European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 19, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Column traffic offence puts . Judicial system to the test by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers probably the greatest thing about this country aside from the fact that virtually any random Bonehead can become president is the american system of Justice. We Are very fortunate to live in a country where every person accused of a crime unless he has a name like Nicholas Quot Nicky the squid Quot Calamari is considered innocent until such time As his name appears in the newspaper. Also you have the constitutional right the so called Carmen Miranda right to be provided at the taxpayers expense if you cannot afford one with an enormous fruit covered hat. But the most important right of All is that every criminal is entitled to a Day in court. Although in my particular Case it occurred at night. Let me stress right out front that i was As guilty As sin. I was driving in downtown Miami which in itself shows very poor judgment because most Miami motorists graduated with honors from the Moa mar Qadhafi school of third world style driving. Their motto is Quot death before  so i probably should never have been there anyway and it served me right when the two Alert police officers fired up their Siren pulled me Over and pointed out that my car s registration had expired. I had not realized this and As you can imagine i Felt like quite the renegade outlaw As one of the officers painstakingly wrote out my ticket standing Well to the Side of the Road so As to avoid getting hit by the steady Stream of passing unlicensed and uninsured motorists driving their stolen cars with their left hands so their rights hands would be free to keep their pit bulls from spilling their cocaine All Over their machine guns. Not that i am bitter of course. When he gave me the ticket the officer told me that i had to appear in court. I had never done this before so i considered asking my attorney Joseph Quot Joe the mouthpiece Quot Digiacinto to represent me. Unfortunately Joe is not a specialist in traffic matters in the sense that and i say this As a Friend he is the worst Driver in the history of the world. Thus i figured Joe might not be the Ideal person to have on my Side in traffic court Joe your Honor my client. Judge wait just a minute. Aren t you Joseph Digiacinto the infamous menace Joe us Well. Judge the person who had Driver s licenses revoked by three different states Joe Well i. Judge the person who once during a crowded Street festival in new York s colourful Chinatown District attained a Speed of almost 45 Miles per hour while driving on the sidewalk Joe Well yes. Judge i sentence your client to death. So i thought i d be better off representing myself. I be watched people s court for years and i Pride myself on my ability to grasp the issues involved even in Complex cases involving highly technical Points of Law such As does the dress shop have to take Back the defective formal gown if the buyer got . Stains on it in fact i have always secretly wanted to be a lawyer. I could picture myself in a major criminal Case getting the Best of my opponent through Clever verbal sparring and shrewd courtroom Maneu vers me so or. Teeter Horn you re telling us that you can t recall Why you happened to bring a Flamethrower to the Bridge tournament witness that s right. Me Well perhaps this will help refresh your memory or. Teeter Horn. Witness no no get that thing away from me ouch it s biting me opposing attorney i object your Honor or. Barry is badgering the witness me your Honor As these documents clearly prove Rex Here is a Wolverine not a Badger. Judge of i la allow it. By the night of my traffic court appearance i had worked out a Subtle yet Crafty defense strategy groveling. My plan was to beg for mercy and ask for the judge s permission to Buff his shoes with my hair. Only there was no judge. They herded us traffic violators into a courtroom with flags and a judge s Bench and everything but instead of an actual human they had a judge on videotape. Really. I could have just stayed Home and rented the american system of Justice. The video judge welcomed us to traffic court and explained our various Legal options in such careful detail that by the time he was done none of us had the vaguest idea what they were. Then some clerks started calling us one by one to the front of the room. I thought this would be my Opportunity to Grovel but before i had a Chance the clerk stamped my piece of paper and told me to go pay the cashier. That was it. Within minutes i was Back out on the Street another criminal released with a slap on the wrist by our revolving door Justice system. The first thing i did Back on the outside was made an illegal a turn. Dave Barry s latest column did not arrive in time for this week s Issue. This column originally appeared in december 1988.Mother-in-Law should not provide her own food by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners a my Mother in Law who lives in another City is a strict vegetarian. She