European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 14, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse A hot role Mode i for women Joebob Briggs goes to the drive Inive decided i like this Guy Fabio. You know the Guy with the giant breasts and the Apache Indian Hairdo. The Guy whose every word is the equivalent of the Guy who writes Romance novels by dictating his feelings into a tape recorder and makes cd where he breathes heavy a lot so that women can fantasize that he s breathing right directly onto their quivering flesh. This Guy is great. We be finally found the male equivalent to to Derek. And what s really great about it is that women Are reacting to Fabio that same Way men Are accused of reacting to to. You know How women always say you Guys Are Sootoo immature. All you care about is a woman s body you re so easily and now we have absolute final proof that women net exactly the same Way. How Many Magazine covers has this Guy been on Nineteen thousand How Many times has he shaken that Billowy mane into the Lens of a camera How Many articles have been written about the time he spends in the gym taking care of his rippling deltoids How Many to shows has he gone on to talk about his goal of bring ing More Law and Roma once into the society How Many times has he stuffed himself into a Speedo swimsuit for his demanding method act ing role on Acapulco heat.? and the women go crazy for him. You probably saw the talk show where Sally Kirkland sat next to him on a Couch and screamed out i m hav ing an orgasm you be probably seen the inter views with the proves Brigitte Nielsen stars in Siona women in Armani dresses talking about How Fabio is a wonderful romantic dream made of you know what u happen next women will Start following him Down the Street screaming stuff like hey hot pants i be got what you need right Here a casting director will offer him a part if hell just slip into something More comfortable if you know what i mean and i think you do. An older woman will Start sending to his House and Tell him that she d like to for his movie debut. In other words everything that men do to deserve their Sleazy reputation will be repeated thousands of times As Fabio is ogled harassed and treated like a sex object. I like this. We can team something Here. And just when i thought we were losing too. Speaking of incredible Talent from the Pia Zadora school of dramatic Art Brigitte Nielsen is Back and they May have found the perfect role for her. Ten years ago the great Sybil Danning rip away Bra Queen of the 70s and 80s, starred in the immortal won in in cages classic chained heat. Now the Sybil Danning of the 90s stars in chained heat 2. Brigitte her hair is cropped her Abs Are toned her Thunder thighs Are rippling beneath her Dacron body stocking and she has this mean whiskey voiced laugh that begs to be slapped. Who better to be the evil Kinky Warden of the meanest women s prison in Czechoslovakia this is my Kinda sequel. They made the exact same movie but w Ith a longer Shower scene. It starts Oft with innocent Little Kimberley Kates being framed for Coke Possession and arrested at the train station. If you re asking Why she s arrested you obviously Haven t seen enough bimbos in cages. Be cause if she s not arrested for doing nothing at All we have no movie. Next thing she s sentenced to 10 years hard Tabor by the evil czechoslovakian judge. Next she gets tossed into the Musky cattle pen of a prison where Brigitte rules with the help of her sadistic Lesbo Lover Jana Vandova who likes to go into the Ward at night order inmates to strip off their clothes and go into the secret cocaine preparation room where they stuff Coke in bags while sitting around in the Buff. Twenty four dead bodies. Fifty breasts. Multiple aardvark ing. One motor vehicle Chase with two crashes. Strangulation. Shower stabbing. Back Stab Bing coat Hook through the neck. One riot with bazookas grenades machine guns. One Guy actually crushed to death by a Bimbo do pile. Kung fun. Handcuff fun. Bullwhip fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Vandova As the Nasty Lesbo guard who correctly pronounces at least half her English dialogue and says i hate junkies especially the in Nocent ones and you re nothing but a piece of meat Lloyd Simandl the director for not being afraid to make the unpopular artistic Choice and copy the first movie and of course Brigitte for say ing dance for me Bitch four stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe Bob s advice to the hopeless Republican Alert the route 35 drive in in Hazlet n.j., the last drive in in the state of new Jer sey on 65 forested acres with 1,350 parking spaces shut Down after 35 years because it was betrayed by its own owners. They applied for shopping mall zoning and vow they la re place it with a j 2-Screcn "3,000-seat indoor Thea Well believe it when we see it. New Jersey is the Birthplace of the drive in the first drive in was in Camden n.j., in 1933and now they re All gone. Linda Mcdaniel of Trainer pa., and a Bunch of others remind us that without eternal vigilance it could happen Here. Dear Joe Bob How would you rate nurse Nancy and Catalina five o Tiger shark Are they Worth pee wee being escorted out of the local theater by the local constabulary and whining gosh mister. You Guys Don t let me have any fun. A a. Philip Frankenfeld Chicago dear Phil contrary to popular belief pee wee was nor watching nurse Nancy when arrested but the neglected but actually better made Catalina five of Tiger shark. Everyone who has been renting nurse Nancy and going i Don t get it should be watching the far Superior five of especially the sem famous squid scene. Of Gator Syndicate to discuss Tia meaning of Irta with Jobob. Or to gel Frea junk in tha mail and a copy of Joa Bob s world famous naw Slatta. The Jot Bob report Writa Joa sob Brigga. . To 2002. Rajus Texas 75221. Jobob s fax Lina is always open 214 -36d-23lo. Chained heat 2. Fila this celebrity treat did t turn out to be easy As pie Linda Ellerbee it began simply. Would i the lady on the Tele phone wanted to know take part in the March of dimes celebrity Cook off a Black tie Galata the Plaza hotel. Five Hundred celebrity chefs. Of course i said yes to the lady. Simple i decided was Best. These society people i said to myself they probably Dine out on humming Bird Tortellini twice a week. They re probably bored to death with fancy cooking. My Mother was a Good Cook but she got tired too. That s Why one sunday night when i was about 10 years old she told me to go into the Kitchen and make the family supper. But mama i Don t know How to my Mother gave me the look. Linda Jane any fool can make a frito she was right All you do is layer frito canned Chili chopped onions and grated cheese into a Casse role put it in the oven until heated through and cat. Now i had an idea. Why not make frito Pic for the gala it would be different. Down Home. Witty. Fun. Easy. And nobody would guess the ingredients. I called my office and dictated the recipe. We had a hard time hearing each other but it s often that Way Over air plane phones. I arrived at the gala barely in time to climb behind. My Booth where a chef from the Plaza hotel was pulling the first giant frito pie from the oven. I put my spoon into the pie to taste. And almost threw up. It tasted like Ketchup topped with Cheddar cheese. What i asked the chef did you put in that he saw my face and paled himself. I used Only your special recipe for frito pie for eight people. Here i have it. he pulled out the recipe faxed from my office. Where it was supposed to read three cans of Chili it read three cans of Chile the air plane phone. No wonder it tasted like Ketchup covered with Cheddar cheese. No wonder the frito had decomposed. I looked up Down past Danny Glover s crab cakes and Joan Rivers turnovers to see the first of 500 gowned Tux does coiffed and bejewelled people most of whom had paid $750 each to Sample the celebrities cooking headed my Way. Not having a better idea i went to the bathroom and threw up. Then i decided to go Back and confess to everybody. It s my fault. Please do not eat this. I can explain everything i would Sayi but when i got Back to the ballroom i could t get to my Booth for the crowd around it. Yep. They loved my frito pie in new York City. Many including a fellow named Trump took seconds and i could have said a variety of things to those people right then but i la always believe that under the circumstances i said the right thing. I said nothing. And the moral Well you May say this Story proves How unalterably silly people can be or you May say it proves How Little new yorkers know about Fine eating. But i say you re a cynic. I say those people were simply being in the Best sense of the word charitable. And so it goes. King features Syndicate november 14,1993 sunday Page 21
