European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - March 29, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse Voices beast master 2 might be your Type of flick Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in ugly on a stick has started worrying that her 1-year-old baby is a a Type a i said to her a ugly you be been Reading rebook again Haven to you a she admitted it. Ugly on a stick is the Only 6-foot-2,47-Pound woman Ever kicked out of a Beauty parlor for writing Down the answers to every personality test in cosmopolitan Magazine Yelling out the questions to All the other customers and then demanding to know a if in a such a sensual woman How come i Haven to had a Date in three years with a Man who has All his limbs a if id been there i could have told her a because you re i Wasny to there. Anyhow Chloris the Christian name of to a a gave birth about a year ago to a Little splotch skinned mutant baby that we think is mexican but Chloris insists he a swedish. And All she has done for the last year is worry about How Little Bjorn is growing up whether he has the right food the right stuffed Rhino in his crib the right diapers. A How can there be wrong diapers a i asked her. A a it a not like he a Gonna wait for you to find another one. Id say that if the diaper is on his butt when he needs it then by definition its the right but ugly went on and on about How some diapers make Little by oms Shiney turn purple. She fails to notice that it has been purple Ever since he was born. Anyhow in a getting off the Point Here. My Point was that the latest thing ugly has started worrying about is that Bjorn is a Type a baby. A what the Heck is a Type a baby a i asked her. A a it a a person who spends All his time working and planning a i see what you mean a i told her. A Bjorn has been spending All his time working at his Job of spitting up 94 times a Day and then planning How Many times hell spit up speaking of people who have no perspective on life the creators of the beast master which was a Halfway decent movie when it came out 10 years ago suddenly decided to do a sequel beast master 2 through the Portal of time because in the last couple of years a whole new audience discovered the movie from watching it 978 times on Cable to. So they called up Marc Singer who was a Little heftier but still plenty Beasty dusted off his Loincloth and told him to Start talking to the animals again. They got the Money together hired a director replaced Tanya Roberts because she does no to do nudity anymore with an empty a Gal named Kari Wuhrer Only evidently she does no to do nudity either so what a the Point. Then after they finished the movie they suddenly realized that a darn a they forgot to write a script. We re talking 49 dead bodies. Zero breasts. Two motor vehicle chases with explosion. Hunchback Marc Singer in the swing of beast master 2. Zombie Cannibal swamp thing. Laser fireballs. Avalanche. Lost hounds a searching for souls to drag Down into the sword fighting. Face eating Tiger. Arrow through the Throat. Face chewing Eagle. Mazda Miata worship. Kung fun. Ferret fun. Zoo fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for wings Hauser for wearing a lame phantom of the opera mask throughout the movie and for saying stuff like a i done to like it a bring the Witch a and a i shall feed on your memories and know All that you know Quot and a ooh gods of War and Thunder show me the Way to my kingdom a Sarah Douglas As the Witch for saying a the Power of the key is not eternal Quot and then for disappearing before the movie is Over a a she just suddenly vanishes Marc Singer for doing that Loincloth thang and for saying a the animals Are the Only family i have and a where i come from the Only thing virgins Are Good for is sacrifice Wuhrer the mtg Gal for saying a Way Rad a and a Tell daddy in a going to Stop world War Iii a and James Avery As the police chief for saying a have somebody run a Check on All Loincloth freaks and a what you re trying to Tell me Bendowski is that there a some stranger running around with a laser beam blowing brassieres off mannequins a one and a half stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe bobs advice to the hopeless Republican Alert the Knight drive in Only movie theater in Riverton wyo., is dead but not gone. Jason Aycock is trying to revive it and reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Dear Joe Rob Council Bluffs is in Iowa not Nebraska shame on you Lori Mitchell Dallas dear Lori even though the current Rand Mcnally map shows that Council Bluffs is indeed in Iowa i have never been there to verify this and so in the great tradition of the Washington Post series on the 10-year-old heroin Junkie a i stand by my dear Joe Bob please note there is Only one University of Miami and it is in Coral Gables Fla. The other institution to which you erroneously referred to As being a another University of Miami a is actually Miami University and it is indeed somewhere in Ohio. James w. Meloney Raleigh . Dear Jimbo sorry. Lighten up. Sheresh. Dear Joe Bob i was watching late night to last Friday and i happened upon a drive in Delight the Freak maker starring Donald Pleasance. With lines such As a a in la create a race of plants that can walk and men that can take Root a i thought it suspiciously similar to your description of the mutations. Not to mention identical plot lines. What a the scoop i was so sad to see the Lizard lady die its me again Riba meryl Burbank Calif. Dear Riba yes the Freak maker and the mutations Are the same movie except that if you saw it under the name of the Freak maker then you saw the communist edited version. If you saw it on my show on the other hand you saw the Lizard lady and All the other freaks in their Complete and unedited disgustingly realistic splendor. Creators Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob. Or to got free junk in the mail and his world famous to Are the weird newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs. Box 2002, Dallas. To 75221 Joe Bob s fax line is always open 214-368-2310 fils old feelings Over democrats who Are still left Linda Ellerbee its raining a dreary late March rain watering the Graffiti on the Wall of the Library across the Street which grow just Fine without water thank you. Still cold out there. Summer is far too far away for either Hope or memory and if that weren to enough now those men arc coming to my town new York. Those men. The bozos. And their primary. I wish they a go somewhere else and let Mario Cuomo alone so he can finish new Yorkus budget fast enough to get in this race before too Many choices end up being no Choice at All. Clinton i want to like the Man i really do. Many of my friends like him. A few nearly adore him. One an otherwise sensible Washington economist if such is possible says Clinton is for her what Kennedy was for men she is younger you see and while in a tempted to Wax and say Quot Sandy Bill Clinton is no Jack Kennedy a in a curious about her obvious passion Sandy has never Felt this Way about a politician before. But i still can to Trust Bill Clinton. Sorry. Its not the a infidelity thing a although i do wonder if a Man who finds it in him to cheat on his wife wont also find it in him to cheat on his country. Nor is it that he tried for a while to avoid going to Vietnam. Many did for reasons of conscience too and conscience is always admirable in someone who would be president. But then i got to the end of Clinton a Well publicized letter to the part where he changed his mind because he did no to want to damage his future political prospects. This is not you know the same thing As an act of conscience. Recently the associated press asked Clinton to name the Best movie he saw in the last year and he said High noon a movie released in 1954, in which a peace Loving sheriff solves everything by strapping on his gun and killing a Bunch of people. 1 worry about Little things like that. Maybe i just can to get with Clinton because every time i hear him talk about his politics being a Democrat of the �?T90s sounds too much like being a Republican of the �?T80s. Brown governor Moonbeam the last time he ran i was certain he came to us straight from the one planet beyond Pluto. Now he a starting to make sense at least to me he is and i worry about that. I worry about that a lot. I mean we Are speaking of Jerry Brown the Man who when asked by the a to name his favorite music said a Gregorian As for the republicans i will not be voting in that primary so if they wont bother me i wont bother them for the moment. But on april 7, when 244 delegates More than a 10th of the 2,145 needed to win the democratic nomination Are up for grabs in new York state i do mean to vote for someone. It wont be for the one i think would make the Best president or the one who has the Best Chance of getting the Job. Both of those men Are Mario Cuomo and he still Isnit running. However after a Good Deal of thought i think ill vote for Brown in the new York primary. He articulates the voice of dissent in America right now and that a Good. Plus keeping Brown in the race keeps the Campaign process alive and prevents Clinton from coming to the convention As if to a Coronation. I like the idea of a convention where something might actually happen. King features Syndicate March 29, 1992 sunday a Page
