European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 30, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Join the club or face the consequences  of you who care deeply about America s future will be alarmed by the continuing efforts of High level republicans to recruit me As an influential National Leader. The method they re using is direct mail. As you May recall several months ago i reported that i had received a letter from . Sen. Bob Dole inviting me to join the Republican senatorial inner Circle a prestigious group open Only to those americans who meet the rigorous Entrance requirement of forking Over $1,000. Sen. Doles letter said that for an additional $2h5,1 could go to Washington for a a closed door briefing with Quot key Washington officials a plus attend a dinner dance with president and mrs. Bush. Needless to say i was severely tempted because when High level republicans get together they definitely know How to Quot party Down to their favorite Quot rape tunes Quot in a from the i of and i know How to dance 1 do the Bunny hop in my Lime Green pants. I know How to Boogie i know Bow to Jive i got a statue of a jockey at the end of my drive. Chorus peeling so Good Momma feeling so right think i might fold my a amp a  unfortunately i was Busy with various other obligations such As washing my dog and i never got around to joining the Republican senatorial inner Circle. So you can imagine my Surprise when several weeks later i got a letter from another Republican . Senator Don Nickles. True anecdote president Reagan once publicly referred to sen. Nickles As a Don  this caused much amusement because of course Don Rockies is not a senator. Lie is our ambassador to Iraq sen. Nickles letter invited me to join an even More exclusive group called the presidential round table which is Quot made up of men and women just like yourself who have tremendous Faith in the future of our nation and years of experience to share with our  this came As news to me because almost All my years of experience involve trying to think up new Booger jokes. Its hard to picture our leaders wanting me to share this with them or even necessarily to shake hands. But As sen. Nickles says Quot i  extend this invitation to you if i did not feel you were qualified to become a  what they Are looking for in the Way of qualifications is $5,000. But it sounds like a Heck of a Deal. As sen. Nickles explains &Quot,., the presidential round table operates much like a private club a a club whose members meet talk and Dine with some of the most important people in the world ,. Presidents . Senators Cabinet officers White House officials and some of the most important people in America  for example they re planning a Golf Outing with former president Gerald Quot Lookout Quot Ford a possible appearance by former president a Dick Quot Nixon and i swear i am not making this up a an elegant dinner at the watergate  quite frankly this sounds like More fun than i would be Able to stand without the Aid of prescription drugs. But i was giving it some serious thought when i got a letter from another Republican . Senator John Heinz urging me to act quickly on sen. Nickle so offer. A i Hope you Are making plans to join us a he says. By this Point i was beginning to wonder whether these senators had anything to do in Washington besides trying to get me to be in exclusive clubs with them. I was Halfway expecting them to Start sending me sweeps lakes style letters with pictures of de Mcmahon telling me that i might already have won a valuable prize such As a five function cd Wristwatch or a working stealth Roger the top 10 new features on air Force one the presidents new plane from a la tonight with David Letterman 10. External p. A. System so president can Greet Drivers on interstate Highway below. 9. Impressive flame decals.8. Coppertone Banner for flying Over Beach. 7. Fake Antenna to make people think they have a cellular phone on Board. 6. Button that transforms plane into glowing Saucer to screw with Farmers in Midwest. 5. Plastic a a monster on Wing to intimidate foreign dignitaries from you know third world nations. 4. Melon Bailer. 3, pet door for Millie a a the president s flying dog. 2. Stealth babes. And the no. 1 new feature. 1. Phony steering wheel so Quayle can pretend he flying plane. Newyork times bomber. A How desperate Are they a i was asking myself. A How Low Are they going to sink a this is when i got the letter from vice president Quayle. I am still not making this up. A dear or. Barry a the vice president begins. A it gives me great pleasure to inform you that at the last meeting of the membership committee of the Republican senatorial inner Circle your name was placed in nomination by sen. Connie Mack and you were accepted for  the vice president also states that a Arnold Schwarz Creggar George Schultz Sam Walton and other distinguished americans have already joined the inner  a i urge you to respond As soon As possible a he concludes. Now i am really concerned. I am wondering does this mean i owe them Money can High level Federal officials Force me to be in their club could i possibly be appointed to the Cabinet via direct mail if i done to respond to them will i hear from an even higher level official in fact the most powerful Republican on the planet namely Arnold Schwarzenegger these Are some of the questions in a pondering As i await their next letter. Meanwhile in be started Reading the non comics sections of the newspaper so ill be prepared in Case i wind up in charge of the foreign policy. Also in a in the Market for some Lime Green pants. Mena Madrid Spain 4uena copyright �9po, Cor Tonii u 4 writers Syndicate Page 12 c sunday september 30,1990