European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 26, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Words and wit sew you think you can figure out pour pore poor James j. Kilpatrick the writer s Art a homophone is one of two or More words that sound More or less alike but Are spelled differently and have different meanings. Believe me homophones Are fleas on the dog of prose composition. The Pes Kiest of them All i have concluded is pour pore poor. I used to believe that sight site cite held the prize with principle principal and rein reign rain close behind. But consider a company Selling software advertises that a you done to need to spend hours pouring Over  mature living tells us about Kate who sat for hours pouring Over old photo albums. Mature living also tells us about Greg and Randy who poured Over old family albums. The san Antonio express news recently recalled that Leon Trotsky was pouring Over an article just before his Assassin did him in. Another correspondent for the express news reported that leaders from Colombia Bolivia and Peru were pouring Over a five year budget. In the Birmingham Ala news a photo caption had Vicki Goldstein pouring through greeting cards. In Indianapolis a restaurant critic for the news poured Over a lengthy new menu at be Peep. Car ugh Kate Greg Randy Leon Vicki and the critic weren to pouring for Peters Sake. They were poring. If they had been pouring we would have had some very wet manuals albums articles budgets and menus. Car ugh again the . Department of Justice published a newspaper and directed at employers of immigrants Quot does the foreign born appearance or ability to Quot speak affluent English affect your decision about hiring a prospective employee a Well Many aliens May speak poor English but probably few speak Rich English. What a affluent English anyhow the Ocala Fla Star Banner had its problems with the word. It editorialized on a new sewage treatment Plant and remarked upon the City a trouble in finding a place a for its treated  in Omaha by contrast Century companies of America advertised its Quot financial services for the  for the record affluent and effluent Are two very different things and if you done to know the difference look them up while you re at it get straight on ring wring. The lands end mail order people who have plenty of time to prepare a Catalon some months ago were promoting their popular new cords. A put them through the ringer and they la stay soft and  popular science Magazine in 1990 was promoting a sport sponge that Quot rings out completely for instant  the Newark . Star Ledger reported that on a Rainy new years eve residents would be a bringing out their Coats before ringing in the new  in Spartanburg s.c., a woman who had been victimized by a con artist wanted to ring the Fellows neck. In Seattle a column of helpful hints in the Post intelligencer had sound advice Quot never stand on the top wrung of a ladder a i wont. I Promise. A sportswriter for the Plain dealer in Cleveland recalled when news of Pete roses gambling a sent Bells ringing and sirens  the scribe was right on ringing but do sirens whale another sportswriter quoted a Golf pro on the courses around Stuart Fla. They re wide open. A you can get up there and just Wail  after a Nasty Hook especially. Thinking of wailing a few years ago the Omaha world Herald interviewed the producer of a revival of showboat. The producer liked the original score of Oil Man River better than a Quot soupy version that came later. The 1927 score Quot had a Beautiful dignity about it with the plaintiff Wail of those  every judge in the land has heard a plaintiff Wail a a plaintive sound if there Ever was one. Many writers get tangled in sew sow. Even smithsonian Magazine a beautifully edited publication had Magellan a sewing the seeds of  an Ohio weekly had sen. John Glenn sewing seeds of democracy. The Rocky Mountain news in Denver had the seeds of social problems Quot sewn in a baby a genes at  lot of fancy needlework there. Had enough the Rod and gun columnist for the Canton Ohio repository advises readers on How a to properly dress a  the dear might try the suit worn by miss Nebraska. It had a a neck and a a surplus  in new Jersey the associated press reported that the health department was cracking Down on eggs with a Runny  As they say in the cartoon that Sall Fokes. Universal press Syndicate Here s hoping for a Short life of Long skirts Tony Kornheiser we have been informed via Paris the fashion capital of the world that Short skirts Are out and ankle length skirts Are in. All the tre Doid designers agree its Long or its wrong. This is a terrible mistake. I am opposed to Long skirts and my opposition is founded entirely on concern for the safety of women and the health of our planet. Long skirts pose a health Hazard to working women. A Friend of mine told me her Long skirt got caught under the wheels of her chair at work. She was jerked Forward onto the floor on her face. She could have died. Quot fashion mishap claims woman 34, estate seeks damages from Gianni  Long skirts also pose a danger in High wind and rain. All that material can produce what is scientifically described As Quot a Para sail  on blustery Days we could be scraping hundreds of women off Light towers. Long skirts Are also an environmental disaster. They require More material. If they use a natural fiber like Cotton it Means pollutant producing factories have to operate longer hours ruining the air a Model in the full length version. And further depleting the Ozone layer. If the skirts Are suede or leather it Means More innocent animals Are biting the dust. Do you want that on your conscience do you want your kids to think you re the Type of woman who a Wear Elsie so you see Long skirts Are clearly the wrong ecological economic political statement to make. Now i must admit that men without my impeccable feminist credentials might have other reasons for bemoaning the lengthening of skirts a  As their desire to scope out some babes pins. Not me. But just for that minuscule segment of the audience let me say this Guys this Means women will no longer Wear the kind of Short tight Skirls Ellen Barkin wore in sea of Low. 1 get a sense men Are saying wait a second i like those skirts. Id like to see them stick around a while a at least until i need Cataract surgery. This is because while women see skirt length As having to do with style men see skirt length As having to do with sex. Lets face it if skirts weren to supposed to be sexy All women would Wear sweatpants like my aunt Gert who weighs somewhere Between 260 pounds and a Kentucky Derby hopeful. Some people who advocate Long skirts say they re actually sexier because they a leave a lot to the  in a in favor of leaving things to the imagination. In a just not in favor of leaving everything to the imagination. I am amazed at the slavish Way women obey these fashion twits i think i la become a designer. Ill design dresses with sequins across the front that spell out a i want  i have yet to see populist support from women for these Long skirts. Of i m sure women with terrible legs like them but they would hardly hold up a sign that said a i have legs like the struts on a John Deere Backhoe thank you Karl  most women i know say they hate this idea. My editor is livid about this move to Long skirts. A i done to go to a health club four Days a week so i can come Home and swathe myself in a tent and in a sure Ellen Barkin does no to either a she said. And my smart Friend Martha is equally incensed. Quot it s the revenge of Nancy Reagan Quot she said. A women with fabulous legs a like me a have had it Good for five years. Now Phi Hufft. My legs Are the Only thing i have going for me. I wont get any dates  i just done to understand Why women buy into this fashion stuff. What a next Well in Paris the other Day some belgian Hotshot introduced a line of women a clothing that included Long dresses covered by a plastic dry cleaning bag. I m serious. You done to take it out of the bag. You Wear the bag on top and at the end of the evening you Don t have to take it off you can simply walk into your closet and hang yourself up. The Good news is the dress never gets dirty. The bad news is you can suffocate putting it on. Creators Syndicate Page a sunday april 26, 1992