European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 4, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse To a Hong Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in to Isten up Hon. I whoops i called you Aon i i do this a lot. I say Quot Hong so much to women that i probably qualify for some kind of Warence a Thomas scholarship to Bob Roberts University. Actually i have to say in be never had a single woman get mad at me for Callin her a Hon a and in be. Said it to thousands a v what a the Deal Here i have at least 37 lawsuits filed against me by now Tat least get sent to Vassar sensitivity training or something How can i say a a Hong with impunity now i admit in be never tried it out on a 300-Pound lesbian bodybuilder but if i Ever met a 300-Pound lesbian bodybuilder i m sure that at some Pointon the conversation i Wpm Call her i can to help it. In be done it All my life. Its a family thing. Its a Texas thing. In be never been around people who did t Call one another but its one of those words that a being phased out. By the time in a 70, there will be people who will be absolutely appalled that i still say i mean there Are people who Are appalled now but they re not numerous enough yet. When in a 70, ill be an. what a wrong with this county its All those old Guys who still say the closest i Ever got to real trouble is one time when i called Linda Blair a a Hong on to. She acted a Little surprised then called me a a Hong right Backi think the whole a a Hong thing is overrated myself. A a Hong is not a putdown Hon. A a Hong is an american tradition of saying to a woman a i like you. You re like you say a a buds when you talk to a Guy. Am i the Only person who knows these things this one i am not give no up. The Only person i wont be calling a a Hong is an actress i sometimes work with. And the Only reason i done to Call her a a Hong is that her name. Is Honey. After All she might get offended. She might think i was shortening her name. V speaking of women you done to Wanna mess with Meg Foster is Back she of the cold Green eyes and the attitude scariest woman in the movies this time in resort to kill How Many movies has she made where she controls an army on a Remote Island where she a plotting to take Over the world this time its the old Story of the ancient mayan secret of chasing men through the Woods until an incredible amount of adrenaline is shooting through their bodies killing them injecting them with cortisone and stuffing a Plant Down their throats and turning them into in billable warriors. By the time the movie starts Meg has gathered up an army of these mayan steroid monsters but what she does no to count on is Rowdy Roddy Piper and doing body slams on Mem. In be said this before and i la say it again but Piper is the Only sex wrestler who can actually act a As Hulk Hogan has proven time after time a and this time he plays a cop who of teams up with a grief stricken japanese Samurai patrolman who accidentally shot his wife to death but lived to fire again and once he gets to Meg Fosters Island he teams up with fearless reporter Kim Morgan Greene who wears a lot of expensive Short skirts and stands around the Jungle while stuff blows up. Unfortunately Meg has captured the most Noto the dreaded jumping Over dead bodies and flying at the Moon Competition just one of the thrilling martial arts contests in resort to kith a rious serial killer in history killed him shot him up with mayan steroids and turned him Loose. Fortunately he looks like a wrestler. Yes. That a right. The final scene is just like Wres Flemania i but with a lot More full body implements and exploding character actors. Thirty dead bodies. Two breasts. Neck snapping. Killer Chippendale dancer. Head butting. Throwing stars to the forehead. Dart to the head. Throat ripping. Framing mayan its not a cocktail. Fifteen Kung fun scenes. Drive in Academy award nominations for Foster As the cold blooded mad Arche Logist for saying a when i close my eyes All men Are the same a Piper As the goofball cop for saying a there is no jurisdiction when it comes to a killer captains and Greene As the frigid reporter for saying a in the future id appreciate you staying put of my business Woon As the ultimate mayan Kung fun filler for being named Woon and Sonny Chiba As the japanese Samurai cop for speaking no English but not letting that Stop him from doing Long scenes of English dialogue including the line a i love you but i am a stars. _ _ _ _ Joe Bob says Check it bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over creeping Retro communism the starlite drive in in Neligh neb., remains in business despite a new York times article implying that its Days Are numbered and there a no Way it can hold _ out. Don Johnson the owner has held prices to four Bucks for a double feature and Popcorn is still 75 cents and there Are Only 1,742 people living in the town a so that sounds like a Good businessman. George Kaywood of Omaha reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Plowdy Joe out and purchased on your unprecedented 61-�?Tstar recommendation the Cindy Crawford workout video. Suddenly Between the squat. Thrusts in a hearing Roky Erickson the drive in Hor. Ror movie King of Rock v Roll saying a the War of the worlds has started the martians have landed a and then the band primal scream launches into the thirteenth floor elevator classic slip inside this does no to even miss a beat can this possibly be is it just a Fluke on my tape Jack Ortman Larkspur Calif. Dear Jack a Cindy obviously got your endorphins working overtime. You see what i mean creators Syndicate to discuss the meaning o Lite with Joe Bob or to get tree junk in the mail and Joa bobs newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs . Sox 2002, Dallas Texas 75221. Joe Bob s lax line is always open 214-368-2310, or you can message him on Compuserve .76702,1435. Re i Maui Jiou in trying to live longer Linda Ellerbee he a a twit who worked for a Magazine and she wants to know exactly what i do to exercise. And Why. Excuse me i want to say but do i look to you like a woman who exercises i am. Really but i done to think my body reflects her vision of a the woman who As for Why i exercise i do it a not to get Skinny although that would be Nice but because i want to live longer and live healthier. In fact i expect to. According to our government americans already arc living longer than Ever achieving an average lifespan of 75,5 years. White woman now have the longest life expectancy 79.6 years followed by Black woman at 73.8 years White men at 72.9 years and Black males at 64.3 years. The centers for disease control and prevention whence these statistics come did not give reasons for the increase in life expectancy. It did however Point out that deaths from heart disease have been to dining since the �?T50s, and that deaths from Nucci dents stroke pneumonia influenza suicide liver disease and cirrhosis had also decreased the 15 leading causes of death a in order a Are Chati Wjk ease cancer stroke chronic obstructive Pulm Mary disease accidents pneumonia influenza Diak is aids suicide homicide liver disease and Cin , nephritis septicaemia atherosclerosis and birth tic facts the cd also did not come out and say exc Crisc will make you live longer but a Jot of other people Are saying it and i am prepared to believe them. I still remember what happened to my Tother. After my father died my Mother was depressed. She had been a Busy women. Now she slowed Down. She stopped travelling. First she stopped going on Long trips. Then she stopped going on Short trips next she stopped going to see her friends across town. Before Long she gave up visiting friends who lived close by. Then she stopped leaving the House. Finally she unless pushed leave her rocking chair. It will come As no Surprise to you that soon she had a stroke and then another one and another one and then my Mother was paralysed and could not move at All. And then she died. _ at the time i believed with Alj my heart that my Mother s death was unnecessary that she could have lived longer a if Only shed kept moving. Now there is Nuch research to support that no Tion. Or. Ralph Paffenbarger of the Stanford University school of Medicine after reviewing More than 40 years of such studies has declared thai the facts Are Clear a Little Effort can indeed prevent disease and Ward off Early death. So i say to the twit from the Magazine that yes 1 do exercise and no i done to have any secret program i try to ride a Bike for an hour three times a v. Cock 1 walk Miles i do sit ups and i press my flabby Middle aged body against powerful machines at the gym and i sure do wish this exertion showed More than it does but that too is life at 50. I keep reminding myself that in a not in training for miss America or the olympics. I m in training for life at 90. If the exercise does no to kill me first. And so it goes. A King features Syndicate september 4, 1994 sunday Page 21
