European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 26, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse A voices scoping out your very own horror Story Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in today a Joe Bob Briggs horror scope Taurus april 20-May 20 you be been evasive lately and people Are noticing. Enter the Federal witness Protection program. Your Chart promises excitement but Only when nude in Public. A Good time to eat red meat and switch buttons on your car radio. Gemini May 21-june 20 your attention centers on a person of the opposite sex. Look for excitement and changes. You Are probably a homosexual. Cancer june 21-july 22 the next three Days Are a Good time to buy a handgun. If you feel nauseous any Day this week you have cancer. Leo july 23-aug. 22 done to be surprised if you feel like you woke up in a sitcom. Lbs is about to offer a contract you Are perceived As powerful secure and in control. They re suckers Arentt they Virgo aug. 23-sept. 22 on the inside you feel like jello. On the outside you look like jello. Go to the health spa for a facial and body wrap. Libra sept. 23-oct. 22 your lunar aspect highlights sensuality travel a stranger with a mole on his or her inner thigh and a non alcoholic Pina Colada. Soon one of your friends will say things behind your Back and you la have to be a Jerk about it. Scorpio oct. 23-nov. 21 time for the fresh Start and a new look. Refuse to Bathe today and Dye hair a pastel color. A former teacher will come Back into your life and laugh at your britches. Sagittarius nov. 22-dec. 21 you must get to the heart of the matter today. Pay attention to anyone who has a japanese name especially if he seems stupid. At the office no one will be watching the Petty Cash fund. Capricorn dec. 22-Jan.l9 Good Day to kill anyone named Jennifer or Brad. Otherwise Plant yourself on the Couch for the Day and imitate a Garden vegetable. Aquarius Jan. 20-feb. 18 you have lost the publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes. Nyah nyah nyah. Good Day to cancel All the Magazine subscriptions that did no to do you a bit of Good. Pisces feb. 19-March 20 Moon in your sign corresponds to a deep secret about that thing that you did As a kid. Everyone is going to find out. You can to avoid it. The whole world is going to know. You la be humiliated. Good Day to Start a Hobby. Aries March 21-april 19 you la want to stay in bed until 3 . Someone at the office will say a a where a you get that Hickey on your lip a there san excellent Chance you will die soon. Speaking of grisly gunk spewing out of the newspaper the terror within is a pretty decent flick about what will happen when Qadhafi fires up his new chemical warfare Plant wipes out 99 percent of the Earth and we end up with George Kennedy and a Bunch of to movie actors living in an underground shelter in the Mojave desert. Ill Tell you what a Gonna happen. There will be these giant intestine head Lizard legged loonies roaming through the desert raping All the women so they can Breed More genetic Dan mucus monsters to populate the Earth. And what a the Only solution to save us from these mutated Mush Heads Andrew son of Stella Stevens he has an abortion policy like he tells his Girlfriend after she gets raped by a giant piece of protoplasm with legs a we really abort until we know it s not mine. The Only problem is these slim sewer fetuses grow so fast that they re the size of Lincoln Continentals within 24 hours. That Means they re popping out through voluntary a sections before anybody can pour liquid drano on Mem and then they Start marching through the scientific underground Bunker slashing Peoples throats open with their fangs. There a Only one thing that can Stop pm a dog whistle. You know if people weren to such weenies about abortion these Days they would be had these three ton Colon cancer monsters dead before their Slimy Little Heads chewed off their first Finger. This movie should be required viewing for every member of the supreme court. We re talking 17 dead bodies. No breasts. Snake eating. Bloody fetus monster. Multiple Throat slashing. Giant Gargoyle rape. One self abortion. Exploding Sheds. Exploding gargoyles. Gratuitous monster abortion scene the Best one since its alive Buzzard fun. Crossbow fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Kennedy As Hal the Laid Back Boss for saying a we must terminate at the first sign of abnormality Terri treas As the doctor for saying a i guess Well have to get rid of it Tommy Hinckley As the fix it Man for saying a turn it into a crispy Critter a Starr Andreeff As the monster Rapee for screaming a please get rid of it soon a Andrew Stevens As the professional slime monster killer for saying a i ainu to sticking around to smell its breath and Roren Sumner As the giant Lizard guts Gargoyle for getting a spooned dog whistled sprayed tripped rammed crowbar red blow torched and Cut into itty bitty pieces by a giant ceiling fan. Three stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. File gut wrenching Star of the terror within. Joe bobs advice to the hopeless communist Alert the last drive in in Vermilion Ohio has been sold a for a measly $40,000 a and now the Only place to get decent drive in fare is at the mini Mart rent of Rama. Sue Smith who reported the death is going through withdrawal and begging for companionship. Remember without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Dear Joe Bob if you were to be elected president in 1992, would you intend to have Yassir Arafat in your administration Larry Wright Elko Nev. Dear Larry i agree with George Shultz Secretary of state under president Reagan. Yassir does no to deserve a visa. He needs to Start out like everybody else. Get him a Texaco card maybe a Montgomery Ward charge bout 20 Bucks on each one and build up credit ratings. Then after a year if he can get somebody to co sign for him he can move on up to visa. Dear i saw your picture in time or Newsweek. Do you really dress like that Jack Smith or. Columbus Ohio dear Jack no somebody painted on your copy with a magic Marker. Joe Bob Briggs is on vacation. This column was written in january 1989. Creators Syndicate let a not quibble Over a Little lie Clinton style Linda Ellerbee to get tree junk and the world famous we Are the weird newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs Box 33, Dallas. To 75221. For obnoxious yuppies in the audience Joe Bob has a tax number 214-368-2310. My partner and i arc enjoying what passes for a Power breakfast around our place Coffee for him Tea for me. Newspapers for everybody. National Public radio Speaks in the background a the world according to Bob Edwards. My partner and i drink and read and listen. There Are worse ways to begin the Day. A did you see this a i say pointing to the paper. A one in five americans done to Trust Bill a who says a a the poll was taken by the associated press it says i read on. Quot. In an Effort to put the highly publicized voter polls into perspective by asking a Trust questions of a broader sampling of a what docs that mean a my partner understands English. Its not his fault the newspaper Isnit using it. A it Means they asked the people who did t vote in the a did the poll say if these same non voting people Trust George Bush a a a in a glad you asked. According to this newspaper 49 percent said they mostly Trust president Bush to do what is right. On the other hand just 18 percent mostly Trust Clinton 19 percent almost never Trust him and 39 percent Trust the Arkansas governor some of the a Clinton a fall politicians a quibbling is lying. Its just a different Way to do Quot quibbling is lying who says Quot a the air Force my partner attended the air Force Academy years ago when he and it were both much younger and one of the things spelled out most clearly was lying. A remember a Long time ago when they first asked Bill Clinton if head Ever smoked marijuana and he said to be never broken any state or Federal then later it turned out the truth was that no he Hadnot broken any state or Federal Law because head smoked marijuana in England. That was quibbling and quibbling is lying because it violates the very sense of truth the truth of truth if you will. In that Way its worse than lying. They a throw him out of the air Force Academy for i head for the dictionary. To quibble it says is to use ambiguous or Prevar Cating language to evade a Point. I said a is evading the same As lying a a at the air Force Academy it a Well if that a True Well never be Able to find anyone to be president. They evade even More than they a you mean they a a they re very Good at it a Clinton is. The a the Champion Quibbler a a where do you think Bill Clinton Learned How to do it a a the a Nixon a a Kennedy quibble a a you Ever ask him about Marilyn Monroe a a Bob or Jack a a a done to King features Syndicate april 26, 1992 sunday a Page
