European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 24, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last. Laugh out Over a tour Dave Barry to a Early in june and in a silting in a Small brightly lit room m new York City facing a to camera grinning enthusiastically and having a conversation with Perky voices in my ear. In a doing what a called a a satellite Media tour to promote a Bock. For three straight hours in be been talking to Perky to news teams All Over the country one after another for about five min uts apiece. The Only person in the room with me is Gary the cameraman. I can to see the news teams i can Only hear them via an earpiece. They All tend to ask the same questions so in be been saying the same things Over and Over and Over. A so Dave a a Perky news voice is saying. A Tell us about the Squirrel  woman a toilet Quot the news teams love this Story. Gary the cameraman winces. He has heard the toilet Squirrel Story about 29 times today. ,. A thu has i say to the camera As though i am delighted to be telling this Story yet again w whereas in fact i would rather be undergoing Vasectomy via lire Iron. But i plunge ahead because it is my Job As an author to get my Book mentioned on the to news. Its not easy. In a getting stiff Competition for air time from the flesh rating bacteria which is the big Story this week. The news teams arc crazy about this Story and arc showing horrible scary color Pic turns of it every two minutes. A a Here a a satellite weather photograph and speaking of photographs Here a the flesh eating bacteria again a i am a called by the amount of attention they re giving this. I mean its not As though the flesh eating bacteria wrote a Book. I finish talking to the current news team and immediately i hear a new on in my ear. A Dave Quot a Perky voice says. A a what a the Deal with these toilet squirrels a Gary the cameraman slumps i think even the camera is slumping. A Cha has i say and plunge ahead. A a. A a a. A a a a a its several Days and several cities later and in a. In Milwaukee being interviewed on a to show about books. The Host is trying to ask me a question that begins a when did you first Start Quot but he messes up arid combines the beginning of a a first and the end of a Start Quot into one word so that his question comes out a when did you comical bathroom word a he says this very clearly. He tries to be Cool and act As though nothing has happened i help him out by shouting a what what did you say a he a still trying to gloss Over it and get on with the interview but now he a starting to Giggle a problem that Only gets worse when his Wristwatch suddenly and mysteriously As though possessed by demons Springs off of his wrist and platters noisily across the table. Now Wco re laughing so hard that juice is running out of our noses. Literature its my life. A a a a a a a at the same to station in Milwaukee i see a stage set for a show called Beer time. Nobody i talk to at the station knows what the format of this show is. I like to think its something like this Host Bob How about a Nice cold one co Host sounds Good Chuck. They drink Beer for five minutes Host hey i could go for another one of those. Co Host burp a a a now in a in Denver and in Mon a to talk show with a country and Western band from Jaget ready a Singapore. They re promoting their new record you caned the buttocks of my heart. No in a kidding about the song title but i swear the band is real. They re called Matthew and the mandarins and they be just arrived in the United states on a tour to promote Goodwill for Singapore. They do a pretty Good version of Margarita Vilc it but publicity Wise in a wondering How Well  do Here going head to head with big names such As barbra Streisand and the flesh eating bacteria. A a a a now in a sitting in a to studio in Portland ore., waiting to go on a to talk show. The other guests arc Allen Ginsberg the famous poet and Charlotte a dog employed by the local fire department to sniff out gasoline and other chemicals used in arson. A a where Sallen Ginsberg a i ask somebody a there a says a Little old Man who has been sitting right next to me for 10 minutes. A Cha a Quot i remark suavely. Or. Dor head. Ginsberg who is on a Book tour announces that he is very tired then lies Down on the studio floor and goes to sleep. Charlotte the arson dog on the other hand is energetic bounding around the studio deliriously Happy to meet people. She is not on a Book tour. At this Point the shows hostess her hair and makeup perfect walks up to meet the guests. A Chi a she says. /. A. A Charlotte Bounds Over and without hesitation Sticks her snout Way up under the hostess skirt As though looking for an important arson due. A a a a now in a Home All done with the Book tour. I done to talk much these Days. Mainly i sleep. In be been having these dreams but in a sure they re Normal. You be had them too right the ones with the flesh eating toilet squirrels Miami Herald. Page 24 sunday july 24. 1994