European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 25, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse A parents should know rules of Tough love ill Start with Why in a writing this letter. My son Brian age 15 is now enrolled in a drug alcohol rehab Center in the states. He has experimented with drugs and alcohol for Over four years and we his family did not recognize any symptoms. If we were More aware maybe it would t have taken so Long to recognize the problems he was having and we could have dealt with them earlier. We were All affected by his drug alcohol abuse and behavioural changes occurred which we were not ready for. Parents typically feel guilty. A where did we go wrong How and Why did we fail a even though this reaction is Normal it is not at All helpful. In fact the abuser often takes advantage of this guilt and concludes a yes you Are to blame. You done to understand me. You just want me to be this in effect compounds the guilt feelings. Under rules of Tough love there Are 12 Basic facts and ill keep them Short and to the Point. 1. There is no Way that i can keep a out of trouble or from being Hurt. I will release him to god s care. We Are powerless Over drugs and the lives of other people including your immediate family. Admitting that you Are powerless Over the use of drugs or the negative behaviour of others is not an easy thing to do. We have been conditioned to think that the problem is ours. A the she does no to Chance so i must try you Are not responsible for another a decisions or behaviour. You cannot deliver him from temptation or protect him from harm. Accepting our powerlessness is the first step in our recovery. 2. I am aware that has Many needs and emotions. I will try to respect these needs and emotions. People of All Ages have needs. Even babies need tender care nurturing and Protection. Children need Security and guidance plus firm and fair treatment. Adolescents need to find things out for themselves and feel accepted by their Peers. Adults need a sense of Worth and purpose. It is hard to be sensitive to the needs of people who seem indifferent to our needs or even to their own. When the abuser berates discounts manipulates and uses us we tend to get frustrated angry and even act a bit crazy at times. When they skip classes let their grades slip or quit school entirely when they verbally and or physically vent abuse on members of the family or when they withdraw from family activities or personal communication we have great difficulty a a Loving this person. With new found serenity we can begin to understand the things they seek and become a bit More patient. 3. I also accept my own needs and emotions and i expect to respect these too. Accepting our own needs is sometimes More difficult than accepting the needs of others. We Wear ourselves out trying to please or trying not to offend. Unfortunately this pattern forces us to neglect our own needs and sooner or later we a Burn we become exhausted physically emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes the Only Way our needs Are going to be met is by our taking personal action to see that we done to become the slave or Doormat for others. To avoid this we must learn to say a no a or Quot in a sorry but i have needs the abuser will sometimes not agree with our newly Learned respect for ourselves. More importantly we must continue to know this for ourselves with or without agreement from him or others. 4.1 will attempt to do my part to act like a responsible Parent. Being responsible in the face of irresponsibility on the part of the abuser seems almost impossible at times. When we allow the abuser to control our feelings and behaviour we become involved m a family illness. The problem began with one irresponsible and sick person and now has expanded to include the whole family in a kind of madness. If there is a time for Cool Heads and responsible action it is when the abuser presents us with trouble. 5.1 also expect to do his her part As a member of the family. Expecting the abuser to do his part As a member of the family May seem to be an utterly silly notion. Parents must still be in charge of their own Homes. We cannot prevent drug abuse or abusive behaviour but we do not have to put up with All the insanity that often accompanies it. If he she gets into trouble and we get him out we Are encouraging his irresponsibility. We can and should set limits on what happens in our own Homes. It is important to try to maintain a reasonable level of expectation for the abusers performance. Done to set limits too Low or too High. 6.1 will try not to be negative or punishing to. I know that everyone likes Praise approval acceptance and i will try to Praise any Effort makes to be responsible. People who were once basically Good seem to have become monsters who lie cheat and steal to maintain their habits. It is natural for us to become negative and punishing by hanging on to Hurt and anger we make life miserable for the abuser. While we May feel he she deserves to be miserable we Are probably not doing much for their recovery. Unintentionally we May be giving them an excuse for attempting to escape life by withdrawing from society and into drugs and alcohol.7.1 will attempt to be reasonable in my expectation of but i also accept my right and responsibility to set limits on his her behaviour in my Home. Dealing with a person who has abused himself or herself Over a period of time requires us to be realistic about our expectations. At times they Are demanding hostile and rude. At other times they May be withdrawn and depressed. On still other occasions the abuser May be abnormally Friendly and talkative. Still we must have expectations we must have ground rules and guidelines in our Homes. Without these the abuser is totally in charge our lives become an emotional roller coaster and our Homes the scene of chaos. 8. I know people cannot be perfect so i will try not to expect perfection of myself or. I will be honest about my imperfections Ana do my Best to be an of person. While we May be ready to accept the flaws in the majority of people we Are often very severe in our judgment of ourselves. Parents of drug abusers often feel they have failed in their roles of rearing responsible Happy children. As parents we often feel guilty unworthy and ashamed. The real Point is that we work on whatever needs changing in ourselves not them. Regaining our self respect and composure is crucial. 