European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 08, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columnists really Fred you and the irs have done enough by Dave Barry Knight Riderr newspapers income lax Lime is Here .ig.lin, and i m sure thai the no. 1 question on the minds of millions of anxious taxpayers is do we actually have a new internal Revenue service commissioner named Fred i am pleased to report that yes. We do. In act. If you look on Page 2 of your irs form Irmo instruction Booklet written by nuclear physicists for nuclear physicists you la find a Nice Leller from commissioner Fred in which he slates on behalf of All the Fine men and women and attack dogs Down at the irs let us know if we can do  i know i speak for taxpayers everywhere when i say no really Fred you be done enough i am thinking of such helpful irs innovations As the wrong answer hotline wherein if you re having trouble understanding a Section of the irs secret tax code All you have to do is Call the irs taxpayer assistance program. In a matter of seconds thanks to computerized elec ironies you Are placed on hold for serv Cral hours before finally being connected to trained irs personnel dispensing lax advice that is statistically no More Likely to be Correct than if you asked Buster the wonder horse to indicate the answer by stomping in the dirt. A a speaking As a married person filing jointly let me stress that i am just kidding Here because i know that the Fine folks of the irs have a terrific sense of humor. Down a Headquarters in fact they often pass the time while waiting for their cattle prods to recharge by sending hilarious tax related jokes to each other in Triplicate on irs humorous anecdote form 1092-376-snort. Irs humor example a a lawyer a doctor and a priest were marooned on a desert Island. So we confiscated their  irs humor example b what do you gel when you Cross zen Zsa Cabor with a Kangaroo. I Don t know but let s confiscate its  what a Wacky Bunch of personnel All kidding aside it s very important that taxpayers be aware of rec ent mutations in the tax Law. For example this year everybody connected with the savings and loan Industry gels a free boat. Also there Are strict new regulations concerning How taxpayers should cheat. If a taxpayer wishes to deduct an imaginary business expense states the irs instruction Booklet then he or she must create a pretend financial record by clumsily altering a receipt from an actual transaction such As the rental of the videotape Ling nostril  when preparing your return you should be sure to avoid common mistakes. The two most common taxpayer mistakes states the irs Booklet Are 1 failure to include a current address and 2 failure to be a Large Industry that gives humongous Campaign contributions to key congressperson responsible or writing tax  All o us at one Lime or another have been guilty of these mistakes but i m sure that this year Well try to cooperate fully with the irs because As citizens we feel a Strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. Also we know that our government cannot serve us unless it gets hold of our Money which it needs for popular Federal programs such As the $241,000 fax machine. I am not making this program up. I found out about it from Alert readers Tisish bar and Rick Haan who faxed me an article by Mark Thompson of Knight Kidder newspaper Syndicate concerning a . Air Force contract to buy 173  machines from  industries for a Cool $73 million or about $421,000 per machine lust the paper for one of these Little wonders costs $100 a Roll. If you re wondering How come when Ordinary civilian fax machines can be bought for a few Hundred dollars the air Force needs one that costs As much As four suburban Homes then you Are obviously a Bonehead. Clearly As any taxpayer can Tell you the air Force needs a special kind of fax machine a combat fax machine. The article quotes an air Force spokesperson As making the following statement about the $421,000 machine you can drag this through the mud drop it off the end of a pickup truck run it in a rainstorm and operate it at 30 below  the air Force spokesperson also said i am still not making any of this up i was looking at a picture of a Squirrel in produced this morning and if you wanted to sit there Long enough you could count the hairs on the  the questions that probably come to your mind they did to mine Are 1. The air Force is using a $421,000 fax machine to Send pictures of squirrels 2. Are these enemy squirrels 3. Or docs the combat fax machine just Start spontaneously generating animal pictures after you drop it off the end of a pickup truck the answer to each of these questions is none of your business. If you re a taxpayer your business is to Send in Money and if the air Force wants a special combat fax machine or a whole combat office Wilh combat staplers and combat potted plants and combat Muzak systems capable of playing Barry Manilow at 45 degrees below