European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 21, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse Words & wit a Good Book for can look it up James j Kilpatrick the Wriler s Art Ith the Yule tide approaching it s an appropriate time to recommend titles for a writer s Christmas morning. Hundreds of useful books Are waiting on a bookseller s shelves. Digression. Where did Yule come from barn Hart s dictionary of etymology a great Book tells us that the word has roots in old icelandic. It came into English about 726 As the name of december. By 1200, in the sense of Christmas it was spelled by 1450 it was the first appearance of yuletide was about 1475. Anyway Here Are books for writer s Christmas a Good desk dictionary comes first. The 10th Edi Tion of the Merriam Webster collegiate dictionary appeared in the Spring. I have found it generally first rate. Some of its usage notes Are Mushy but Overall it s a Good Book. To his credit Webster s editor in chief Frederick Mish disdained the cutesy cutesy entries that so an noyed critics of the random House College diction Ary of 1991. Random House recognized such unrecognizable abominations As wait Ron a person of either sex who Waits on tables and women an alternative spelling of women. Has anyone Ever seen wait Ron in print does any respectable publication use women in place of women i cannot believe House did this just to annoy me and to get its name in the papers. Having said that i have to add that i also us random House every Day and i like it. American heritage published its second Colleg edition in 1982. It s still an excellent Choice. Last year american heritage came Forth with its die of on Ary. That is the name of the work. I have devel oped a great fondness for it. Thinking of dictionaries Laurel Dell just published the 2jit Century misspell or s dictionary. It lists 19,000 common misspellings along with the Cor rect Spellings. Two old friends of the language William satire and Richard Lederer Are Back for the Christmas season. In quoth the maven random House satire gives his fans a new selection of his justly acclaimed columns from the new York times. Lederer offers More anguished English delacorte fresh collection of hilarious fumbles and boo Boos. Satire s Charm wit and erudition Are unbeatable in the Field of linguistic commentary. He is always readable and almost always eminently sound. His continuing defense of the introductory hopefully i indefensible but it s the yuletide. Of Bill and sin no More. Let me put in a plug for Jefferson Bates. Acropolis has just published his sixth edition of writing with precision a practical guide to syntax and usage that will Benefit writers of every age and experience. It s in a class with William Zinsser s 1985 work on writing Well which says a Good plug also for professor James Mccawley of the University of Chicago. A linguist with a Fine sense of humor he has just produced everything that tin guests have always wanted to know about logic but were ashamed to ask. The Best Book of All for a Lover of the writing Art instill the elements of style by . White and Wil Liam Strunk or. Macmillan. In his pan of the Book White says More in 19 pages than other instructors have said in a the risk of immodesty a risk most authors take recklessly i cheerfully commend my own new Book Fine print reflections on the writing Art an Drew & Mcmeel. The Book is based on my weekly columns of the past 10 years which in turn Are based upon the citations you wonderful readers have Sente. Read in peace in Kiml prot syndic the heavy Bible could use a Light touch Tony Kornheiser As you May know the prestigious publish ing House Simon & schuster has had it share of notoriety lately with a list of titles including Joe Mcginniss the Las brother a Book whose most favourable review needed to be wrapped in toilet paper Rush Limbaugh s laughably egomaniacal see i told you so Howard Stern s go Ilalia Bacchanalia private parts and surely the Winner of the next Nobel prize for literature Beavis and butt head s this boo sucks. Perhaps to atone for All this Simon & schuster has just issued an updated version of the Bible. The publishers printed 100,000 copies which is an awful lot of copies considering you can get the Bible free by stealing it from any hotel room in the country though that sort of puts you at Cross purposes with the Good Book. As a sportswriter i spend a Tot of time in hotel rooms and i used to read the Bible at night until they started showing dirty movies on Spectra vision. I applaud the publication of a new Bible. I won Der though How to sell it. These jays the author has to go out on a Book tour. I can t picture god going on gun Doand sharing a stage with women who marry their hamsters. I can however picture god sort of hovering above Larry King live with Larry saying in that impatient gravely voice of his Buffalo Nyack you re on with the supreme i have the new Bible in my hands now though i am putting it Down because it is 1,258 pages Long an weighs almost 4 pounds. As i look at the Back cover there Are so help me celebrity endorsements including one from William f. Buckley who undoubtedly feels the Bible grew out of Telephone conversations he d had. This new Bible is More or less the same Bible that was arranged and edited by Ernest Sutherland Bates in 1936, although it has been updated by Lodowick Allison. Lodowick could he possibly be. Satan personally i think Simon & schuster Blewit with this edition. I m not going to get into the specifics of whether the Bible is the True word of god. That s for someone else to decide. I m looking at it strictly from a marketing standpoint. How do you move this Book to re Market the Bible first of All you have to Stop calling it the Good Book and you upgrade it to the great Book. No wait. The def Book. Then you need an introduction by downtown Julie Brown. Of include a video with the Bible. A video of god 1 greatest miracles including birth the grand Canyon and slim Jim processed meat Sticks which always stay wet even if they have been at the Exxon station for six years. Next you have to change the names. I know biblical names Are All the rage now but Benjamin Daniel and Rachel Are one thing and Hezekiah ram Sha Beth and Jeh Ziachin Are another. Let s simplify it. Let s Start with Adam and eve two impossibly Fuddy Duddy names. Bette r they should be Cool ice Jam and his Girlfriend crime fighter Jane. Then you have to modernize the language. Here s an actual passage from this new Bible from the Sec Ond Book of the Kings and Elisha the Prophet called one of the children of the prophets and said unto him gird up thy loins arid take this Box of Oil in thine hand and go to Ramoth Gilead and when thou comes thither look out there Jehu the son of Jehoshaphat. The son of Nimshi and go in and make him arise up from amongst his Brethren and carry him to an inner chamber " All this can be said this Way to get dressed and deliver this package to Jethro. Wake him up if you have to. You have to work on the stories. You want a lonesome Dove feel something epic and romantic but accessible too something Ralph Lauren can sell King you re live with the supreme clothes around. Jonah and the whale has great potential for action except no one is named Jonah anymore and no one has been afraid of whales since moby Dick. Bet Ter Jerry. Jerry and the shark and to Jerry cast his chum upon the Waters and whoa i think we re Gonna need a bigger boat nobody is going to believe that Moses parted the red sea with a big stick. You can keep the essence of this Story and spice it up for today s Reader by put Ting to and his Crew in a hovercraft and have Irani an fanatics shooting at them. Take the last supper. A Cool Story. But to sell it now you can t simply describe the meal As just loaves and wine. People want Brand names now. They want upscale. They want to read that the last supper had Olive loaf and Raisin Pumpernickel and brooches and pain de campagne and a delightfully impertinent private Reserve Robert Mondavi Caber net Sauvignon. I m sorry Simon & schuster did not ask my advice before it published. My Bible would not weigh any where near 4 pounds even with the coupons for Taco Bell and Turtle Wax of course its Bible will not offend every decent human being on the face of the Earth. Amen. Titi Washington port Page 24 sunday november 21.1993