gives us lectures on the benefits of this regime but she has resolved not Quot to be a Burden Quot to me on visits. She always brings her own food much of which duplicates produce i already have. This confuses my refrigerator. Then she prepares her own food in my Kitchen and eats it at our dinner table while the rest of us eat the meal i have prepared. I find this annoying although my husband feels it is a legitimate attempt not to be  i think in fact that it was his idea. I always thought a guest had the obligation to More or less eat the cuisine of the House As Long As the Host made a reasonable attempt to provide an acceptable diet. I would be perfectly Happy to have her eat what we eat minus the meat and would even prepare extra salads grains Etc. I feel offended by a guest providing Ner own food As Well As favouring us with explanations about Why it is Superior to ours. Gentle Reader a while acknowledging that the announcement that a guest does not want Quot to be a Burden Quot is a Good sign that one is about to be visited by a pain in the neck miss manners suspects that the culprit Here is this lady s son. Mind you he Means Well. He wants his Mother to have her preferred diet and does t want you to have to prepare anything special. But he fails to understand what a poor solution he has suggested. Rather than being offended you should propose your counter suggestion of providing your Mother in Law with the family vegetables and some extra grains so that it is Clear that you would prefer this. If you can t successfully and lovingly say Quot Mother dear i would so much rather provide you with food you like than have you preparing things separately in the Kitchen Quot then make your husband say it. Dear miss manners a i realize that i m getting old nearly 75but i did t figure on outgrowing Basic etiquette a namely that a gentleman always removes his hat in certain situations. A prime example is on the to program night court in which the judge when not in judicial attire wears that Gray Felt hat in the cafeteria and other indoor areas in the presence of ladies. In the not too Distant past that would have been considered unacceptable. I was under the impression that the judiciary was expected to exude a modicum of class. Or am i just being an old Fuddy Duddy gentle Reader a you know perfectly Well and let us Hope that the real judiciary does too that the rules about gentlemen removing their hats Are still in effect. Ask any judge if the fact that some people violate rules Means that they Are automatically repealed. Anyway miss manners who proudly considers herself an old Fuddy Duddy thought that possessors of that proud title took an oath not to look for their standards of etiquette behaviour in the antics of television characters. Dear miss manners a a neighbor of mine is going to Toronto to attend the wedding of one of her cousins. She invited me to go along As i mentioned that i would love to see Toronto. I would like to accept but am i obligated to give a gift to the Bride i do not know her but i did intend to pay for the Gas or at least part of it on the trip. Gentle Reader a it is not necessary for you to buy a wedding present As you not Only do not know the Bride but you will continue not to know her after this trip. You will see the sights in Toronto while your Friend attends the wedding. An invitation to Quot come along Quot to another City does not include Entrance to the wedding of a stranger. Even if your Friend mistakenly thinks she has the right casually to dispense her Cousin s hospitality on so auspicious an occasion miss manners Hopes that you will have the sense to decline. Dear miss manners a is it Good manners to criticize family members about their etiquette my sister was recently married and Ever since then she has been a manners fanatic. She has criticized How i set the table and she criticized one of my other Sisters about her topic of breakfast conversation a the politics of a foreign country. Also when she visits the House she Quot borrows Quot things from All of us without asking. Is this Good manners How do we get her to Stop gentle Reader a miss manners is about to make a citizen s arrest. If you want to save your sister you had better Tell her that the sacred name of manners cannot be invoked by people who Render unsolicited etiquette judgments of others make up their own rules and pilfer property. Of you wanted to Stop your sister not to protect her. Well Tell her miss manners wants to know How people Are supposed to be Able to discuss the morning news which is the proper breakfast activity it focuses morning grumpiness outside the household rather than in it if they can t mention foreign politics. And while you re doing that you might gently remove her hand from your favorite lamp and say Quot sorry i Don t want to lend  columns to appear sundays this is the last Issue of stripes Magazine in which the weekly columns by Dave Barry and Judith Martin miss manners will run. They will begin appearing in the stars and stripes new sunday supplement sunday on april 29. April 19, 1990 stripes Magazine 3