European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 7, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                The pain of failure not most adoptions in the United states happily succeed. Both child and adult feel the pain and Strain when failure occurs. By Sharon Cohen associated press a a a a he great majority of i adoptions in America even i those involving older or a a disabled children succeed. But a Small number of cases fail. Sometimes the parents can t Cope. Other times the child does no to fit in. Here Are four stories of adoptions that did no to work. Stacey when Rhonda and Dan Stanton adopted Little Stacey they thought the next 20 years of their lives would be devoted to nurturing raising and Loving their daughter after years of being unable to conceive the Texas couple finally had a child a a soft Sweet smelling Newborn girl. No Genie could have granted them a. Greater wish. That Promise soon turned to pain. As Stacey grew the couple Learned she was severely mentally retarded. They anguished they cried then they gave her up because mrs Stanton said Quot i just did t have what it takes to Cope with that Quot the Stanton became aware of. Stacey a problems months after adopting her from a private Agency in 1986. The child looked Alert but something did t seem quite right. She began having Eye problems. She did t cry. The couple took her to the Best doctors and therapists. Then mrs. Stanton recalled came a brutal assessment from a neurologist Quot he said her brain stopped growing at nine months. Go Home and Grieve men do it differently from women. Try not to fight with each other Quot afterwards mrs. Stanton placed a. A sleeping Stacey in the car thinking Quot my Beautiful Little baby had  the Stanton were torn wondering How they could keep Stacey How they could give her up. Quot for six months we died every single minute of every single Day Quot the said. Quot we Lay on the floor and  they gave her up mrs. Stanton said objecting to any suggestion they returned her. Quot she s not shoes or  i. In 1989, a judge ended the Stanton i visitation rights and suspended their. J financial obligations but refused to j terminate parental rights. That will a happen if Stacey now 31/2 and in a Fosler Home is adopted. J the Stanton say some folks have i branded them cowards. Quot we feel terribly j terribly guilty Quot she said. Quot nobody knows j How this just kills us i Quot she was the greatest Joy and the i most special love of our life. There was no love like that love. Its like a giant Hole in my heart. A real shattered heart. Time wont Ever completely mend this. We still j miss her  Arlynn one of Arlynn Leiber pressers Early Chilt Docx a be pare Quot a the year do i turn mos uni Nev it the i w part Mak adj Coul very Quot a us n p Hars ado com the Lega pare Quot i peo Ianc they a her Shoi s step ther sorr Quot the eve a Home Isnit an instant formula for adoptive by Sharon Cohen associated press at the age of Only 10, Tony heard the words that pierced his heart and changed his world forever. He was t wanted anymore a his adoptive parents were giving him Back. The couple who had raised Tony for nearly half his life said he did t Quot Bond Quot with them and was a disturbed child who abused and endangered his 8-year-old brother Sam their decision keep one boy return the other. Quot i was crying and i was very sad Quot Tony said in a tape recording made for the couple after he moved out. Quot i was adopted before and i Don t like being pushed around by  White most adoptions in America succeed Tony s Case is among the Small number that Don t have a storybook ending just the pain and Strain of a child and adults who share Little but feelings of frustration and failure. Quot normally it s a very traumatic experience Quot said Joe Kroll director of the North american Council on adoptable children. Quot it definitely tears at both sides. You re losing a child. A child is losing the  Tony a whose Legal fight to visit his biological brother captured National attention a has turned the spotlight on failed adoptions stirring debate Over the responsibility of prospective parents and the rights of children when forging family ties. Quot it creates new Lega questions. On some of the most difficult kinds of cases in the Law because they really do hit you where you live a said Dan Polsby a Northwestern University Law professor. Quot family Law issues Are characteristically gut wrenches Quot he said. Some argue adoption is an ironclad for better or worse  this is not something you go into thinking a if it does no to work we can always undo it Quot said Hal Gaither a Texas family court judge who has handled failed adoptions. Quot a child should not be treated like commodities that can be  Quot we re talking about a human being. We re not talking about an automobile that you re tired of Quot said Pat Murphy i the Cook county Public guardian who represented Tony in a court fight settled in late May when the adoptive parents agreed to sibling visits. Quot How Many abandonment can you take in life before it really starts to kill you quo but others contend biological parents sever ties with children so adoptive families should have the same option. Quot there Are lots of natural families who decide they re going to terminate their parental rights Quot said Mary Martin the attorney who represented Tony a adoptive parents. Many Legal experts say that rarely happens with older children however because the state and agencies Are reluctant to accept them knowing they Aren t Good adoption prospects. Lawyers also say parents generally Don t reject adoptive children unless conditions Are unbearable ripping apart families and marriages. Still there Are exceptions. Murphy cited a couple who divorced and fought Over the property but returned the child and another in which the father who was close to his adoptive son died and his wife returned the boy. Tony s adoptive parents known Only As Joseph and Pamela Doe a Butcher and Hairdresser from suburban Bellwood said they could t Cope any longer with the boys emotional problems and abuse of Sam. They claimed Tony struck Sam Cut him and tried to drown him. Quot he certainly was doing things that were putting incredible pressure on them trying to live together As family Quot Martin said. But Murphy Calls Tony Quot extremely likable engaging Quot and notes psychologists say the parents were too rigid. Both boys were adopted in 1984 after being rejected twice by their natural Mother who kept their sister. As for Tony he was shocked when his adoptive parents announced head be returned to the state. Quot i thought they were kidding. They weren to Quot he said on the tape made with friends last Winter. The couple refused to listen to his plaintive message according to Murphy. Tony a plight engendered much sympathy. In fact Martin said the adoptive father told her if head heard this Story years ago Quot i would have thought a Isnit that awful but you have to live in my shoes these last six years to know How you come to this Point and How painful it  few adoptions end up tragically. Of some 50,000 adoptions annually in the United states experts say less than 2 percent fail. But for special needs children a those who Are older or handicapped a the rate is Between 11 percent and 13 percent and nearly one in four for adolescents and teen agers. Quot marriages have a 50 percent failure rate Quot said Bill Pierce president of the National committee for adoption. Quot in adoptions the fact we have a 13 percent failure rate is an astounding  some healthy w Pool Large neglect o Quot there work out said adopt has been sexually e ago they a Hom Success expert Handicap history a children \ and some children c a stud from 198 predictor families h Barth on the Unive school. A Lack of lawsuit a told of Thi abuse or thus the parents treatment in a Dif Gaws up i she was it could t t Tony n 1.1 his to  to w Nass you Friend a Page 14 the stars and stripes saturday july 7,