European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 21, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse                                4 fir lawyers keep sinking their Teeth into huge amounts Dave Barry Iam sick and tired of All this  i hear somebody say something gadabout lawyers it makes me want to walk Upland spit in his face thereby causing him to shove me so i can fall Down and file a $17 Mil lion personal injury lawsuit against him. Because i happen to think lawyers Are great. I am darned grateful that i live in a country that has Pound for Pound More lawyers than any other country in the entire world. We need a lot of lawyers to protect All these rights we have As americans including but not limited to the rights to life Liberty the Pursuit of happiness Job Security decent housing affordable health care the capture of happiness a nonsmoking Section a joke free work environment a smoking Sec Tion Cable to a team that makes the playoffs rain free outdoor weddings risk free Bung a jumping warning labels on everything including spiders self esteem and a Choice of Low fat desserts. We have so Many rights that we cannot possibly keep track of them All with our primitive nonlegal minds. This is Why we need All these lawyers out there fighting for us even when we arc not aware of it. A Fine example of this brought to my attention by Alert Reader Leon Rothman is the Case of the Den Ture adhesive menace As reported in a Miami her Ald Story by Bruce Taylor Seeman. To Case you missed this Story let me review the facts of the Case from 1985 to 1990, a company named Smithlin Beecham manufactured denture adhesive sold under the names or fix special and  Smith Kline recalled these products in 1990 after they were found to contain Trace amounts of Ben Zene a Carcinogen. Smith Kline contends that the products were not harmful. There is no evidence anybody got cancer from using them. Then a retired Philadelphia Auto supp is dealer named Meyer Duboff who used Smith Kline denture products contacted his lawyer Jay Cohen. He called me and said i be been using this stuff for years. Can you Check it out " Cohen told the Miami Herald. Of is everybody following this so far one Guy has called his lawyer. This Guy does not have cancer. Nobody has cancer. Nobody is claiming anybody actually got Hurt. So the lawyer told the Guy gosh Meyer nothing really happened. Why Don t you just forget about it. No just kidding that might happen in some backward under lawyer de nation like Japan but not Here in the . What happened Here was that Cohen and other lawyers filed a class action lawsuit against Smith Kline on behalf of Duboff and All the other denture adhesive users out there who because of a tragic Lack of Legal representation had not yet noticed that they were victims. And Smith Kline to avoid the hassle and publicity and Legal expense of a trial settled out of  groups got Money in the settlement 1. Or. Duboff. He got $25,000. Fair enough. It was his idea in the first place. 2. The other denture adhesive Vic Tims. They were notified of their victim Hood via newspaper advertisements and direct mailings paid for by Smith Kline. About 650 people sent in proof that they had purchased or fix special or Brace each of these people received $7. Another 2,800 peo ple who did not have proof of Purchase filled but forms certifying that they had purchased at least one tube of either product each of these people received a package of discount coupons for Smith Kline products. " .__3 the lawyers forthe plaintiff. If you Are a fan of Justice american style you will be very excited when i Tell you what the lawyers got in expenses and Legal fees. They got $954,934.57. It s a lot of Money said Cohen. But there s also a lot of Money that goes into these  i am sure there is a lot of Money also a lot of work it cannot be easy taking a Case wherein it appears to the naked untrained Layperson Eye that no body has suffered any observable harm and usin Legal skills turning it into a financial transaction that involves thousands of people and a million dollars plus coupons so the lawyers certainly deserved this Money Al though i m certain that for them the really important thing was simply the satisfaction of knowing that All those victims Are now finally Able at Long last tout this horrible denture adhesive Nightmare behind them and begin leading happier lives possibly by applying their $7 settlements toward world cruises vacation Homes Etc. Yes we owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to these lawyers and the estimated 14.2 billion other members of the american Legal Community Many of whom i am sure will write to me on their official Letterhead stationery to respond to this column. I look Forward to Reading these letters. I just Hope that in handling them i do not suffer paper cuts which could cause me As a writer to become incapacitated not to mention pain and suffering. And i m not settling for any stinking coupons. By Vuk o Tell w finitely Page 28 sunday november 21.1993