European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - June 16, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns time to look fat n foolish at the Beach n Pool by Dave Barry r newspapers hey Guys n1 , it s Summerl Mel it s Ime for fun n Sun at the Beach n poll and you know what thai Means Guys n gals to Means you re Loo bin n . That goes for you gats especially. I Don t care if you spent he entire Winter doing leg lifts and eating reduced calorie celery. I Don t care if you recently underwent liposuction with an Industrial fire Hose. Lei s face 1, you re still nowhere near ready to put tin modern High tech female swimwear i recently passed a store 1h.it had As its window display what appeared to be a Small red party balloon that had popped so there was just this sad Little shred hanging there. When i looked at it closely however 1 realized that in was actually a bathing suit with Cule Little miniature straps and everything constructed by skilled seamstresses peering through microscopes and wearing surgical masks because otherwise they might accidentally sniff up and gel thousands of dollars Worth of designer swimwear lodged in their nasal passages. In other words this still looked As though ii could nol be successfully worn by any woman larger than tinkerbell. Yet real women routinely encase themselves in this style of swim Uil and you want to know Why styling trial s Why. The design the Cut. The fabric in modern swimwear All of these elements Are cleverly coordinated to Crowle a look hat transforms a woman with a Normal figure into a women who appears to have had a Mollure Watermelon surgically  in each thigh. Making women s hips appear to be the size of Foothills has Long been a major Obj Clive of the talented designers at the International fashion Institute for developing women 5 swimwear thai women should not Wear. The Way they achieved it , they eliminated most of the fabric on the sides of Iho swimsuit so Tinl the woman s hips appear la continue right on up to her armpits. This is a look originally popularized by tyrannosaurus Rex a fashion conscious Dinosaur that decided to become extinct Filer it caught a glimpse1 of itself in the Mirror. Lately Llu swimwear Institute has come up Wilhan even More advanced fashion concept which is to remove ill the fabric from the lower rear swimsuit area except for a strand approximately the Width of an Electron. The resulting bathing suit appears to be some kind of prank played by a fun Loving swimwear salesperson Why of course in has a Back mrs. Johnson so that the victim is unaware thai she has transformed herself into the International House of buns. See you on the Beach gals now let s talk about swimwear for you Guys t personally prefer the modest style known As trunks which is the classic a unified Bermuda thorns swimsuit popular among mature Golf oriented men with  scars. The kind of swimsuit with enough extra room inside for you to carry your keys or your Wallet of if you want several pieces of your furniture. But i notice that More and More Guys even Guys my nge ire going for the very Brief Bikini style of swimwear which looks Fine on your average everyday olympic diving Champion but which on a Guy who is even slightly out of shape tends to look like a Small rubber band attempting to restrain a Large pork loin. This is nol a pleasant visual effect Guys. Their ony Here is that none of these swimwear fashions is really suited for the actual act of swimming the Ideal fashion attire for thai purpose is of course to be naked As a Jaybird. This lends an air of adventure to the Basic swimming activity which is otherwise if you ask me pretty Boring. For real naked swimming excitement i also have found that ii helps to be swimming in some body of water that you Are not technically supposed to be swimming in such As the Kensick Reservoir in Armonk n.y., where my friends and i swam during our childhoods. We d swim at night when the water turned the same impenetrable color As the Lagoon in the movie creature from the Black Lagoon it was a fantastic feeling. You d be gliding along in the dark weightless feeling unbelievably free lust you and the water and the night and the giant Reservoir dwelling Carp. You could t see it exactly but you could feel it weighing 6,000 pounds swimming just Belov you in the Murk and evaluating you with eyes the size of hubcaps. Suddenly you d have a major adrenaline Rush and you d stroke violently toward land Hilling the Shore with such velocity that you d plow a cartoon style Furrow into it. Then you d lie there gulping air feeling drained yet somehow totally alive a feeling that was heightened when you rolled Over onto your Back and looked up into the vast quiet Star sprinkled sky. And you suddenly reaped it was a moment you would never forget that Tom Parker and Philip Grant were sprinting laughing Down route 22, and they were carrying your clothes. How to handle rude questions about racial origin j a  u i. In i let