European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 2, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse Many things cause grave bodily harm Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers Here at the Bureau of medical alarm we continue to receive shocking new evidence that being human is an extremely dangerous occupation that probably should be prohibited by Law. For example consider the alarming article sent in by Alert Reader Jessica Bernstein from the aug. 10, 1984, Issue of the journal of the american medical association titled a toothpick related injuries in the United states 1979 through 1982.�?� this article notes with concern that although toothpicks a Marc Long slender hard Sharp and indigestible they Are rarely considered objects of potential injury and yes death the article reports that during the period studied there have been thousands of toothpick related injuries and three actual what gets our Goat Here at the Bureau of medical alarm is that these needless tragedies could be avoided if the government would simply require All toothpicks to carry this printed message a warning the surgeon general has determined that you should not Swallow this toothpick or Stab yourself in the eyeball with it while trying to read this Why Hasni to this been done when will the politicians Stop Kuckling under to the powerful toothpick lobby with its easy Money fast boats and Loose women How come powerful lobbies never Send Loose women Down Here to the Bureau of medical alarm these Are some of the questions that were very much on our minds until we were distracted by an even More alarming article from an Issue of the British medical journal sent in by Alert Reader Betsy Powers. Unfortunately we cannot be too specific about this article because this is a family newspaper it has a wife newspaper and two Little baby newspapers at Home. All we can say is that the article involves an upsetting development that can occur when a Well known male body part gets too close to a working vacuum cleaner. This seems to be a fairly common occurrence at least in Britain. The article contains the following quotations which we swear we Are not making up although for reasons of tastefulness the body part will be referred to As a a Morton not its real name a Case 1 a a 60-year-old Man said that he was changing the plug of a Hoover Dussette vacuum cleaner in the nude while his wife was out shopping. It a turned itself on and caught his Morton. A a Case 2 a a 65-year-old railway signalman was in his signal Box when he Bent Down to pick up his tools and caught his Morton in a Hoover Dussette a which happened to be switched a these quotations definitely touched a nerve Here at the Bureau of medical alarm. Clearly males need to be More careful especially if they get naked anywhere near a Hoover Dussette which is apparently auditioning for a role As a major appliance in a fatal attraction what you Are no doubt saying to yourself now is a a hmm i wonder if there have been any similar incidents involving we regret to report that the answer is yes As we Learned from an article alertly sent in by Janice Hill. Notice that it is women who Are sending these articles in this article concerns a Man who attempted to steal a lobster from a Boston fish Market by stuffing it the lobster Down the front of his pants. The lobster had been wearing those rub Ber band Handcuffs but apparently they slipped off and the lobster with revenge on its tiny mind angrily grasped hold of the first thing it found and we will not go into what happened next except to say that if you Are a Guy it makes a toothpick to the eyeball sound like a Day at the magic kingdom. We actually have More alarming medical items Here including a really Good one about a Moth that flew into a noted Denver attorneys ear canal and refused to come out voluntarily. But we re running out of space so Well just close with this health reminder done to smoke or drink. Or eat or go outside. Or breathe. And men if you must change a major appliance plug in the nude please Wear a condom. Husband London England \ 5oo it a u00 a Mmel quoth a thou shall not couet thy neighbor s a life one night at the dinner table my family was discussing a series of local Bam fires. My dad a firefighter suspected that All of the fires had been deliberately set. This statement prompted my Little sister to wonder what it was that turned a person into a we All thought this Little Blunder was hilarious especially my brother who Between laughs told Hen a you Little Dummy they burned the bams they did no to steal them a Regina Kirkendall Griesheim West Germany Here Are some views on the Gulf situation from Bill Tammeus a columnist for the Kansas City Star a if american entrepreneurs worked As fast As Gas station owners by now there a be Saddam Hussein halloween masks in All the stores. A we have no Way to confirm the Rumor that one reason president Bush is so upset with Saddam Hussein is that he hates his new album a Nasty As he Wanna a Congress has started its summer recess. So despite the War in the Middle East and a shaky Domestic Economy not All the news is bad. Boerger Tokyo Japan apr Quot fax Sparky Quot Page 12 c sunday september 2,1990
