European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 20, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                When your kid gets sick its. A pain in the ear Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspaper editors note transmission of Dave barrys weekly column was delayed. This is a reprint of one that ran in november 1987. V wife and 1 believe that a Good 1% i Parent should spend a certain. I 1 i amount of a Quality time with a j child. That a Why at least once a. Week we take our son to the paediatrician to get an car infection looked at. Our son gets car infections almost As often As the democrats lose major presidential contenders so we know from experience exactly the course of medical treatment that will be required to make him better a l in needs to stay Home from school and watch rental cartoons on the Var. A a l in needs to take antibiotics that to judge from their Cost arc made by grinding up Emer aids. A a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a obtaining the antibiotics is the hard part because of course we Are not permitted to simply go to the drugstore and buy them. When we die and go to Parent heaven we will be permitted to do this. We will stride into Liq drugstore and say a i would like to Purchase exactly the Antibiotic that 1 purchased each of the previous 657 times my child had it in ear  the druggist will say a of course Here you go a and 10 minutes later we will be Back at our House which in Parent heaven will have a knot of cheerful retired nurses lounging on the Doorstep 24 hours a Day in Case we Ever need a baby Sitter. But in the real world to get the antibiotics we must first go to our songs paediatrics group eighteen random paediatric professionals  puts us through a ritual ordeal Simi car to the Way certain primitive tribes require that a Young Warrior to prove his manhood must fight a giant Snake naked. Although the Warrior probably does no to have to sit in a waiting room first. A go right on in a he is probably told. A the Snake will Sec you now a. This never happens at my songs paediatric group. For one thing for insurance reasons there Are no snakes there. For another thing there Are always several Hundred children ahead of us milling around the waiting room coughing on each other and ripping pages from Book with titles like a Pearl the eel has a big surprised or a big Birds  the reason the waiting room is always so crowded is that at least seven eighths of the Chi i Drin a All sick ones a Are being a fitted in at the last minute. This is a strange thing about paediatricians they spend their lives wallowing in childhood disease yet when they set up their office schedules it apparently never occurs to them that children Are going to get sick. This is Why the receptionist always sounds so inconvenienced when you Call because Johnny has a fever of 101. A you done to have an appointment a she says disapprovingly clearly wondering what kind of Bozo Parent would let a child get sick without having an appointment. A Well of a she finally says. A a we la try to fit you in at 4 30.�?� meaning of course a Guam Standard time.�?�. After we pass the ordeal of sitting for a Long time in the waiting room we move on to the ordeal of sitting for a Long time in the Little Examina Tion room with absolutely nothing to do except listen to children shrieking in the rooms All around us. The children of course have Good reason to shriek the Needle nurse is on the prowl. The Needle nurse is a person who lurks in the Halls of paediatric groups like the person with the Chain. Saw in a the Texas Chainsaw  just when the doctor leaves the examination room and the child thinks the Nightmare is finally Over suddenly the Needle nurse lunges in and stabs the child with a sterilized instrument. The result of course is a shriek. As we watch the Needle nurse stalk past the doorway of our examination room i Tell our son there a nothing to worry about. But deep inside i know that if there were the slightest Chance that she was going to come after me i would be springing across the parking lot. Eventually the actual doctor arrives and of course he is a stranger because it is a violation of group paediatric ethics for a child to see the same doctor twice in any Given five year period. So the doctor must spend a Large percentage of the  time Reading Roberts medical history which consists of the words a year infection written in 657 different handwriting. Then he frowns a medical frown into my songs ears after which he turns to me and announces that our son has an ear infection and 1 get ready to clap my hand Over my songs Mouth in Case he starts to make some smart remark like a we already know that a which might anger the doctor and cause him to schedule some blood tests finally we Are allowed to leave clutching a prescription form that says in latin a these peo pie have passed the  i try to. Look on the brighter Side. At least we done to need a prescription to rent the cartoons. Isaac Manila Philippines cop Nyht �1990, Tuitoo mss amp Witten Syndicate no kidding what George Washington gave voters in 1758 political Campaign rum punch a a 50 Gallons Beer a 46 Gallons wine a 34 Gallons rum a 28 Gallons cider Royal a 2 Gallons he won 301 of 391 votes source the making of the president 1789fears of four famous Fellows Napoleon a afraid of cats Winston Churchill a disliked toilet seats Edgar Degas a nausea from Flowers Thomas Hobbes a afraid of the dark source Best worst and most unusual Williams a London. England Quot poor fools you seem to forget i have the Law on my Side Quot c to plus sunday january 20, 1991