Zero then in will be your pleasure to pay for them. Why because this is America and we Are americans and Call me sentimental but this is How i feel there is something extremely appealing about the concept of Barry Manilow at 45 degrees below Zero. Devastated woman wants to see sex Lover again by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners Aboul 10 years ago i fell head Over heels in love with one of my College instructors. I was 19 and he was 31. After we were together for almost a year he left or Korea. I was very sad that i could not go with him. We decided that we would correspond to maintain Contact since he was Only going to be away one year. At the end of my Sophomore year he wrote that he was going to slay another year. I was upset and expressed my anger. He assured me that his decision had nothing to do with a female but was based on his love for the country. However he never returned. And in my senior year i was devastated to learn that he had married and would stay in Korea. I have gone on with my life for the last 10 years but the one thing i would like to do is to see him again. Should i or should t it if i do should i Call or write in Advance or Surprise him is there any etiquette involving contacting past lovers gentle Reader miss manners knows belter than to ask Why you would go to so much trouble to look up someone who made you miserable in such a cowardly fashion. She understands the futility of telling you what you already know the Best thing is to forget him. That does t seem to be working. The next Best thing is to put the matter to rest by observing him in what is bound to be an unfavourable Light. Perhaps this can be accomplished. The etiquette of revisiting past lovers is to claim to be in the neighbourhood on other business miss manners leaves in to you to explain How you will happen to be in Korea and to stale in a non romantic Friendly forthright Way that you would enjoy seeing him and meeting his Wile. Don t think miss manners does t know that you Are hoping the reply will be that the wife has vanished and that he is eager to see you again. She wishes otherwise for your Sake. She Hopes that he has aged badly and that you end up with a warm feeling toward his wife who saved you by taking on the Fate you had once inexplicably wished or yourself. Dear miss manners i live in a House with three roommates. We Are All Good friends and we arc All College students on limited budgets. Three of us have television sets in our own rooms. Recently two of us decided to get Cable television installed and to split the Cost. In the beginning when there was a Good movie on my room turned into a movie theater and it was a lot of fun to get together like that. But now when i come Home from classes one of the two without Cable is always in my room watching to. I see them getting ready to jump into my room when i go out. The inconvenience is not that they arc in my room it s that neither of them has had the Courtesy to offer to pitch in. I m not even asking that we All split the Cost equally but a few dollars would help. The problem is that i Don t know How to ask. If i did i m sure they would respond i Don t watch that  and believe me they do. Gentle Reader it is a Basic requirement of Roommate Hood to be Able to talk frankly about splitting costs chores and privileges. It seems to miss manners thai the proper Way of asking is to say i Ley i Don l mind your being in my room so much but could you help with the Cable costs since you like to watch considering the answer you anticipate the time to do this is at the end of a Long session of television watching. Dear miss manners How docs one respond to strangers who critique the appearance and behaviour of a baby or toddler often while i m waiting at the checkout stand a clerk will say something about my baby. The comments Range from he s a Little Chubby in t he to he s awfully quiet. Hell have to get Over that before he goes to  one Day a Gas station attendant interrupted our transaction to peer into the Back scat where my son was cheerfully enjoying the View from his car scat. The attendant said i certainly Hope you spank him when he  the baby was not causing a disturbance of any kind. I Don t approve of disruptive children any More than miss manners docs. I must confess that some rude responses have crossed my mind. What s a Mother to do or say to discourage these boors am i being too sensitive gentle Reader Well no you re not being Over sensitive to find such uncalled for and unkind remarks offensive. But do you really want to go around snapping at the checkout clerk the Gas station attendant and everyone else who says the first dumb thing that comes to mind miss manners suggests you practice a maternal smile and the beaming statement thank you. We re very proud of  she feels that no one will take the trouble to Correct your apparent impression thai they behaved charmingly to a Mother and child. February 8, 1990 stripes Magazine