European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 22, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse Spacey russian flick a solaris lands 4 stars the doctor in la Jolla. Calif., has found the part of your brain that makes you a homosexual. Its called the Anterior hypothalamus and its basically the size of a mosquitoes toe. Actually in a saying it wrong. If you re a heterosexual its the size of a Mosquito s toe. If you re a homosexual or a woman it s the size of a gnats Toenail. In other words the bigger the hypothalamus the More your brain sends out signals like a get a Load of the Hema Tomas on that one a a and the smaller the hypothalamus the More Likely you re Gonna be thinking a do my shoes match my purse a a or a i just love Julie Andrews in the sound of and there a nothing you can do about it. This makes perfect sense to me except i can already see problems now that we know this. For one thing Guys arc Gonna be calling up brain surgeons demanding to have their hypothalamic measured. And then Well do brain scans and find out that Warren Beatty has a hypothalamus the size of a Hippopotamus but Harvey first Cine a hypothalamus looks like a smudge of vegetable soup on the linoleum. And the Guys with the Well developed hypothalamic will have a Ray pictures taken and advertise in magazines a with a brain Stem like this ill never get sick of having sex with you. Call 970-hypo.�?T�?T a Wanna pick my brain its a handful a a cd you like Long walks in the Park so do i. That a because As you can see my hypothalamus is so undeveloped that id rather walk around talking than have sex. Look How Small it is. We could get married and you could manipulate me for the rest of your you see what in a talking about there a another problem Here though because this same doctor says that the hypothalamus is formed while you re still a fetus so its something the parents could argue about later. A you just Hud to have a pack of Winston that night you were pregnant with Little Timmy. In a telling you the boys not right. A a a it a just a stage. A lot of Little boys dress up in women a a the kid is 14 and he s dressing up like Marilyn Chambers i Don t think so a Quot Well it must be something from your hillbilly Glide Pool then a actually the More i think about it the More i Hope the Guys a quake. Because lets face it if your hypothalamus can control you that much then we re not human beings we re machines that can be manipulated by our Mere biological needs and every time we think of a Blond Bimbo wearing tight spandex and spiked High heels or stalling Hersell into one of those underwire support bras or. I gotta hurry up and review this movie so i can go find Wanda Bodine. And. In Honor of the total Victory of the Russ Kics Over the commies this week s movie is solaris the greatest russian Sci i flick Ever made available on video for the first time. The flick is Dang near three hours Long with these Weir Beard Vodka drinking cosmonauts wandering All Over a space station trying to keep one another from going bonkers. Everybody Back in Russia has lost interest in his Mission which was to study what s going on in this huge outer space Ocean where whenever you get close to it. You Start having hallucinations and seeing giant Nek kid babies floating in space. So a cosmonaut named Chris Kelvin goes up there to decide whether they should just blow up the Ocean with a nuclear bomb and bring everybody Back Home. He goes into this Twilight zone sort of Deal where the Ocean puts a whammy 011 him. And All his most intense dreams materialize. It gets worse his dead sex wife shows up. He kills her she comes Back. She kills herself she comes Back again. All your dreams and memories gel formed into neutrinos that become real and then you can t get rid of Mem. This movie was originally made As Russia s answer to 2001 a space Odyssey. They Only had one problem. Stanley Kubrick had about l>7 million Bucks to make his movie. In Russia they had about of 97 rubles. And so when they do a Quot we i go 11 e is a so q u c n co in solaris they just sort of set the actors on chairs and Guys get under blankets and hold up the chairs and walk around with Mem while Are kind of an Early version of mtg. Three dead bodies. Two breasts. Yellow space ooze. Negligee ripping. Outer space zombies. Coagulating Ocean brain. Gratuitous midget. Sex wife fun. Hypodermic fun. Vodka fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Natalya Bondarchuk As the outer space Zombie sex wife for saying. A i have a feeling someone s deceiving us Quot Donatas Banionis As the cosmonaut who loves a Zombie for saying Quot you mean More to me than any scientific truth Quot and Andrei Yarkovsky the writer director for having the crazed scientist say a we done to want to conquer space at All. We want to expand Earth endlessly. We done to want other worlds we want a Mirror. We seek Contact and will never achieve it. We Are in the foolish position of a Man striving for a goal he fears and does no to want. Man needs Man a i Kinda like the sound of that. Four stars. Job Bob says Check it bobs advice to the hopeless Republican Alert Only about half the screen at the Green River drive in in Green Springs Utah is still intact and the rest of the place has reverted to desert scrubland. The Concession stand is used As an organic fruit store. L. Otness of Ashland ore., reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Joe Bob Briggs creators Syndicate dear Joe Bob thanks for your kind words about Jakarta which i wrote and directed. Two years and six tropical diseases mostly non Lemale related later. I m finally getting the feeling that the time i spent in Indonesia making Jakarta was worthwhile. Receiving a favourable review from you you also gave me kudos for Mother s pay a Little Art film i wrote and directed a few years Back is the most exciting thing that s happened in my life since i discovered that Lloyd Kaufman co owner of Troma films is my brother. Charles Kaufman Tower films International los Angeles dear Charles Jakarta is the Best unseen drive in movie of the last 10 years. I got sick of Indonesia just watching the movie. I can imagine what you went through. You deserve some kind of medal for that Chase scene alone. Its on the All time motor a chicle Chase top 10. Dear Joe Bob i had the greatest Success of my life in los Angeles Only because i had a French car a French accent Blond hair and French perfume. I really love the was you hate us Caroline Kroner Paris dear Caroline i done to Hale the French. The perfume i could live without. And the ear. And the accent. Keep the Blond hair though. I love that. Dear Joe Bob in your interview in toxic horror you mentioned fighting Theja upper Gores to the death and if you re a horror fan and you re not helping the rest of the horror connoisseurs out then you re going to Clive Barker hell. Well i have written to those Paa butchers a number of times protesting their antics and was wondering what else you think could be done. In be been a horror fan Atic since 7 years old in a 18 now and it kills me to see the Paa who done to have anything to do with the creative process of making a film Tell the makers to trim certain scenes if they want an r rating. I think the Paa has swelled Heads they seem to envision themselves As the High authorities. Someone should put them in their place. The Buck should Stop Here. Rich Klink Olmstead township Luo dear Rich. Maybe we could stick incredibly Long Needles through their eyeballs and then Hack off their arms with machetes and. Naw i guess not huh to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Boh. Or to get tree Unk m the mail and the world famous to am lha weird newsletter write p o Box 2002. Dallas. To 70221 Joe Bob s lax line is 214 3i,h 2310september 22 1991 sunday a
