European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 24, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Voices that screaming Over crime comes from Safe areas Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in hey be been doing these surveys on crime everybody s no. 1 Bitch topic and they found out something very interesting the people who Are most afraid of crime live in places where there s no crime. ,. The people who Are not afraid of crime live in the most Likely to be murdered capitals of America. Do you get this i Don t get this they found out that people in affluent Kansas City suburbs and cutesy pie Orange county neighbourhoods and trendy Tampa condos Are spending billions of dollars a year on private Security. In a lot of these places the Bud get for private Security guards is larger than the Bud get for the local police department. And these Are places where they have a murder about once every 97 years. They have burglaries kids ripping off stereos stuff like that but if somebody gets Mur dered he usually gets killed by somebody they re married to around 4 in the morning after that ninth Jack Daniels and Coke. Also if you study which congressmen Are the get Tough on crime Guys it s the Guys who live in the Saf est neighbourhoods. Meanwhile Guys Are bopping around the South Bronx and South Central Al Lay and the South Side of Chicago and South Dallas Why Are these places always in the South who Don give a hip about crime. You ask pm on a Survey what do you want the government to do about your neighbourhood and they say put some Golding jobs in fighting crime adding police adding Security this stuff ranks about 347th on their list of priorities. Another interesting result people who have never been the victim of a crime Are often the most terrified of criminals. Maybe this Means they be bought so Many locks for their apart ment door that they be avoided criminals All their lives i Don t know. But my question is this if half the country is living in places where the crime rate is Low and yet they Wanna pass tougher Laws and the other half is living in places where the crime rate is Highland they Don t give a flip Why Don t we just have Emall change paces then the people who a ant to worry would have something real to worry about and the ones who Don t Wanna worry won t get killed this year. This would work right no charge. Speaking of effective crime fighting techniques Chuck Norris is Back As a Chicago cop who likes to enforce the Law by threatening to kill drug dealers until they reveal their supplier. Chuck and his Wise cracking Black partner Calvin Levels get sent to is Rael to apprehend a 700-year-old Demon who s going All Over the world killing holy men so he can re assemble the ancient Crown of the scepter of Prosa Tanos Don t ask and then sacrifice an airhead Bimbo so he can open the Gates to hell. Sheree Wilson a graduate of the Ethan Allen school of acting Moons around the fringes of the plot Long enough to be strapped to a Concrete slab by the Demon but before the satanic priest can plunge the Dagger into her heart big Chuck sails into the room and uses Kung fun on him. The Devil is ready. He has a whole army of hooded Kung fun monks. At this Point i have a question since bullets have never worked on any Devil or Chuck Norris has a Devil of a time in hellhound. Demon in any movie in history Why in Heck do they think Kung fun would work it s not working Chuck. Sorry. Nineteen dead bodies two breasts. Attempted baby sacrifice. Arm through the Chest. Crossbow through the heart. Heart ripping. Hooker thrown out of a fifth Story window. Metal Spike impalement. Gratuitous ancient legend. Five Kung fun scenes drive in Academy award nominations for Levels As the smart Mouth sidekick for looking out the win Dow of their israeli hotel room seeing the local mar Ket and saying we re in the Middle of a Damn Swap meet and Wilson As the furniture love inter est you notice How Chuck never even kisses the love interest for getting offered up for demonic Sacri fice while spread Eagle on a Rock and for saying that which he covets will prove to be his demise two and a half stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe Bob s advice to the hopeless fascist Alert the Fremont drive in in Fremont Ohio has been closed permanently. Reason the local police disapproved of the unruly behaviour there and called it a Haven for underage drinking. Altogether now Terry Maher of Stow and Michelle Destatte of Fremont remind us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Joebob there Ain t no drive ins in Central Iowa. This sucks but we do have Tom and Roseanne Arnold. Maybe they could show a movie on their asses spy Dee longer Marion Iowa dear spy Dee they Don t make movies in cinemascope any more., say it Ain t so Joe Bob Tell me you were kidnapped by the communists and the get a Hooker article with nary a mention of the real peril involved was some scum sucking communist plot to pollute american boys with aids not the work of America s pre eminent moral philosopher , Leonard Redwood City , i Don t know How things Are out there in califor Nia but in Texas we Don t have anybody who s not carrying condoms. We have condoms available at Chuck e. Cheese. There has t been a Hooker who does t require a condom in at least 10 years. I m sorry i have to explain these things to you Guys. Creators Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob or to got Troe junk in the mail and a copy of the world famous newsletter the Joe Bob report write to Joe Bob Briggs. . Box 2002, Dallas Texas 75221. Joe Bob s fax line is always open 214 368-2310. Insurance is the Healthiest Way Linda Ellerbee j his is a Story about Pepsico and health care but it does t begin there. One Day two weeks ago a Man came to speak to the people at our company. It was for me an exciting Day. My partner and i had started this television production company nearly seven years ago. We had begun it with our savings and our Hopes. We had both quit salaried jobs to do this. We had done so because we believed that Good television could be produced working out Side the three traditional broadcast networks that with the Advent of so Many Cable networks and an even brighter future ahead on what we did not yet know to Call the information superhighway there would be plenty of work for a Small company dedicated to Quality. Some people laughed at us. As bad Fortune would have it some of those people were Bankers. Another was my agent. Others were friends and colleagues who could t believe we would give up really big Sal Aries to try something they considered unlikely if not impossible and probably stupid too. In the beginning it appeared everybody was right. But then we got the Opportunity to produce one pro Gram and soon after that another program. Our pro Grams began to win awards and All at once we were like arcs Aurant when we had been an empty restaurant no one wanted to come in and eat but now that they could see others eating and enjoying them selves lots of people wanted to eat at our place. We grew until we had around 20 full time employees. We did not get Rich. We did t even come near. But we made enough to keep going and to keep producing work we were proud to put our names on. Now Cut to one Day two weeks ago when the Man came to our office to explain our new health care plan. s right. We Are a Small business and we have opted to put in a health care plan for our employees for the simple reason that it is the right thing to do. Two years ago i got cancer. I Don t know what would have happened to me if i had t had health insurance. It is also Good business even if we do make less Money because of the costs of a health care plan and frankly we need t wait for the government to Tell us we have to do this but Lucky Duck productions in t Pepsico. Three weeks ago in Dallas representatives from America airlines and Pepsico debated employer mandates the proposal to require employers to pay most of the Cost of their workers health insurance. David Sherb the representative from Pepsico argued against employer mandates. Mandates arc hardest on companies in poor financial condition. What s fair about that i m tired of these big Guys saying the reason they re against employee mandated health care is because it s unfair to poorly run companies or that it s going to Hurt us Little Guys. It is going to Hurt some of us and if my own company s business were Cut in half next year paying for health care would cause ours to be a hurting company but let us speak some truth Here. It s your company and your Money you re worried about Pepsico not mine. When it comes to profit How much is enough and so it goes. King features Syndicate april 24,1994 sunday Page 21
