European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 2, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                A j Page 24 Amis All right for a foreign Cit Dave Barr Knight Ridder newspapers econ try my family Ana i spent a week Irv London which is a popular foreign place to visit because they have Learned to speak some English Over there. Frankly however they have a Long Way to go. Often when they get to the crucial part of a sen Tehee  realize that they done to know the Cor acct words so  just make Sorri e silly ones up. I had a lot of conversations that sounded like this me excuse me could you Tell us How to gel to Buckingham Palace British person right. You go Down this Street Here then you nip up the Wecks Shams. Me we should nip up the Wecks Shams British person right. Then you take your first left then you just pop a round the gom and stumbles and jacks a doughnut there your Are me jacks a doughnut British person right. Also they have a lot of trouble with pronunciation because they can to move their jaw Muscles. This is a result of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat English food much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times during the reign of King Walter the mildly disturbed. Remember when you were in Junior High school and sometimes the cafeteria workers would open up a Large army surplus food can left Over from the Spanish american War and serve you a scary looking dish with a name like a tuna bean prune cabbage Melet casserole surprised Well they still have a lot of food like that in England  display in bars called Quot pubs a where people drink for hours but nobody Ever eats. We saw individual Servings of pub food that we recognized from our last visit in 1978. Some dishes a no Effort in made to conceal this act a contain kidneys. We also saw one dish with a sign next to it that said a i swear 1 am not making this up a a spotted  a the English arc very Good at thinking up silly names. Here Are some actual stations on the London underground Marylebone tooting Broadway Piccadilly circus Cockfosters Frog Al Goodge Street mud Hutc Barking and East Ham. Vav a a a a a a. A londoners Are apologetic about their underground which they believe has become filthy and noisy and dangerous but which is in fact far More civilized than the average american wedding reception. At the height of Rush hour people on the London underground actually say a excuse  imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt like that on the new York subway. The other passengers would take it As a sign of weakness and there a be a fight Over who got to keep your ears As a trophy. Our primary cultural activity in London was changing Money. We had to do this a lot because the Dollar is very weak. Europeans use the Dollar primarily to apply shoe polish. So every Day we d go to one of the Money changing places that Are All Over London and wed Exchange some dollars for British Money which consists of the a a pounds and a wide variety of mutant coins whose sizes and shapes Are unrelated to their values. And then wed look for something to eat that had been invented in this Century sulfa a pizza and wed buy three slices for what we later realized was $247.50. Then wed change some Money again. Meanwhile the japanese tourists were exchanging their Money for items such As Westminster Abbey. In the interest of broadening our 10-year-old songs cultural awareness we visited some important i Stojic Sites including the Tower of London the Dungeon and Madame Tussaud a Wax my scum All of which Are devoted to explaining in clinical detail How various historic members of Royalty were whacked into Small historic pieces. A amps Sharon Kilday English history consists largely of Royal people getting their Heads chopped off which is Why members of the Royal family now Wear protective steel neck inserts which is Why they walk the Way they do. Needless to say this Brand of history was a hit with our son. He especially enjoyed the guided Jack the Ripper tour that we took one dark night with a very intense guide. A right on this spot is where they found the victims intestines a shed say. A and right Here is where they found the liver which is now part of the food display of that pub Over  another cultural activity we frequently engaged in was looking the wrong Way before attempting to Cross streets. The problem is that in America people drive on the right Side of the Street whereas in London they drive on both sides of the. Street using hard to Sce cars about the size of toaster ovens. The Best Way to handle this As a tourist is to remain on one Side of the Street for your entire visit and see the other Side on another trip. A a a a a. A a a a a a a a a a a a a _ but i definitely recommend London for anybody who enjoys culture and could stand to lose a few pounds. I Learned Many things that will be of great value to me not just personally but also professionally and in a not saying that just to be polite to the English. In a saying it because of internal Revenue service regulations. A Koch Nuremberg Germany a a _ v % copyright �1990. Carlo Motl 4 writer Syndicate it r 1 it r. Quot 1 i j y its  a a f i no kidding. Mph. Pseudonyms used by five bus mime authors Sinclair Lewis Quot torn Grahame Stephen Crane a a Johnston Smith Katherine ,"vladimir Nabokov a a a Slrine Upton Sinclair a Alt Frederick. Garrison a am a Cin in to to air raw seven common words Turt were Orgl Niemyt eme rfcs heroin Quot. Formica mimeograph setts Werd fat fur styx Burti zozo technical review Warsaw Poland a i \ j s copyright �1990. Cox Tooru to amp Fri left Flynn we a a a. -. A a _ a a a a c to plus sunday december 2,1990 j