Len in  Ollof Rupa Flatt p0-Kan a Ufa Fly by miss manners United future Syndicate dear miss manners i have an unusual problem my parents were of two different races and my physical Charcle Ristics Are a mixture of both. Unlike most Peoples my racial origin is impossible to determine simply by looking at me. Consequently i be been plagued All my life by people some casual acquaintances Tome total stranger who ask what race or color i am. I am nol ashamed of my origins but i find it hurtful and insulting that people care More about my race than about my personality and character and i think to ask such a question of anyone is vile. I be always refused to answer but i Don t know a satisfactory response. I be tried i m a human being but thai seems to make people think i Haven t understood they almost invariably answer that they know that but what they were asking was and then repeat heir inquiries. Whal can i say to express my refusal to answer and at the same Lime let them know How offensive i find the question gentle Reader being of mixed heritage is no More unusual in America than being asked Nosy questions by clods. Miss manners suggests you politely Point both of these things out by saying of like most americans i have a mixed background. But i would t dream of Boring any but my close friends with my family history dear miss manners i was hospitalised for a serious problem and found myself against my will spending two Days of my slay sharing a room. Who has control of the one to set which has separate controls in a double Hospital room i am not interested in to except occasionally. I certainly do not watch game shows quiz shows or soap operas from Early morning to Midnight. Does the first occupant who hat paid the rental fee have full control of the sell i paid nothing As i did t want to. But had i paid half or even a separate full fee would it have entitled me to choose half the programs could i have insisted on eight hours of pcs news and silence if so How could i have gone about bringing up the subject my Roommate was an 87-year-old woman a recent immigrant from Germany who spoke Little English. I did t feel up to coping with the problem so i just turned toward the Wall and tried to ignore it. Did 1 do the proper thing i wanted to avoid any unpleasantness to t played Doormat. Gentle Reader it saddens miss manners to hear a bit of generosity such As allowing an ill old lady to enjoy a Small pleasure undisturbed described As Doormat Hood. If you Are nol that interested in television yourself and could get whatever rest you needed undisturbed by her watching or by requesting your Roommate to keep the volume Downin t it nicer not to make a fuss however if you wanted to insist on your rights miss manners acknowledges that fairness requires Hospital roommates to Compromise on the Choice of television programs. The nominal fee is not that important a Factor the important thing is to provide for the rest that hospitalized people need and Only after that for their entertainment. Dear miss manners 1 will be opening a children s clothing store and am unfamiliar with the protocol of store openings. I have no difficulty planning the actual retail opening with some promotional events on the first Day but should i have a Little reception before this perhaps a wine and cheese party the previous evening i am a Little uncomfortable with the fact that All the merchandise will be priced and i would t want people to feel uncomfortable about that. Gentle Reader Well miss manners would feel mighty uncomfortable inspecting a new store without knowing what its Merchand ise costs. Do not make the mistake of confusing a promotional parly because of its pseudo social veneer with a recreational gathering even if the second parly is for your friends. The purpose is obviously to let people know what kind of store you have and they can hardly find out if you withhold she most relevant information. Dear miss manners my wife. Ram ays that using Ketchup on food other than hot dog and hamburgers is bad manners. I say it a matter of taste. Please help us. It s the Only thing we fight about. We have agreed in abide by your decision. Gentle Reader miss manners Hales it when this happens. Suppose she were to Settle your one argument once and for Allf you might find something far worse to fight about and it could get vicious and Here you would be arguing and living unhappily Ever after and cursing her name. Fortunately she is Able to find you both equally in error. This is not an error of etiquette but about jurisdiction etiquette has no rules about whether or not Ketchup is served. It has rules on How it is served not in bottles on the table unless in is a picnic table but not whether. So Pray continue. Have a question on etiquette to write to miss manners in Are of the stars and stripes Apo 09211. Your question will be forwarded to her. Mass manners regrets that she can Only answer questions in her column. Font 16, 1983 ital put Matt tits