European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 8, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                1 a Magazine by Rebecca Jones Scripps Howard news service had Scarlett of Hara and Rhett Butler just been a Little More in tune with their feelings More willing to share their unhappiness with each other in less accusatory terms perhaps things might have been different. As it was Scarlett found herself trapped in a passionless relationship with Rhett pining for another Man hardly caring at All for Rhett. And Rhett blinded by his overwhelming love for her let this continue a until the Day came when head had enough and he left. That made All the difference. Suddenly Rhett started looking pretty Good to Scarlett. It was or. Dean delis will Tell you a classic Case of Quot the passion  delis a san Diego psychologist says lots of couples find themselves in this position one partner is More in love than the other. And the More the less loved partner tries to save the relationship the faster the More loved partner withdraws feeling trapped and guilty. Delis describes this phenomenon in his newly released Book the passion Paradox patterns of love and Power in intimate relationships Bantam books $17.95. All relationships have some imbalance. In the Best there a a kind of see sawing. Getting Back in balance keeps the Romance alive delis says. But some relationships suffer a Long term imbalance and these Are the ones that Are headed for trouble. Delis defines the less loved partner As being in the a one Down Quot position this person suffers the pain of rejection and feels powerless vulnerable and insecure. The More loved the Quot one up a suffers guilt anger and frustration not Only at feeling trapped but also at being unable to return the love their partner so freely gives. Quot it s painful for both sides Quot says delis. Quot usually we focus on the a spurned Lover but the one up is really a victim too because he wants to feel love for this person but something prevents  there a a chemical explanation for All this delis says. When you re in love a when you Start to lose control of yourself to another person a your brain starts releasing amphetamine like chemicals. They re the same kind of chemicals released when you re in danger. This is just your brains Way of telling you to be Alert that you re vulnerable. A Side effect of these chemicals is the Blissful state you reach with new love or at the time you re trying to attract your partner. Once you feel certain of his love you no longer feel so vulnerable. Quot what almost always happens is that one partner is More successful at attracting than the other Quot delis says. Quot initially that partner loves it because they no longer feel in danger. They know the other person loves them More so they done to have to worry about being rejected. But because they re Safe. The brain no longer needs these chemicals and they lose the  meanwhile the other partner senses this and starts to feel even More vulnerable. Out pump More chemicals from the brain producing an even Stronge feeling of being in love. _ while Many therapists recommend couples caught in this trap recapture the balance by doing romantic things together a the Quot Champagne and Bubble Bath solution Quot a delis says it rarely works because the one ups and the one Downs have different sets of problems. While the one Down might be delighted at the Prospect of a romantic weekend the one up might feel further stifled. Instead dells suggests both partners attempt to balance the relationship a the one Down by getting some healthy distance from it the one up by giving closeness a try but keeping open the option to Retreat. Most importantly he suggests the partners learn to discuss their feelings using Quot no fault Quot language a not blaming or hurling accusations but merely explaining Why they re feeling the Way they Are. For example an accusation Quot you came Home two hours late and you did no to even Call. I think that proves my Point that you care More about your Job and being a big shot than you do about  an explanation Quot i have to Tell you i m feeling like getting on your Case because you came Home so late and did no to Call. And i Don t want to Start doing that again so i think we ought to  other advice to the one Down the passion Paradox when one partner is More in love a Tell the one up you intend to get involved in outside activities to give yourself Back some sense of your old identity. By backing off this frees the one up to love freely without feeling pressured. A catch yourself when you Start thinking terrible thoughts a that you la never love again that you la never survive if your partner leaves you. A take care of your emotional pain. Talk to a Friend or Counselor but done to share your pain with your partner. That will just make things worse. A Stop yourself when you fall into the Quot hype courtship Quot Mode. It does t work it just scares them away. Advice for the one up a done to blame yourself for falling out of love. Realize that by feeling guilty you make it much harder to Ever regain love. A keep the door open to leave. Say Quot look i m going to try my hardest to make this work but if i am totally miserable and could never feel Happy then the Best thing for me in the Long run is to move  suddenly you la feel less confined and Able to feel More love for your partner. A Stop dwelling on the partners negatives see positives As Well. Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh As Rhett Butler and Scarlett of Hara in Quot gone with the  monday october 8,1990 the stars and stripes a a a Page 13