European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 24, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Odds & ends miss manners Judith Martin dear miss manners i am a teacher at our Church preschool. We have a Large program about400 children aged 3 to 5which is subsidized by our  of the rapid growth of this popular  Gram we Are in need of assistance from the parents of the students. We do not want people to fee forced to help yet we want to communicate the urgency of our need to the children s guardians. Would you help me with the phrasing of such a request gentle readers miss manners appreciates you reluctance to do what is vulgarly known As laying a guilt trip on those parents. She is afraid that shame and embarrassment Are what most people recruiting for Good causes now use on the grounds that other people by implication less conscientious than themselves will not otherwise bestir  miss manners cherishes the notion that you can treat grown ups As adults. She therefore suggests putting the problem squarely before them the program is overburdened and cannot successfully continue without Volunteer assistance. If you acknowledge that parents Are seriously overburdened themselves you will be asking them to use their judgment to Deal with a crisis you ail share rather than nudging them to do something that the have reasonable excuses to avoid. Dear miss manners i coordinated a Farewell luncheon with a co worker for another co worker who is very close to her. To help her because she was Busy with a lot of work i collected the Money purchased the gift and assisted in organizing the luncheon. She did not show any appreciation for this help and when i asked she became angry and said that she was stressed out and did not want to express a  i wanted to hear was thank you. I appreciate what you have  final Straw came when i did not attend a birthday luncheon for another co worker because iwas upset that she did not show the slightest appreciation. Since then she has not spoken to me. What did i do wrong did i overreact to her sensitivity what can i do to resume the Friendship gentle Reader Friendship what Friendship it seems to miss manners that what you have is an etiquette standoff. C 1994, canoeists 4 writers Syndicate it is of course rude not to express thanks for a favor. But it is also rude to request thanks for a Favoron has done rude to air a grievance by boycotting an event involving a third party and rude to air grievance by refusing to  someone. You can Point out that the first lapse was hers with the others following from it. And she might make the Case that office parties Are not her responsibility alone so you were doing no More than your duty. So since you ask yes everybody is wrong an overreacting except miss manners for going to pieces Over the claim that being either stressed or ignored justifies a rude retaliation. But blessedly that is not your Only question. Miss manners admires you for that final question about what you can do to make things right. The answer is do not attempt to sort through the rights and wrongs. Simply say something Nice an Friendly As if nothing had Ever happened and if your colleague brings up the past offer your own apology without asking for hers and drop it. If people were More concerned with being reconciled than with being right the world would be a bet Ter  -.?. " Vav dear miss manners what is the proper Wayto ask a relative to pass Down a piece of family jewel my grandmother has always said that if i want something i should Tell her. I asked for and received for my High school graduation her four Page Gold locket. My Boyfriend and i Are contemplating engagement later this year. I would very much like to have my great grandmother s engagement ring As my engagement ring. I regard this request in a different Light from that of the locket. My grandmother still wears her Mother s ring. Should i write to her or discuss it in person my entire family will be together in August to celebrate my parents 30th wedding anniversary. I do not want to steal the show from them by discussing my engagement. ". Gentle Reader although miss manners believes that your engagement will be a topic of Delight to your relatives enhancing rather than overshadow ing your parents anniversary party she is glad that you Are proceeding cautiously. The Art you need Here is called  you would t say that s the ring i want Granny take it  but you May say something along the lines of Jeremiah asked me about an engagement ring which is very dear of him but truthfully nothing that he can go out and buy would mean As much to me Asa family ring. I be always loved the Way you Wear your Mother s ring.". United feature Syndicate ".  incorrect address your etiquette questions in Black or Blue Black Ink on White writing paper to miss manners . Box 91428, Cleveland Ohio 44101-3428. The Quill shortage prevents miss Man ners from answering questions except through this column. I