue hair May be turn ing a bit purple at the temples and Yean of racing speeding bullets May have left him a Little slow to catch nuances but he still has the old Superman Reso Lution. What kind of column should i write was his first question. It should be a column that does t irritate women liberation its anti abortionists anti smokers or gun lobbyists i explained unless he wished to receive barrels of abusive mail a great Deal of it wishing him a horribly lingering and agonizingly painful death. How does a columnist position himself to encounter evildoers whose vicious schemes must be thwarted in order to make the world a better place for the Downtrodden he asked. I explained that the Only vicious schemes columnists were supposed to thwart were those concocted by auditors plotting to reduce the consumption of Fine wines at lunch. I urged him to think twice before getting too closely identified with the Down trodden since one of the few pleasures of the columnist s life was to be taken up socially by the world s trodden. Clark who is not quite As dim As he looks said i appreciate your trying to pretend that the column business has made you cynical and corrupt and i understand that you re doing it because you think i d be a Lousy columnist and you want to save me from i am free to disgorge the entire Content of my after my first three columns i had disgorged the entire Content of my brain. What do i do now i asked a grizzled old columnist who had written five a week since 1923. Now you begin to earn your pay he explained. But How do you write on an empty brain Clark asked. Slower than a speeding Bullet is the answer. This column for instance took 3 hours and i minutes. 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