European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 1, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                East laugh customer service Dave Barryjr woday s consumer topic is How a to resolve a dispute with a Large company. I. If you re a typical consumer a defined _ As a a consumer whose mail consists mainly of offers for credit cards that he or she already has a chances arc sooner or later you re going to have a dispute with a Large company. You re going to Call the company up and you re going to wind up speaking with people in a department with a Friendly name such As customer service these pc pie hate you. I done to mean they hate you person ally. They hate the Public in general because the Public is forever calling them up to complain i know whereof i speak. I used to be a i am not proud of this a a newspaper editor. This was at a. Paper in West Chester pa., called a i am not proud of this either a the a daily local  we came out daily and we specialized in local news. For example if Richard Nixon resigned the Percsi Dency wed Send reporters out to the shopping mall to Badger not Dolly selected shoppers into having an opinion about this and our big headline would be local residents react to Nixon resignation. As though they really were reacting to it As opposed to trying to find the right color bedsheets. This is basically How we handled All hews local residents react to discovery that clams mate for life so one Spring  made the editorial decision to put a photograph of some local ducks on the front Page. At least i thought they were ducks and that so. What i called them in the caption but it turns out. That they were geese. I know this because a whole lot of irate members of the Public called to Tell me. So a. They never called about say the Quality of the schools but they were Rabid about the Duck is. Goose Issue. It w As air ribs As bad As when we left out the Horoscope. \ a i tried explaining to the callers that hey basically a Goose is just a big Duck but this did not placate them. Some of them demanded that we publish a correction for whom the gees and by the end of the Day i was convinced that the Public consisted entirely of raging idiots this is the fundamental in deriving Assumption of journalism a a this is w a t people who ans we r the phone at for. Example the electric company go through every Day. I done to mean that they get Calls about incorrectly. Captioned Goose photographs although this would not Surprise me. I mean that they get an endless Stream of Calls from people who Are furious that their electricity got turned off just because they. Failed to  their Bill for 297 straight months or people asking questions like is it of to operate a microwave oven in the Bathtub a. So lets say that you have a genuine problem with you r a c it Ric by 11. The people i n cd stome r s ervice have no Way of knowing that you re an intelligent a Tonui person. ,. They re going to Lump you in with the whining no rocket scientist Public. As far As they re con corned the relevant facts in  Between you and them Are these 1. They have a Bunch of electricity. 2. You need it. 3. So shut up. A. This is Why More and More the people in customer service wont Ekin talk to you. They prefer to let you interface with the convenient automated answering system until such time As you die of old age a a. If your first name has More than eight letters and your last name begins with h through l press 251 no w. If your first name has less than eight letters and your last name contains at least Twoey a press 252 now if your.�?�. So is there any Way that you the lowly consumer can gain the serious attention of a Large and Power Fui business i am pleased to report that there is a Way which i found out about thanks to Alert Reader. Jim Ganz who sent me an associated press news report from russia., a according to this report a russian electric company got into a Billing dispute with a customer and Cut off the customers electricity. This customer. However happened to be a russian army Arsenal. So the commander ordered a tank to drive Over to the. Electric company a office and aim its gun at the windows. The electricity was turned right Back on. On behalf of Consumers everywhere i want to kiss this Arsenal commander on the lips 1 mean what a great concept. Imagine As a consumer How much More seriously your complaint would be taken i you were complaining from inside an armoured be hide capable of reducing the entire customer service department to tiny smoking shards. What i am saying is forget the automated answering system. A get a tank. A a a a a a a a a. Perhaps you Are thinking a but a tank costs several million dollars not including floor Mats. I done to have that kind of Money a done to be silly you re a consumer right you have credit cards right. A perhaps you Are thinking Quot yes but How am i going to  the credit card company a done to be silly. You have a tank right a a a a Miami Heralda a. V. Page 32 Sunda May 1, 1994 r