European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 4, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                School Days bring read i n a writing and comets Dave Barry Athur a round Young people because it s. Back to school time and Uncle Dave i it wants to give you important advice to help you Excel in the classroom and have successful rewarding careers assuming that Earth is not destroyed by giant Comet chunks. This is definitely a possibility. Just recently giant Comet chunks whooped into Jupiter and caused destruction so massive that it would have wiped out ail human life if there had been any which there probably Wasny to because the atmosphere on Jupiter has essentially the same chemical composition As drano. Of course the astronomy Community carried on As though the mass destruction on Jupiter was just about the coolest scientific thing to happen since the invention of the pocket protector. Every night you a see astronomers in the to news holding up blurred photographs of what appealed to be a pizza pointing to a roundish smudge that appeared to be a Pep Croni and announcing in Happy voices that it was the equivalent of 19 Hillion jillion atomic bombs. They claim we done to have to worry. They claim that the mathematical Odds of a Large Comet chunk hitting Earth in our lifetimes Are infinitesimal even smaller a if such a thing is possible a than the Odds of the Buffalo Bills winning a super bowl. But whenever we hear the astronomy Community making claims two words should Spring into our minds a Comet  Back in 1973, the astronomy Community claimed that Comet Kohoutek was going to pass close to the Earth and produce this spectacular celestial phenomenon so b in and Bright you a be Able to see it even in the daytime. People were afraid to go outside for fear they would suffer Comet bums. And what happened nothing. All Over the world millions of people spent hours squinting at the sky pointing excitedly at air planes Moths Beer signs smudges on their binocular lenses Etc. But ultimately they had to accept the ugly truth there was no Comet Kohoutek. Of sure the astronomy Community desperate to save face produced some blurred photographs of a a Comet Quot but it turned out upon close inspection to be a human sperm Cetl magnified 400,000 times. We now believe it belonged to Carl Sagan. My Point is that if the astronomy Community claims we re not going to get hit by giant Comet chunks then we probably Are. The result would be mass destruction on the most horrendous scale Ever seen in the history of this planet causing famine disease death and a in the United states alone a literally millions of per sonata injury lawsuits. This would Lead to a major Boom in the Legal profession a career Field Uncle Dave feels you Young people should definitely be considering As you head Back to school. Even in the unlikely event Earth is not hit by giant Comet chunks experts believe the Legal Field will continue to grow rapidly As More and More americans realize the practical benefits of suing everybody about everything including Dandruff. This column alone will generate hundreds of. New jobs in the Legal Field As a result of lawsuits filed by representatives of drano the Buffalo Bills the Kohoutek family and Carl Sagan. V. So the economic future looks Bright Young peo pie. But no matter what career Field you ultimately choose to enter you re not going to get very far if Yon have a stupid haircut. Uncle Dave is especially concerned about a hairstyle that is showing up More and More often on Young males. Its the one where the sides and Back of the head Are shaved completely naked while the hair on top is grown really Long and pulled straight Back into a Ponytail. Young people this haircut looks even stupider than the one where you shave words into the Side of your head. This haircut does no to even look As if its an organic part of your body. It looks like a Small wet dead Raccoon perched on top of a Bald head. You Young people cannot seriously expect to get a High paying Long term growth potential Job such As business magnate or member of the of. Simpson defense Complex if you go around looking like Davy Crockett with a Scalp disorder. Of course you probably done to even know who. Davy Crockett was. It is indeed a sad commentary on our state of educational preparedness when so Many Young people do not recognize the name of the author of our Constitution. That is Why As we begin the school year Uncle Dave is urging you to knuckle. Down and work hard in All your classes unless they re difficult of involve anything clearly useless such As the a Cosine a you must prepare yourselves Young people because Uncle Dave a generation is getting old. V. Quot \ / a a v. A. A we Are almost ready to go to the retirement Home to spend the rest of our Days tapping our Bedpan rhythmically in time to a easy listening Rock a no Roll. We must pass the Torch on to you and you must grasp it ideally by the end that is not on fire a a Miami Herald a. Him i evil so Page 28 sunday september 4, 1994