European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 8, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse Conserving your Money for people who really need it if i were a Liberal. Please god strike me Down now How did you Ever allow me to write those words please get it Over with As 1 was saying if i were a Liberal i might make the following observations about the big Hoo Haw festive Christmas Holiday season of 1991 i might notice How we now have a policy in America of tossing mental patients out on the Street. We like having pm out there instead of in the hospitals. When they re in the hospitals we done to know what to do with pm. When they re on the streets we still Don t know what to do with Mem but we done to have to listen to Mem talk about the insects that Are eating their brains. Another thing i might notice this Christmas is How there s a mean Nasty Streak in people about anything that even remotely sounds like a plan to give Money or help to beggars or drug addicts. When anybody uses the words a homeless shelter Quot or Quot drug treatment Center a you have to erect a barricade first to hold Back All the angry yup sters who will show up demanding that these ideas be removed from their neighbourhoods. One other thing i might notice is How juries in any kind of Case involving violence have kind of stopped up their ears. If the Man did it the Man gets the maximum sentence. If the Man did it under the influence of a drug or a Case of Beer or because he got beat Over the head by his father every single Day of his life til he left Home we done to Wanna hear about it. We re sick of it. We Only care about one solution now and it has bars on it. Of yeah i forgot to mention How we All want to just give up on education. Private schools that a the answer. Well All just pay for whatever education we can afford. This Public school thing has gangs and drugs and we re sick of it. If i were a Liberal i would also mention How the solution to All these problems is for the government to spend More Money on schools and drug treatment centers and homeless shelters and mental hospitals a but that a Why in a not a Liberal. All these misfits and scr ups and bums and beggars and drug cads and Street urchins done to need any government Money. They need us. That a what you do at Christmas. So i want you to do two thing this Holiday season 1. Kill a Liberal. 2. Give the resulting vacant Home to one of these people that needs one. Only kidding a sort of. If you can t do anything else give Mem Money when you see pm on the Street. And listen to me. I do not mean change nut of your pocket. I do not mean a Dollar. Give Mem a Gold urn 10. You still won t be changing a thing but it la do something to you. You might even Start to like it. And if enough of us do it we could gel rid of the liberals forever. Are you following this Good. Speaking of people out on the Street that look like big Green headed rubber lizards. Invasion of the space preachers finally hit video after playing about six Heaters across this great nation of ours. This is the Story of what would happen if a goof Bull accountant and a Clumsy dentist spent a weekend in the appalachians and happened to run into a vicious gang of Hillbillies a Rock band in a trailer Park a flock of nudists two archaeologists and of yeah giant Green iguana people from outer space and one of the iguana people turned out to be a Beautiful Blond nymphomaniac in a Halter top and Blue jeans who has been sent to Earth to assassinate the local evangelist. Of of we Veall heard the Story before but have we heard it with West Virginia accents no we have not. You re Gonna love this Mother. Four dead bodies. Eight breasts exploding head. Possum squashing. Coors gulping. Literal Weed eating. Grenade fishing. Skeleton crushing. Fat jokes. Gay jokes. Zombies. Great dueling Lianos parody. Hillbillies that Stop strangers to ask if they have Quot any of the Grey gratuitous hippie love in. Gratuitous visit to a Roadside attraction called the amazing House of dung. Kung fun. Alien fun. Dear Rifle fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Eliska Vlahn As Nova the Beautiful Blond Bimbo from outer space for learning How to dance then kiss then sit in the backseat of the ear for saying a now will you teach me Quot Guy Nelson As the lame accountant for saying a this is our week away from our Weenie world a Gary Brown As the Rev. Lash who runs around with a Bullwhip ripping Coors cans out of Peoples hands Jesse Johnson As the rambo que Uzi carrying drug dealer for saying a real artists use Black velvet Quot Jim Wolfe As the heroic dentist who gets chained up in a Cage with chickens for saying Quot of no there a mouse Doo Doo in the cereals the great Jimmy Walker for turning up in this movie and actually singing a song for no apparent reason and Piper Thayer for standing around in tight cutoff jeans and a Halter top the whole movie for even less apparent reason. It s no ski patrol but still. Two stars. Joe Bob says Check it bobs advice to the hopeless Republican Alert the Diane 29 drive in on Federal Highway 74-29 just West of Gastonia n.c., largest drive in in the Carolinas and Virginia 1,400 Carswill become the Diane shopping Center this year. Dean Williams of Boone n.c., reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Dear Joe Bob i Felt your column Stone cold put Down the lesbian Community in a very crude and heartless Way. I know you were trying to he funny hut the humor was at the expense of a minority. Doubt that ii would Liae Willen such an article i Joe Bob Briggs creator Syndicate renting your jokes at jews african americans asians or any other minority. Every Community has homosexuals and Many families have relatives who Are Gav. 1 feel your column was an insult to such people. I believe we should respect everyone regardless of whether their lifestyle differs from ours or not. 1 thought that was the american Way or sup posed to be anyway. Helene Baker san Luis Obispo Calif. Dear Helene Lem me get this straight. You think i should make fun of everyone unless they Are homosexual african american jewish or asian these Are Superior classes of people or something they should be beyond my kidding i think you be Gott exactly backward. 1 do in the democratic Way and the american Way. 1 include everybody. Editor san Francisco chronicle must every single word in the chronicle be a politically Correct i feel obliged to respond to those critics of Joe Bob who insist he be banned. Somehow these sex politics zealots feel if they Don t like something they can demand its removal. This of course destroys my right to choose what i read. Why done to they just turn the Page John Barnum Cazadero Calif. Dear John no Don t Tell Mem to turn the Page. Every time they protest i get four weeks of excitement. Dear Joe Bob How about a few words on Jean Claude Van Damme i mean the ads alone a a wham Bam Van anime Quot and a double the Van dam Mage a Are Worth four stars. No West Pas or whatever they say in Belgium Donna Ball Lafayette Calif. Dear Donna in be gotta admit i was wrong about Jean Claude. I thought he d never make it with that weeny voice. Evidently they be been feeding him hormones. In his last movie he was even allowed to do a love scene. The original kick Twer introducing Jean Claudel a massive thighs and his flying Cagle Hammer kick did usher in a new Era in martial arts. Dear Joe Bob i sent a letter about How to solve world hunger and homeless Ness. But apparently it was too disgusting to warrant a response. . Think there a a Market for tuna daiquiris . Eat the homeless. Roger Barnhart Tempe Ariz dear Roger thank you for improving on the anti social nihilism of your first letter. To discuss the meaning of Trio with Joe Boh. Or to got Liee Unk in the mail and his world famous we an the weird newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs p o Bon 2002. fax 7s221 or him 214 Jos 2310 fit invasion of the space preachers
