European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 01, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse Need humiliating questions these Are on target Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in Arget just got sued from Here to Nome Alaska for asking Weir questions on its Job application. One of the questions was do you Ever hear voices telling you what to do. Obviously the store is searching for that Norman Bates applicant who wants to spend the rest of his life in the Back room at target breaking Down card Board boxes. But when you think about it what if Norman Bates was applying for the Job his answer would be yes i occasionally hear the voice of my sainted he actually sounds More moral than somebody who says i Don t listen to nothing. I problys won t even listen Coyour voice or. Assistant manager another question they asked was have you Ever been in trouble for your sexual behaviour do they actually believe there Are people who have never been in trouble for their sexual behaviour again Norman Bates is the Only Guy who never Ever got in trouble for his sexual behaviour. of us go around screwing up All the time getting married getting divorced falling in love falling out of love and lusting after our various neighbors wives and husbands like Normal people it makes you wonder about those people Selling the Weed eaters does t it another question on the application was do you Ever have trouble beginning or ending a Bowel move ment i m not making this up. Sometimes i make things up but this time i am not lying. This was on the target Job application. Now what s the corporate concern Here staying gone too Long on a break making a Good impression in the bathroom fixtures department and How Long Are you supposed to think about this question before you answer i mean i Don t Wanna think about it of i m sure it has happened but i would rather not discuss it. Do you Ever fantasize about setting fires that s another one. My question about this one is How Many of the people who do fantasize about setting fires would also be so brain dead that they would admit it on a Job application i m sorry i did t get to fill out this application be fore they stopped using it. I would have written Down the other Day while trying to finish a Bowel movement i started to hear evil voices telling me to have sex with a Florist. Do you have a match do we really need this information to decide who gets to sell cheap Wicker Patio furniture who Are these people speaking of dinosaurs it s time to review the big pre historic special effects thriller of the summer. I speak of course of Camo Saur. I know that Jurassic Park got All the publicity. This is mainly because Steven Spielberg spent $47 million building his dinosaurs while Roger Corman spent about $47 on Camo Saur. Other than that though exact same movie. Carny As we Call him is like a midget Godzilla with a lethal Lizard Tail but the scar Iest thing about him is that he grins exactly like bar Ney the Dinosaur. Look at that while he s chomping your gizzards. Even Raymond Burr would give up. What we have Here is your Basic genetic Dan carny the Godzina like Star of Camo Saur. Gone hog wild flick beginning with poultry research at a secret Nevada Jab where Looney tunes scientist Diane Ladd has figured out a Way to put Dinosaur genes in Chicken eggs sell them to unsuspecting american housewives and watch All the women of America Start getting pregnant and spitting out Slimy Green jello holds with baby dinosaurs inside. Twenty dead bodies. No breasts. Stomach Chew ing. Face eating. Limb ripping. La Maze Dinosaur birthing. Leg chomping. Hand layering. Huge bloody Green eggs. Special Green tinted Din vision Cam Era. Gratuitous Goat embryo fluid. Chicken fun. Autopsy fun. Flamethrower re. Drive in Academy award nomination for Ned Bellamy As a Sleazy government research scientist for saying the last thing we need is a biotech panic about two stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe Bob s advice to the hopeless Republican Alert the Edwards drive in in Azusa calif., has been closed Down. Official excuse poor we find that a Lith hard to believe. New ownership needed let s save the place. Tim Murphy of Al Monte reminds us that without eternal Vig Ilance it could happen Here. Dear Joe Bob. The drive in movie philosophy in Germany is highly underdeveloped. Gould you please Tell me the exact number or give me a rough estimate of the dead bodies and dead fish in the movie total recall because my Friend and i were expelled from the movie theater for shooting Back with our toy guns so we could t finish the statistics. A Long time fan from Germany says thank you. Juliane Loshen Hanau Germany dear Juliane t if you Don t quit this rough housing in the Thea ters we re Sonria have to separate you people again. I mean it now. Dear Joe Bob you re great you re strange have you always been great have you always been strange were you left alone a lot As a child How can i get a Job like yours Are you hiring Vonne Clinkscales Arlington Texas Dearbonne i was smothered with affection when i was a child. It s after i grew up that everyone left me alone a lot. Creators Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joa but. Or to got free junk in tha mail and Joe Bob s world famous nows Tosior Tia jo9 Bob pop Ort. Write to Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002, Dallas teas 75221. Joa Bob s fax line is always open 214 368-23 0. Hordes still seek America the land of anti Imp migrants Linda Elleroe she faced them the Small serious woman who meant to sit on the supreme court. Inthe quiet room Ruth Bader Ginsburg de scribed herself to the United Sta pcs am a first generation american on my father s Side barely second generation on my Mother s. What has become of me could Only happen in interesting idea in an America that seems intent on closing the Gate yesterday. You be probably noticed that anti immigration feelings have never been so Strong in this nation of immigrants. Several recent polls have documented current attitudes toward those who wish to come to these shores. Haitians. Chinese. Mexicans. Vietnam Ese. And so on. Every newspaper contains at least one Story about the new immigrants Legal and Ille Gal caught and not caught right or wrong. To me the Issue seems Plain Here and Basic should anyone be allowed to Cross any Border at any time and if not what arc valid reasons for keeping them out once you decide it ought to be that simple. It is not. The truth is that All these new people do take jobs Cost Money and cd Plicato Many things. This Sall True. It s also True that racism probably is a Factor in this heavy anti immigrant sentiment although no one wants to admit it. If race is not a Factor it would be the first time. Immigration has always been a problem in Ameri Ca. Ask any american Indian. What we forget and what is perhaps Worth remembering from time to time is that immigration not imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I mean Why would any vietnamese want to come to America after what America did to Vietnam did t they remember my Lai napalm Sylvester Stallone dearly they had no More sense than All those mexicans who keep trying to get into this country even though this country stole Large parts of that country to make this country in the first place. And How about those haitians did t anybody Tell those people Down there How we used to own those people up Here haitians. Mexicans. Vietnamese. Don t they understand anything or Are they like every Mick Wop Frog Limey chink Bohunko Square headed Mackerel snapping Bible thumping Christ killing Banjo playing idol worshipping Book Reading rabble rousing pea pick ing ornery so and so who got Here. First. Put another Way All the rest of us who got Here first. I looked up immigrant in my Webster s dictionary of quotable definitions and you know what it said see immigrate i is a big confusing Issue and i might not understand it but 1 do have one tiny Little thing i d like to say to anybody anywhere who wants to come to America. Thank you. Nice to know you still feel that Way about Ameri Ca. I still do too. And so it goes King features Syndicate. August 1,1903 sunday Page 21
