European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 2, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                When in Paris act French far a %. W r Jane Elkin i Chi cues columnist Quot in the thought of visiting Paris in the springtime was thrilling for me. And chilling because i feared the language would Challenge me to a Duel. Despite a year of practice and a diploma from the defense language Institute in Monterey calif., i knew this French would sound like greek to me. The Swiss French spoken where we live is slow and singsong ish like a Southern drawl but much easier to understand. I doubted i could Ever graduate to the unintelligible parisian Patter i remembered from school. It was an awful letdown to realize that English is now the most spoken language in Paris. And the French i did hear was almost disappointingly understandable. I wondered if dl1 Only interviewed parisians with speech impediments to make the students work harder. Since it Wasny to yet August there were still natives in town so they were probably just playing their favorite tourist game speaking to us in English before we can open our Mouths so Well wonder just How foreign we look. Most Likely though they have just succumbed to the Anglo invasion the French Academy  stifle. Rather than lamenting like my professor at Ali a Why do you love to Butcher our language so a they have taken the offensive by butchering ours instead. Why not there May be a Good reason. If the purpose of language is to convey ideas English is More precise. A Gutter becomes a Sun Ruisseaux primarily defined in the larousse dictionary As a a Stream or rivulets because it is flushed with water in an attempt to clean the Street. Most folks done to know How the a Bateaux touches a got their name. Larousse Calls them a River steamers a but it also defines a a Mouchet As a  since the Banks of the Seine Are littered with dog souvenirs they attract flies which in turn follow the boats of unsuspecting tourists. Bateaux touches Are actually a Fly  it makes sense considering the dog problem in Paris is so severe the recent introduction of dog latrines made headlines on the evenings news. Another cultural institution a baguettes a seem to grow on people like third arms. In French cuisine a Long hard loaf of bread is not a meal in itself. Unbelievable As it May seem these a rods or switches Are really used As self defense weapons a la a the three stooges a most probably against those shameless unbridled dogs. That explains Why baguettes Are never sold in wrappers that might protect their freshness and inhibit their effectiveness As clubs. In Light of this confusing linguistic Jungle i would counsel americans in Paris to forget the language Barrier and concentrate on the cultural Barrier instead. Stay out of the Gutter walk softly and carry a big Baguette. Jane c. Elkin is a military family member who was temporarily assigned to Neuchatel  mystery of space a Cliff Atkinson guest columnist ave you Ever wondered what the a a a in h a space a stands for i know i have. I  stand the curiosity any longer so i called my terminal buddies and managed to get a copy of the Mac directory of space a travel. Here Are a couple of entries. A space abandoned a How you feel when its Friday and they still Haven to announced show time for the flight that was supposed to leave monday. A space absent a where you Hope the people who signed up before you will be at show time. A space Accident a when you get on the flight you wanted. A space accommodation a a i really done to mind standing up the whole Way a As Long As i get  a space ache a the pain in your neck after sleeping standing up for six hours. A space achievement a the medal they should give people who make it through trips with a family of six. A space acquainted a its amazing the people you make friends with after you be finished Reading All of the year old magazines in the waiting room. A space acrobatics a that a when you try to figure out How to get comfortable on webbed seating. A space adaptable a a will the Kenya flight eventually end up in Dover a a space adjective a fill in your own. A space adventure a begins when you get your leave form stamped. A space agitation a ask your stomach about this one after a few bumpy rides. Or ask your spouse after a week in the passenger terminal. A space agreeable a that show strapping a seat on a Wing sounds after being bumped off a flight. A space alleged a the monthly projected flight schedule. A space alternative a you can always Fork Over $800 for a commercial flight instead. A space amazing a How you managed to get Back to base with Only 27 minutes of leave left. A space ambiguous a a Well you need to be Here at the posted show time but then again the flight might leave Early or it might leave  a space amnesia a a i never said there would be a flight leaving today. You must have talked to someone else on the  a space anarchy a a Mac terminal waiting room. A space anecdote a ask a Retiree about this one. A space Anonymous a a i thought i packed my name tag. A a space april fools a a Cha a we were just kidding. There a no flight scheduled for  of All the definitions i found in the dictionary my favorite one is space anytime anywhere anyway. That a the Way ill take it. Capt. Cliff Atkinson is chief of Public affairs for the 406th tac fighter training Wing at Zaragoza a  the spies or suffer the results Lee Klug guest columnist the Wall is Down and the Iron curtain is up and As a result a whole new category has been added to the endangered species list. The world is worried about saving whales elephants and whooping cranes but nobody seems to care much about spies. While we re All Giddy with glasnost the spy is going the Way of the 8mm movie camera. It May already be too late. At a recent cocktail party in Central Europe two espionage agents were seen attempting to look interested in the Clam dip. Thanks to a nearly obsolete electronic Bug in the chandelier the following conversation was recorded agent 1 a i think i May be Able to get you some figures on proposed troop  agent 2 a never mind it was covered in the news this  agent 1 a How about something on missile technology a agent 2 a no thanks. We be got a team of scientists going to your country on an Exchange  agent 1 a i have a highly placed mole at Kentucky Fried Chicken with Access to the breading  agent 2 a let me talk to my people and Well set up a  pretty pathetic Isnit it maybe people done to realize where All this is heading. Without enemies to keep secrets from there will be no More secrets. And without secrets there goes the spy business. And once the spy business is finished we re All going to have a lot of time on our hands. Just think about the hours we be spent watching spy thrillers in the movies and on to. And How Many plane trips waiting rooms and sleepless nights have been made More bearable by a Good spy novel. What will Len Deighton and Helen Macinnes write about Industrial espionage can you honestly see yourself on the Edge of your chair As you follow the Trail of a Guy trying to steal some company a process for laminating plastics Zzz Zzz. And lets not forget the fashion legacy we owe to secret agents. How suave would Dan rather look broadcasting from the red Square in one of those Clear plastic raincoats that comes in a Little packet. Thanks to spies Dan can sport a belted Trench coat with the Collar turned up. A whole segment of our culture is about to disappear unless we take action. And if we done to do something soon maybe John be Carrel a next Book will be entitled �?o101 ways with ground  Send your contribution today to the a save the spy  if you end up in a Clear plastic rain coat you la have Only yourself to blame. Lee Klug is a military family member who formerly lived in Italy. Page 4 c sunday september 2,1990