European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 19, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse 4alien life forms Are taking Over with help from to Dave newspaper Quot a a cantly i was watching television and i a commercial came on and the announcer in a tone of voice usually b reserved for major developments in the persian Gulf said a now Consumers can ask Angela Lansbury their questions about Buff Crin a As a Normal human your natural reaction to this announcement is a huh a meaning a what does Angela Lansbury have to do with Buff Crin a but this commercial featured several Consumers who had apparently been slopped at random on. The Street and every one of them Hud 11 question. For Angela Lansbury about Buff Crin. Basically what they asked was a miss Lansbury is Buff Crin a Good product that i should Pur. \ Chase or what a these Consumers seemed very Earnest. It was As if they had been going around Lor months wringing their hands and saying Quot i have a question about Buff Crin if Only i could ask Angela Lansbury Quot. What we Are seeing Here is yet another exam. Pic of a worsening problem that has been swept Rug for too Long in this nation the invasion of Consumers from Mars. They he to like humans hut they Don t act like humans and they Are taking Over. A. Don t laugh. We know that Mars can support life. We know this because vice president for now Dan Quayle. Who is the administration s no i Man in the space program once made the following famous statement which i am not making up a Mars is essentially in the same orbit somewhat the same distance from the Sun which is very important. We have seen pictures where there Are canals we believe and water. If there is water that Means there is oxygen. If oxygen that Means we can / a. 1 you cannot argue with that kind of logic. You can Only carry it to its logical conclusion which is that if there arc can ids that Means there arc boats and if there arc boats that Means there Are Consumers and apparently they Are invading the a Earth and getting of to saw another commercial re cantly who rain a. Middle age Man gets off an a i plane and is greeted by his wife who says something like a what did you bring Back from your trip Quot and the Man replies yes. He probably Hasni to seen his wife in a week and the first thing out of his Mouth so to speak is this the behaviour of a regular a Lui human of course not. This is clearly another invading consumer from Mars just like the ones that arc always striding into drugstores and announcing at the lop of their lungs that they have haemorrhoids. The worst thing is that is Martian Consumers take Over they re Starling to influence the Way businesses think-1 received of this recently from Alert Reader Rick Johansen who sent me an associated press article by David Kal ish about food manufacturers who arc putting Jess food into packages but hot reducing prices one example was Knorr Brand Leek soup and. Recipe mix the old Box contained four 8-ounce Servings but the new Box which is slightly larger contains Only free 8-ounce Servings. The Story quotes a spokesman for the manufacturer pc International As saying that this change was made because pay close attention Here a there were a a lot of complaints from american con. Sumers that we were giving them too much in the c. V a a a sure we believe that we believe that All Over America Consumers were sitting around their dinner tables saying Quot you know Ralph i am sick and tired of getting so much soup in a Box. In a going to write in and demand that they put less in without lowering the price.�?�. A Good idea a Ralph would answer pounding his fist on the table a and then let s Tell Angela. Lansbury about our haemorrhoids a. No those were not american Consumers who complained to pc International. Those were martians also most product instructions Are now written for martians. Alert Reader Mark Lindsay sent instructions for the Sunbeam dental water Jet. Under the heading important safeguards is the i am still not Mak. Ing this up a Quot never use while Don t Beisinger a a Yugoslavia f Quot in the future please sell us better merchandise. 3 you can see yourself there is Little damage a no kidding top 8 heroes of american fourth graders 1. Parents 2. Teachers. 3. To Jackson 4. Martin Luther King 5. Joe Montana. 6. Michael Jordan 7. Family members. 8. God. Source Kodak Alan Page Challenge Survey of 21,00.0 youngsters try to Tell me that s for earthlings. And How about All those manufacturers coupons featuring exciting offers wherein it turns out when you read the Fine print that you have to Send in the Coupon plus proof of Purchase plus your Complete dental records by registered mail to Greenland and allow at least 18 months for them to Send you another Coupon that will entitle you to 29 cents off your next Purchase of a product you done to really want do you think anybody besides extraterrestrials Ever actually docs that i have Here a package sent in by Alert Reader Roger Lyons who purchased a Revlon Pedi car toe Nail clip device for$2.19atagiantsupcr-Market in Washington . On the package is Revlon a full lifetime guarantee which states that if you find any defects you should follow this procedure. A wrap securely in a Box or mailing tube. Mail insured and postage paid. Notify us within six months if implement is not returned. Guarantee is not applicable if implement has been serviced by other than Revlon has been abused or allowed to rust. Keep lightly oiled in a dry place to avoid rusting. A and so on. Who would do this who would Ever think of saving the package so he or she would know How to do this Only martians face it human Consumers they have taken Over. Its too late to do anything about it. Your Best bet is to stay Calm remain indoors maybe Oil your Toenail clippers. Me i have to set up the Landing lights on my Lawn. Workon is bringing in a new group tonight. Cal01 Buenos Aires Argentina Evv / Page 24 a sunday May 19. 1991
