European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 14, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Rude Awakening from a teen age rising son Dave Barry. Of that my son has turned 13, i m think ing about writing a self help Book for parents of teen agers. It would be a sensitive insightful Book that would explain the Complex emotionally charged relationship Between the Parent and the adolescent child. The title would be i m a Jerk you re a Jerk. The underlying philosophy of this Book would be that contrary to what you hear from the experts it s a bad idea for parents and teen agers to attempt to communicate with each other because there s Al ways the risk that one of you will actually find out what the other one is thinking. For example my son thinks it s a Fine idea to stay up until 3 . On school nights Reading what recalled suspense novels defined As novels wherein the most positive thing that can happen to a charac Ter is that the evil ones will kill him before they eat his  my son sees no connection betwee the fact that he stays up Reading and the fact that he does t feel like going to school the next Day. Rob i Tell him As he is eating his breakfast in extreme slow motion with his eyes completely closed so that he sometimes accidentally puts food into his ear i want you to go to sleep  dad he says using the tone you might use when attempting to explain an abstract intellectual concept to an Oyster you dont  am not tired. I am spa Josh sound of my son passing out face Down in his Cracklin oat bran psychologists would Tell us that falling asleep i Cereal is Normal for teen agers who need to become Independent of their parents and make their own decisions which is Fine except that if my son made his own decisions his daily schedule would be mid flight to 3 . Read suspense novels. 3 . To 3 . Sleep. 3 15 . Order Hearty breakfast from Domi no s pizza and put on loud hideous music recorded live in hell. 4 . To Midnight. Blow stuff up. Unfortunately this schedule would leave little1 room for say school so we have to Supply parental guidance if you Don i open this door right now i will break it Down and charge itto your allowance the result being that our relationship with our son involves a certain amount of conflict in the same sense that the Pacific Ocean involves a certain amount of water. At least he does t Wear giant pants. I keep Seei Gyoung teen age males wearing enormous pants pants that two or three teen agers could occupy simultaneously and still have room in there for a Pic Nic Basket pants that a Clown would refuse to Wear on the grounds that they were too undignified. The Young men Wear these pants really Low so that the Waist is about knee level and the pants butt drags on the ground. You could not be an effective criminal wearing pants like these because you d be unable Toffee on foot with any velocity. Police officer we tracked the alleged perpetrator from the crime scene by following the Trail of his dragging pants butt. Prosecutor and what was he doing when you caught up with him police officer he was hobbling in a suspicious manner. What i want to know is How do Young people buy these pants do they try them on to make sure they Don t fit do they take along a 570-Pound Friend or a mature Polar Bear and buy pants that fit him i asked my son about these pants and he told me that mainly Basic is Wear them. Bassets Are peo ple who like a lot of Bass in their music. They drive around in cars with four trillion Watt sound systems playing recordings of what sound like above ground nuclear tests with less of an emphasis on Melody. My son also told me there Are people called pos ers who dress like Basic is but arc in fact be. Kids get a leg up on fashion. Bretly  he said that some posers also pose As headbangers who Are people who like heavy Metal music which is performed by Skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage striking their instruments and shrieking angrily apparently because somebody has stolen All their shirts. Like my son said contemptuously some pos ers will act like they like Metallica but they Don know anything about  if you can imagine. I be mainly Given my Side of the Parent teen Ager relationship and i Promise to give my son s Side if he Ever comes out of his room. Remember How the Media made a big Deal about it when those people came out after spending two years inside biosphere 2? Well two years is nothing. Veteran Parent assure me that teen agers routinely spend that Long in the bathroom. In fact Veteran parents assure me that i Haven t seer anything yet. Wait till he gets his Driver s License they say. That s when Fred and i turned to  yes the next few years Are going to be challenging. But i m sure that with love and Trust and under standing my family will get through them of. A least i will because i plan to be inside biosphere 3. Tit Miami Herald. To Vul page28 sunday november 14, 1993