European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 18, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse Columnists exploding Birds Are far worse than communism by Dave Barry Knight Ridder news papers i have Good news and bad news. The Good news is that communism now ranks As a threat to our National Security. Somewhere below mildew and bread Muld. All Over Eastern Europe oppressed Peoples such As the czechs the slovaks the Yugo the Slavian the huns and the have been holding huge protests to demand leaders who own decent clothes. For years a lot of communist leaders have dressed As though they made their own suits by stapling Road kills together on the Way to work and the oppressed Peoples finally just got sick of it. Also they want Western style democracy with free elections and campaigns with colourful balloons and to commercials starring rapist Willie Morton. Of course not everybody thinks this is Good. Vice president Dan Quayle definitely has his frown face on because he thinks it could be another russian trick. So the Dansler has taken time off from his Busy schedule of planning the big Mars Mission to go around reminding everybody that we need to remain vigilant in Case. Cod forbid armed conflict should break out and we Are forced to join the Indiana National guard unit of our Choice. But most observers agree with or. Henry Kissinger who in a recent new York times article argued that 11 is int. To it i i if i nurse to the news i in Mir Ludwi i i . Priv Misrie Pidemia. As you know in you the mini Ilu in r report in recent months i have presented documentary Evi Deru e of a series of violent unexpected explosions involving the following wide Range of organisms found in almost every Home snails cows pigs bosons potatoes human stomachs ants municipal toilets and whales. I had hoped that it would Slop but now an Alert Reader named William Molloy of Canada motto technically a nation has sent me an extremely alarming article from the lawyers weekly staling that we now face an epidemic of exploding Birds. The article describes a recent wedding in a town called celled which is located and Don t try to Tell me this is Mere coincidence in Hungary where some 50 crows gorged themselves on Rice thrown at a pair of newlyweds. Some of the crows then exploded apparently soiling the wedding guests clothing with their Avian the article quotes a zoologist i m not making this up named Lazof or Ganslaw who says wedding guests should not throw Rice because it expands rapidly inside Birds which not Only. Is a threat to wildlife but the Birds explode so violently their flying body parts can be dangerous to this is Well Worth bearing in mind especially if you re a Young engage couple planning a big formal wedding. How would you feel if the last thing you saw As you drove away from your reception on that very special Day was Uncle Ralph hurling his body protectively onto aunt Louise As the air was filled Wilh bursts of potentially lethal Finch shrapnel you d feel Grea because you had nine glasses of Champagne. But in the morning you d feel terrible. I m not feeling so Good myself. Guests should t have to defend food choices by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners while my husband and i Are not orthodox jews we find Many jewish customs and rituals personally meaningful. We abstain from eating pork and shellfish and we do not consume meat and Dairy products at the same meal. When we attend social events where things that we do not eat Are served problem often arise. When asked if we would care to partake of the baked Ham beef stroganoff barbecued shrimp oysters in Bacon or other excluded foods we try to refuse politely. I always thought that no thank you or really i Don t care for any in a polite and Friendly tone ought to be sufficient. Lately however we frequently run into a Type of Host or fellow guest who insists that we simply must try some of this or that. At this juncture i usually say that we have personal reasons for refusing. This is where the going gets really ugly. On More than one occasion an explanation has been demanded which the Host or fellow guest proceeds to ridicule. We have been told that we Are living in the dark Ages that we Are depriving our children of proper nutrition and that we Are upholding ignorant superstitions. It it now acceptable for hosts to berate their guests in this Way or for guests to berate other guests should my husband and i defend our choices or should we simply accept no More invitations gentle Reader As you Well know insulting other people s religious practices embarrassing guests and monitoring other people s eating habits and child rearing practices Are All intensely rude and always will be. Checking up on what other people eat and Don t eat has indeed become commonplace but that does nothing to excuse in. However miss manners does t want you to have to give up a social life to avoid such people lust refuse to enter into any such discussions. A Small amount of indignation not enough to Start a fight just enough to discourage people from pushing you is in order. When you declare thai your Choice is a personal matter do so with conversation ending firmness further questions should be answered by repeating the statement i believe i said that this is a personal Matterand rude comments should be denounced with an amazed i beg your Pardon dear miss manners when a waiter or waitress asks How is everything Aren t we supposed to answer truthfully i recently told a waitress the prime rib was awful and i just could t cat it. She said i m i replied Iff not your fault and proceeded to cat my salad and potato Only. About 10 minutes later the owner of the restaurant a Fine supper club came to our table and said do we have a problem Here i heard you Don t like our prime. I cooked it myself. My family and i ate it. There s nothing wrong with it and i think you owe the waitress an apology. She feels so intimidated by you that she won t even come Back to your i said nothing further. Shortly thereafter i paid my Bill and left vowing to never return. I was very upset about being yelled at just because i told the truth about the meat. Some of my friends thought the owner should have offered something else or reduced the Tab because i did not eat the meat. Should i have said it was of when in truth it was awful just to please the waitress and the owner gentle Reader not Only the prime rib but everyone in this unfortunate anecdote seems to be unfit to be in a restaurant. A shrewd to say nothing of polite restaurateur would refrain from Yelling at a customer and would see to it that no customer goes away unsatisfied. Cancelling the Bill or substituting an acceptable meal Are two ways of doing this. A Good waitress would have alerted the owner to the problem rather that going emotionally to pieces which seems psychologically excessive even to gentle miss manners. But you were being inappropriately Humble. If the food was truly inedible not if you changed your mind about what you wanted to order you should have politely called it to the waitress attention before she asked. Insisting on value for Money is not rude provided it is not rudely done. For this reason miss manners has always believed is everything All right to be a silly question. But this does not entitle the Asker to be guaranteed silly answers. Dear miss manners in formal situations after one is introduced it is common to say How do you do what should the response be i have always said very Well thank you and you however a Friend of mine lays this is not Correct. He says that any other polite response is acceptable such As i m pleased to meet please explain How to use this phrase. Gentle Reader in its social usage. How do you do is not a question. Ii is a greeting to which the proper answer is How do you Dof Don t think you re going to beat miss manners Down by pointing out to her that this does t make any sense indeed Many of the Little Folk customs we Call etiquette do not make sense. Nor does etiquette pretend to be consistent. Right after saying that How do you do is not intended to be interpreted literally in decrees that i m pleased to meet you is an improper answer because it is impossible to know in Advance if there will be pleasure in the association. Very Well thank you and you is a polite answer but to a different question How Are you it ulry it j990 Itri pts Magazine
