European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 01, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse 11 if to Luft of Kifft miss manners Judith Martin dear miss manners my son s Bride to be has asked me if my father cannot give me away be cause of ill health will you give Roe away this seems awkward and inappropriate. How should i answer gentle Reader this is an unfortunate doubt it arises from the notion which this Young lady is not alone in mistakenly holding that the role of father must be cast with a suitable looking Gen Tucman rather than the spirit of that task be pre served by having a member of the Bride s own family most obviously her Mother undertake it. The charming Way to Call this to her attention would be to say Why the Best thing about this wedding is that i am gaining you As a daughter. I certainly Don t want to Start by giving you dear miss manners my first Cousin s Daugh Ter is being married on the same Day that our Friend and his wife Are celebrating his retirement his 75thbirthday and their 25th wedding anniversary. We will be invited to the wedding As i had be enclose to my Cousin though not to his daughter who is much younger. We see each other Only at family gatherings three or four times a year. We arc emotionally close to the friends and see or Call them frequently. By upbringing and family practice i am trained tout family before friends but i do not feel it is right to do so anymore. Would it be proper to go to the anniversary party and Send Bur regrets and a gift to my Cousin s daughter gentle Reader miss manners is not going Roget near that question of who comes first Distant family or close friends. Fortunately she does t have to. The Rule of etiquette is to stick with the invitation you accepted first. Dear miss manners i have excellent seats fora performance by one of my favorite singers and i would like to throw Flowers at the end of the performance but i Don t know the protocol i think Well be about six rows Back so if i threw from there might miss the stage. Gentle Reader never mind what you might miss. It s what you might hit that worries miss Man ners. A bouquet in the hands of the Soprano in he deathbed Nightgown is charming a bouquet Landing on the head of the gentleman in the third Row is not. The Best throwing area is the end of the aisle nearest the stage. Advance arrangements with the Levin Usa i w la \ i a k ill Lead if you Don t people in your Row and an usher forewarned that you Are not advancing on the stage in order to exact your revenge either on the villain or on the director will save you a lot of explaining when you should be concentrating on your throwing dear miss manners say we have just been introduced at a social function and Are making the usual Small talk. With no hint of motive you ask if Iam married. In the same conversational tone and without attempting to sound Coy i respond no not legally or technically would your reaction be the reality is that i am a Gay Man involved in longstanding committed relationship. Marital status being the subject of state Law my Lover and t cannot be _ but your question does not seek to know How i a regarded by the government and the irs you want to know How i am integrated in the social fabric. If i respond simply no or yes i allow you to proceed with a misunderstanding that could eventually cause you embarrassment. If i divert our conversation to explain the circumstances i run the risk of sounding militant or of making this aspect of my life seem overriding. On almost All Levels my Lover and i openly function As a single social unit. But i frequently attend workday luncheons and receptions alone either be cause spouses Are not invited or because it is not convenient to join do not want to create the impression that my homosexuality defines my work As a lawyer boar member and responsible citizen but i will not be a dissemble either. My usual response raises eyebrows but it allows the other person to determine whether a More de tailed explanation will be pursued. In terms of keep ing the conversational door open it has met with varying degrees of Success. Docs miss manners regard this As unduly provocative and if so can she suggest a More appropriate tack. Gentle Reader on the contrary she would like to thank you for this solution which meets her Crite Ria on two major counts it answers the questions that was really being asked rather than the Liberal one and it deals with the social rather than the private nature of you personal manners does t endorse anyone s personal arrangements not even one s Legal marriage. It is not her business to do so. What she asks is a single Standard for everyone of telling society simply what it needs to know As you put it How you Are integrated in the social fabric or More plainly whether you Are unattached and if not whom i should invite when i invite feature Syndicate feeling incorrect address your etiquette questions in Black or Blue Black Ink on unite writing paper to miss manners . Box 91428 Cleveland Ohio 44101-3428. The Quill shortage prevents miss my ners trom answering questions in trept through this column. Gerber Gusa at the Bank Mark Hampton and All his cd s Roll Over gun and children and death Are no joke Erma Bombeck if 14 children were killed in a bus Accident a route to a Little league game it would be the Lead Story on the 6 o clock 14 children perished in a fire at a Day care Center it would make the wire services. If 14 children drowned in a boating Accident at a picnic there would be a full scale investigation. Where is the outcry for the 14 children who Willdie today in gun accidents the 14 who will Acci dentally shoot themselves or be shot by a playmate we re not taking very Good care of the children Weare charged to protect. And that s our Job. We seem to think that after we get them through the stages of Don t put that in your Mouth or Don t play wit matches we be done it. But it goes on. Don t accept rides or Candy from Don t swim Don t play Ball in the Don t use kerosene to Start a Don t use daddy s electrical every Day i hear How this generation of children isso much More advanced mentally than their parents or grandparents. Don t count on it. They re children who have not yet developed judgment and can t Tell reality from make believe. By the time they have finished elementary school they will have watched 8,000 murders on television. Bang bang you re dead and next week the same Guy gets killed again on another thriller or he appears on a talk show to discuss his next film. In the eyes of a child he did t really die. The gun did t shatter his eardrums when it was fired on Tele vision. The victim did t even bleed a lot. And there was t a funeral shown where people were sad the person was gone. There in t a gun made that you can hide from Achild and his insatiable curiosity. The same child who can get the Bell out of a Ball in 20 seconds at the age of 9 months can find a handgun. He pays the Price for his curiosity. The cause of the month is to get violence an murders off the television screens. I d feel a lot bet Ter if we got them out of the Home. Universal press Syndicate the Lone Ranger / 1. Kee to Sah Bee from Camp of Sarofe name / it 2. Mask movie sequel showed him without 3. Number of outlaws captured 21,734 4. Number of Silver bullets fired -12,684 5. Number of people killed none out West five who turned dowry Patton role 1. Spencer Tracy 2. Burt Lancaster 3. Rod Steiger 4. Lee Marvin 5. Robert Mitchum the laser disc film Guida Page 10 sunday August 1, 1993
