European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 09, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse Picture this the joker sails the Ocean bluer Var body in Hollywood is going ape b j trying to get a Christopher Columbus d l flick made by 1992, the 500th an Niver b j sary of you know what. Ridley Blade runner Scott is Gonna direct one starring Gerard Depardieu the French actor with a face like an opossum with gangrene in his nose. And there a another Columbus movie written by Mario godfather Puzo that will be produced by Alexander and Liya Salkind the producers of Superman. I so we re talking about some serious Dinero a a a a a a a a a a a a in be got a few casting suggestions first off if you re Gonna use a european Guy Klaus Kinski who always looks even Stinker than Gerard Depardieu and has the added advantage of being crazy. Columbus was a Fruitcake. He was Kinda. Like the Guy in High school that scores the most important touchdown in the most important game of the year and then he does nothing else the rest of his life but he thinks lies the King of Nairobi just because of that one thing. How bout Jack Nicholson there a your Columbus. Can to you see him standing in the Bow of his ship saying a i got your Nina and your Pinta right Here scumbag. Bruce darn As the commander of the Nina. Dennis Hopper As the commander of the Pinta a. And How do they get the Money to sail Joan Collins As Queen Isabella. Christopher promises. Her that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her sneaking around behind Ferdinand a Back and that he really has millions As soon As he can get Back to Genoa and pick it up and so this is just a a. Loan. And she a buying it. She a going for it. She a eyeing Christophers seagoing pantaloons. And she likes what she finds. ,. How about the Guy in the crowds nest of the Pinta who sights land for the first tune then gets cheated out of the Reward because Columbus wants credit. Jerry Mathers no head break the crowds nest. A Michael no head demand the Money right away. Regis Philbin that s it Regis Philbin they be picked Gerard Depardieu top to play Columbus but Joe Bob has a better idea. How a bout Klaus Kinski above ? or better yet Jack Nicholson left _ in the Crow s about the first Indian who teaches the sailors How la communicate in sign language what could 1 be thinking its gotta be Marley mat Lin. a a. A a Quot. A a Beautieu dancing Indian Maidens will be played by the solid Gold dancers. Then there a the old lawyer that Ferdinand and Isabella Send Over to the new world after its obvious that Columbus is screwing up everything in sight and his men arc dying or a his cities arc revolting and he keeps losing hrs slips and they need to find somebody to go Over there and straighten it out. So this gels a ship gels appointed governor shows up Over there and says a wok. Listen up you turkeys Here show its Gonna a a. A. Who else ? Wilford brimley.,. A a i should direct this movie 1 really should. Speaking of what the Dingbat Lookout said to. Columbis right before lie walked the Plank there a nothing out 1 Here is a new comedy Hor a ror by 2u-year-old boy Genius. Rolle. Kanefsky of. New York City and what would happen if the teen agers went to the familiar Cabin in the Woods heard the a noises saw theol a Evv Arning signs of Trou. Ble ahead aardvark de around in the Way that normally gets you killed a but they Khem Lute they were doing because they a seen every other horror film where this stuff happens. Craig peek the main teen Ager about to be eaten keeps saving stuff like Quot name a horror movie am horror movie Quot when he sees the House. A this part reminds. Me of invasion of the body snatchers Quot Mike naive Stacy a. A How did they kill them?."she asks. A they but even though it s played for laughs its got a fairly decent slime monster some kind of outer space Green eyed octopus wearing its intestines on the outside of its body that can laser you in the eyes and take Over your mind and rape women in bikinis and reproduce itself. And by the Way Rolfe Kanefsky. The kid who made this flick is the Only director in be Ever heard of who claims to Bevy inspired by the 3 a. Films of Abbott and six dead bodies. Two motor vehicle crashes. One fistfight. One outer space mutant swamp at. Lack. Plumber eating. Mutant slime creature that runs into a Garden Rake. Butcher knife attack gratuitous dope smoking bunkers gratuitous a Indian sweat Lodge Quot where Indian men in new Jersey go to increase sexual Potency. Dive in Academy award nomm tons for John Cathart Iii As the kid whose parents own the House in. The Woods for saying a really Mike its logically stupid for you to be a orned by this Quot Jeff Dachis As the reluctant David for saying �?o1 done to exactly Call a disappearing raw Chicken a murder attempt Craig Peck As Mike for disco eng the creatures one weakness a a face full of shaving a Rcd and Rolfe Kanefsky for putting the use spirit of Abbott and costello in a drive in movie the kid has a future. Three Bob says Check it out. Communist Alert the Bolero drive in in Renville Texas failed to open this year Lor the first Lime since 1947. Phis drive in was infamous As the site of the Betty Stotts murder. Betty a ticket taker was killed in. The boo Lee then die killer sch ticket exr Tivon fire drove Reify scar into the drive in and watched the movie remember without eternal vigilance it could happen Here. To discuss Ibe meaning of life with Joe Bob or to get Roe Unk in the mail and his world famous a we Are he by Eirc newsletter ale . Box 2002. Dallas. Texas 7g221.Joe Bob s fax 214 368-2310. A. A june 9. 1991 sunday a
