European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 29, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last laugh and other tasty treats Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers Loday we present the exciting results of a scientific taste test we ran recently Here at the Institute of scary foods this test was inspired by a canned. Food named a it we Are not making this up a a Armour potted meat food  the ingredients listed on the Label include beef tripe beef hearts cooked fat tissue solids and partially de fatted beef fatty tissue which is always a popular family favorite a mom id like another heaping Mound of partially de fatted beef fatty tissue a. Also on the Label is a color picture labelled Quot serving suggestion a which shows a Brownish substance with Parsley and a Olive siting on it. Here at the Institute of scary foods we Are highly suspicious of olives which in our opinion Are the eyeballs of giant frogs. We believe that if you stood outside an Olive factory you a hear the unmistakable tragic sound ribbed thump of terrified sightless frogs leaping into things. So we were not exactly crazy about the potted meat food product Label. However our Job is to keep you the food Cating consumer informed so we called up the Man fac Petricig Belgrade Yugoslavia in 4 a v i1 a a pfc. A Fri 8i a >1# 8i it i 1 Turere a consumer information Center where we spoke with a Perky and helpful person named Barbara a what is a beef tripe1?�?� we asked. A Well its a part of the cow a said Barbara. A a in a trying to think of what part it  she put us on musical hold for a few minutes then came Back with a solid answer. Quot the tripe is part of around the stomach area of the cow a she said. Thus reassured we set out for the convenience store. This is the same store where we once bought an amazing digital Wristwatch that Cost Only $ 1.99, yet told the time. And when we say a the time a we mean it. If you set this watch at 2 14, it would keep saying �?o2 14�?� until you changed it to another time. This watch was so convenient that you did no to even have to Wear it because you always knew what it said. Sure enough this store had Armour potted meat food product so we bought some As Well As another Brand Libby spotted meat food product. In addition to the beef tripe the Libby a Label says it contains pork stomachs which could be a real Selling Point a now with two kinds of stomachs a to round out our taste test we purchased a a can of spam a a can of mighty dog Brand dog food. A a can of Bonton Brand Quot natural snails a a can of something called Beanie weenies. We also bought some Tortilla chips because we were concerned about an article we received from Alert Reader Stuart Ritter about a woman who ate an improperly chewed Chip which ripped a 5-Inch Gash in her oesophagus. The article quotes the woman a doctor As saying a a poorly chewed Tortilla Chip can produce serious  for the taste test we offered the various food products to a five member expert taste panel consisting of me my wife Beth our son Robert our Large main dog Earnest and our Small emergency backup dog Zippy. The results were As follows spam ranked highest earning the title of Quot the Rolls Royce car product of canned meat  the potted meat food products had the same the joke is on you know any Good jokes we re looking for the Best for publication in sunday Magazine. They must be in Good taste not too Long and funny enough to make our readers laugh. If you have some that you think will pass the chuckle test we want to hear them. Please Send them to jokes on you sunday Magazine the stars and stripes Apo 09211. Be sure to include the town where you Are living and a Telephone number where you can be reached during the Day. We re ready to laugh. Appetizing look and texture of Inteman Organ coloured Wood filler but did not taste As Good. They were definitely a Cut below the mighty dog which was Grainy but at least tasted As though it had once been organic matter. Nobody except Beth and Earnest would eat the snails which look like Little Jabba the Hutts and Are clearly being sold As a prank. Robert spat everything into the garbage except spam and Beanie weenies Earnest licked everything a lot and continued to lick the floor for several minutes after All detectable food molecules had disappeared. Zippy got so excited about the sudden unforeseen onslaught of food products that he had a Little Accident product in the Kitchen. For safety reasons we did not attempt to eat the Tortilla chips of doom. But we did establish in a chilling Experiment that a single Chip is. Capable or ripping a Large ugly Gash in a personally computerized fund raising letter we got from the Rev Oral  a result of our test our advice to you Consumers is Don t try these experiments at Home. Not without plenty of carbonated malt beverage product. Kambiz it Wehausen West Germany 4 / co,.yrtijir o 1990. 4 Sec a Page 12 c sunday july 29, 1990