European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 29, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last laugh a a track old Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers we taxpayers hear too Many stories about the stupid things that the Federal government docs with our Money such As letting Congress get hold of it or attempting to orbit billion Dollar High tech satellites that arc supposed to spy on the Union of fewer and fewer soviet socialist republics but that immediately become lost or crash into Connecticut. As taxpayers we think a what a waste of Money. Why not attempt to orbit say a 1968 Plymouth valiant which would be far cheaper yet just As effective militarily a Well i for one am sick of this carping. Which is Why today i want to talk about one of the Good things our government is spending Money on namely the Interior department program that encourages Hunters to Send waterfowl parts through the mail. I am not making this up. I got wind of it thanks to Dustin Basham an Alert Reader and Duck Hunter from Tallahassee fla., who sent me a Large Brown envelope he received from the Interior departments fish and wildlife service. Its a postage paid envelope addressed to cooperative waterfowl parts collection. On the Back it says a waterfowl Hunters a we need a Wing from each Duck Brant or coot including sea Coots and the Tail feathers from each Goose you kill this  this is followed by instructions As to How the Hunter is supposed to Cut off the Wing and mail it in a make certain blood has drained and  i imagine that As a taxpayer you have some questions at this Point such As was the fish and wildlife service abused As a child and what the Heck is a a a Brant according to the dictionary a Brant is a kind of Goose. A a a coot is either a Duck like Bird or a Cranky older person. Although i think we can safely assume that the fish and wildlife service is not asking Hunters to Send severed senior citizen parts through the . Mails. That would fall under another department. Anyway the reason the fish and wildlife service wants Hunters to mail in waterfowl appendages according to the envelope is that these can be used to determine a the ratio of old to Young Birds a which reveals a How Good a crop was  i have no quarrel with this. Any Legal scholar will Tell you that one of the first Federal responsibilities mentioned in the Constitution is the monitoring of the coot crop. The joke is on you know any Good jokes we re looking for the Best for publication in the sunday Magazine they must be in Good taste not too Long and hopefully funny enough to make other readers laugh. If you have some that you think will pass the chuckle test we want to hear them. Please Send them to jokes on you sunday Magazine the stars and stripes Apo 09211. Be sure to include a Telephone number where you can be reached during the Day. We re ready to laugh. But what i want to know is this  the government also be monitoring the Moose crop i mention this in Light of an Anchorage daily news article alertly mailed in by Steve Burch. The article by Charles Wohlforth is headlined a Moose batters  i am still not making any of this up. It concerns Paula and John Dede of Wasilla Alaska who had seen this Moose hanging around their House but it went away so they decided to go into their Back Yard with their two prize Chow Chow show dogs one of which a wears a jacket because a thyroid condition has made her  so they went outside and suddenly the Moose barged out of the Woods and attacked them. A i never expected it from this Moose a the article quotes mrs. Dede As saying. A tremendous Battle ensued. At one Point the Moose and the people and the dogs All got tangled up in the dogs tether. At another Point according to mrs. Dede a John was lying on the ground and the Moose was standing on his  when it was All Over both Dedes had been taken to the Hospital the Moose had been fatally shot by a state trooper and both chows had become very upset. I done to know about you but i am shocked by this Story. I mean As americans we Are raised to believe that Moose attacks involving show dogs with thyroid problems happen Only in the third world and Here w e discover its going on right in our own Back Yard assuming we live in Wasilla Alaska. As taxpayers we need to ask ourselves some hard questions such As is the Moose crop perhaps getting too big for its britches what is the government doing about it is there a special show category for Bald dogs clearly the Only practical solution Here is a massive expansion of the cooperative waterfowl parts collection program. I am urging Hunters dog owners and All other concerned citizens to gather up your Moose parts and mail them Pronto to the Interior department or your congressperson or Why not the publishers Clearing House. I have checked with the postal authorities on this and i am pleased to report that their line was Busy. Konop Liansky Moscow .s.r. Page 12sunday april 29, 1990