European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 22, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Explosions can amount to a of Beans Dave Barryte Miami Herald recently i received a letter from a Justice of the United states supreme court concerning a product called  i absolutely swear i am not making this up. The letter written on official . Supreme court stationery comes from Justice John Paul Stevens who Stales a having Long been concerned about the problem of exploding cows it seemed imperative to pass on to you the enclosed advertisement the importance of which 1 am sure will be immediately apparent to you a Justice Stevens enclosed an advertisement from cooking Light Magazine for Beano which according to the manufacturer a prevents the Gas front  the advertisement includes pro Beano quotations from various recognized intestinal Gas authorities including i am still not making this up the new York times the Idaho statesman and Regis Philbin. The advertisement Calls Beano a a scientific and social breakthrough a and states a it s time to spill the Beano Quot i was already aware of this product i done to wish to toot my own Horn so to speak but thanks to the efforts of hundreds of Alert readers my office happens to be the world Clearing House for information relating to Gas buildups that cause explosions in animals plants plumbing humans Etc. In recent months in be received newspaper reports of explosions involving a flounder a marshmallow a mattress two wine bottles several pacemakers during cremation countless toilets a flaming cocktail called a a Harbor Light a Chicken livers Snail eggs a Turkey a tube of poppin1 fresh biscuits a Raccoon and a set of breast implants. So needless to say Many readers have already alerted me about Beano. Several of them had sent me actual samples of Beano which comes in a Small plastic bottle from which you squirt drops onto your food. But until i got Justice Stevens letter i had not realized this was a matter of concern at the highest Levels of government. When you Sec the supreme court justices they always appear to be extremely solemn if not actually deceased. It never occurs to you that under those Robes they have digestive systems too. But they do As can be seen by a careful Reading of the transcript of a recent court hearing chief Justice rehnqu1st is the court to understand then that the counsels interpretation of the statute is. A right who sliced the Limburger he glares at the other justices Justice Scalia Well i am not naming names but i happened to be glancing at the Liberal Wing of the court and i definitely saw some Robes billow if you catch my Drift. Justice Blackmun of sure and i suppose the conservative Wing does no to sound like the All Star Kazoo band Over there. My opinions Are blowing off the Bench. Justice of Connor of yeah Well Why Don t you take your opinions and. This is bad for America. We need our highest judicial body to Stop this childish bickering and get Back to debating the kinds of weighty constitutional issues that have absorbed the court in recent years such As whether a City can legally Force an exotic dancer to cover her entire nipple or just the part that pokes out. So i decided As a tax Duduc Tilc Public service to do a Beano Field test. To make sure the test was legally valid i asked a Friend of mine Paul Levine who a a trained attorney As Well As an author if head participate. Paul is a selfless concerned citizen so 1 was not surprised at his answer. A Only if you mention that my critically acclaimed novel to speak Tor the dead is now available in paperback a he said. A a in a afraid i can to do that a 1 said. But Paul agreed to participate in the Field lest anyway because that is the kind of american he is. My wife Beth also agreed to participate although i want to stress that being a woman she has never Ever in her entire life not once produced any kind of gaseous digestive byproduct and when she docs she blames it on the dogs. To make this the most demanding Field test Schwadron Usa Quot you realize of course yours is Likely to be a landmark  no k 11 1 1 \ where 1. Panama hats a made in Ecuador 2. French Wes a created in Belgium 3. Jordan almonds a from Spain 4. Kentucky Rifle a made in Pennsylvania 5. Louisville slugger a made in Indiana 6. Encyclopaedia Britannica a from Scotland 7. Brazil nuts a primarily from Bolivia 8. India Ink a made in China source world features Syndicate they never really said it 1. Marie Antoinette a let them eat cake 2. George Gipp a Quot win one for the Gipper Quot 3. Gen. William Sherman a Quot War is hell Quot 4. John Paul Jones a Quot i have not yet begun to fight Quot 5. Will Rogers a t never met a Man i did t like Quot source they never said ii a amps Sharon Kilday possible we went to a mexican restaurant. Mexican restaurants slip High octane Beans into virtually everything they serve including breath mints. It is not by Mere Chance that most of Mexico is located outdoors. Paul Beth and i applied the Beano to our food As directed a three to eight Grams per serving a. And we ate it. Other people at these night spots were probably having exciting romantic conversations but ours went like this me so How a everyone doing Beth All quiet Paul not a snap crackle or pop anyway the Bottom har line is that Beano seems to work pretty Well. Paul reported the next Day that All had been fairly Calm although at 3 30 . He was awakened by an outburst. A a you re familiar with the Uzi Quot was How he put it. 1 myself was far safer than usual to Light a match around and Beth reported that the dogs had been unusually quiet. So this could be an important product. Maybe when you go to a restaurant if you order certain foods the waiter should bring Beano to your table instead of those stupid Utility pole sized Pepper Grinders. A care for some Beano a the waiter could say. A Trust me you la need  getting Back to justic Stevens original concern 1 think Federal helicopters should Spray massive quantities of Beano on the nations Dairy farms to reduce the cow methane output. And it should be mandatory in the dining rooms of the United states Congress. In a sure the supreme court will Back me up on this. A sunday september 22. 1991