9. I know most parents Are inclined to Rescue their children when they get into trouble of their own making. Because i realize that taking responsibility for another persons problems does not help them but actually weakens them i will do my Best to allow to experience the natural consequences of his her own poor judgment or behaviour. We must All make our own individual decisions about what we will do when faced with a difficult problem about helping the abuser. By rescuing we May unintentionally encourage him to keep up his destructive behaviour. Without experiencing the physical or emotional pain that can follow abusive behaviour the abuser May see no reason to change. When such behaviour Means Only pleasure or escape it is unlikely the abuser will have any reason to change. Being a Friend Parent of the abuser often Means allowing him to be Hurt in order that he May eventually grow. 10. Everyone should pull his her Load. I will do my Best to resist allowing to be dependent upon me. When i allow this i Only encourage resentment from him her and self pity and bitterness from me. In order to feel Good about themselves most people have to have a sense of doing their share of a doing their when we Are too dependent upon others we lose our self respect. Frequently they become a master manipulator who gets others to do things that they should do themselves. Our Good intentions our guilt and our desire to help can contribute to the abusers dependency problem. This is a poor arrangement. If we really wish to be of help we must be firm. In the face of irrational demands we must often say a no i the philosophy of a Tough love helps us to begin to feel comfortable in refusing to contribute to the abusers weakness and his disrespect for him herself. 11.1 know that the Only person i can be responsible for is me. It in t easy but i will do my Best to think and feel and act in ways that make me and the people around me feel Good. My resentment and self pity Are feelings i can do something about. We know from sad experience that we cannot prevent another from taking drugs or adopting abusive behaviour. Certainly there Are some things we can to do to help another person but we can never take Over for him that which he must learn to do himself. We must let go of the abuser for his Sake and our own. We must adopt the attitude a i know i can to change him her so i think i will work on bringing out the Best and the most pleasant in with such an attitude we Benefit and so do the people around us. 12.1 need other people and they need me. I will do my Best to contribute to my own growth and to other families that need me. I too tried to tackle Briana a problems on my own and failed to achieve the goals that i thought were realistic. I found a parents support group in Frankfurt that has shared my concerns and i theirs. I now leave on a permanent change of station to join my son. I can to make him Well. He must want to get Well i want to thank my immediate supervisor maj. Presley my Section commander capt. Valentin and first sergeant senior master sgt. Roundtree my close friends and most of All Holly Cook our family Counselor. The 12 Steps of Tough love Are never easy to handle but Day to Day you do what you can. First of All put it in gods hands and follow his directions. Note other parents who want More information on Tough love Contact your local adolescent substance abuse counselling services or Contact Frankfurt sat ets 320-6426. A master sgt. Jim Piersall Rhein main a West Germany a contrast refusal to disarm draws support a cafes contribution lauded recent articles in the american press motivate me to write in favor of the Contra rebels decision not to disarm. For several years America has both openly and covertly supported the Freedom fighters in their War against the communist sandinista. Their goal supported . Desires that nicaraguans be represented by a freely elected representative government. Recent elections seemed to have resulted in a Compromise Between the sandinista and the contras and an orderly transition of Power. A cease fire was announced and the change from communism to democracy began. Unfortunately a Large number of the senior Sandi nista police military and government leaders must stay in their jobs just to keep the Day to Day business 2 Rolls of film missing lost two Rolls of 35mm print color film sent to Clark labs in october. Contains pictures of visiting family members grandmother and Middle age sister change of command ceremony Dinosaur robot Cal display at British museum of natural history and pictures of London and Alsace particularly two women standing beside Village sign if you were sent these pictures by mistake please write or Call. Well reimburse any incurred costs a Lynne Livingston co la col. Scott Livingston 30th mad. Of. . 00279 Telephone German civilian 07141-25406 of government going. The sandinista have vowed to continue a governing from in fact they have made Good their threat As evidenced by their May strike which shut Down the government. President Chamorro is to be commended for her willingness to retain her former enemies in the government. But her first order of business should not be to disarm the rebel Force that forced the communists to hold elections. The contrast former enemies have not been shipped to another continent nor have the sandinista been disarmed. It does no to seem like a Good time to turn in your gun. If a government is responsive to the will of the people then an armed population is no threat to the government. Governments that do not enjoy the support of their people fear an armed population. The first soviet action after Lithuania declared its Independence was to confiscate All Hunting rifles. While the russians explained that the measure was necessary to preserve peace in these a times of tension a they have actually minimized the lithuanian capability to proceed with their act of Independence. Liberals May believe that peace can Best be preserved by disarming the people. But i agree with the contras. Its harder to abuse someone who is armed. A maj. William l. Brame Stuttgart West Germany the endless Parade of criticism aimed at cafes would be intolerable if some of it were not at least partly justified. However just criticism should be seasoned by Well earned Praise. The task of initiating the dare program Here in the Netherlands Community never would have such cease this last year had so Many sources not backed us i such a free manner. Cafes is singled out in this let because this is the forum for much of the abuse Iney receive. When several of my students distinguished themselves by extra Effort and work i searched Lor a Way Reward them appropriately. The complication was t they were mixed ., Canadian and British stud from accent International school. Volunteer Tunas were extremely limited and so was time. Our local cafes management Robert Mcsween Craig Sewell and Hans Luypen came to the a Csc y offering the Only gift that violate dutch Toms Laws a a free pizza party at the Burger a everybody jokes about the Quality of the pizza t it but the kids loved it and service was Superb. Whatever else anyone says cafes did this on right. Thanks cafes a sgt. James e. Hurst dare instructor Brun sum Netherlands
