European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 03, 1995, Darmstadt, Hesse Just a few age old concerns about growing old Gall me a wild and crazy Guy if you want but recently on a whim i decided to Whynot turn 48.it s not so bad. Physically the Only serious problem i be noticed is that i can no longer read anything printed in letters smaller than Shaquille o Neal. Also to read a document i have to hold it far from my face More and More i find myself holding documents this is awkward on air planes with my feet i can no longer read restaurant menus so i fake it when the waiter corns around me pointing randomly i la have this waiter you la have your Napkin me i want that medium rare. It s gotten so bad that i can t even read the words i m typing into my computer right now. If my fingers were in a Frankish mood they could Type an embarrassing message right in the Middle of this sentence he s always putting us in his nose and there is no Way i d be Able to Tell. I suppose i should go Sec an Eye doctor but if you re 48, whenever you go to see any kind of doctor he or she invariably decides to insert a lengthy medi Cal item into your body until the far end of it reaches a different area code. Also i am frankly fearful that the Eye doctor will want me to Wear Reading glasses. I have a psychological hang up about this caused by. The fact that growing up i wore eyeglasses for 70,000 years. And these were not just any eyeglasses these were the Al Dork of Model the ones that come from the factory pre broken with the White tape already wrapped around the nose part. As an adolescent i was convinced that my glasses were one of the key reasons Why the opposition sex did not find me attractive the other key reason being that i did not reach puberty until approximately age 35. Anyway other than being functionally Blind at 1 close Range i remain in Superb physical condition for a Man of my age who can no longer fit into any of his pants. I have definitely been gaining some weight in the Midriff Region despite a rigorous diet regimen of drinking absolutely no Beer whatsoever after i pass \. Out. The Only lower body garments i own that still fit me comfortably Are towels which i find myself Wear ing in More and More social settings. I m thinking of getting a Black one for funerals. Because of my Midriff situation .1 was very pleased to read recently about the new Miracle breakthrough weight loss plan for mice. In Case you missed this what happened was scientists extracted a certain chemical ingredient found in thin mice then injected it into fat mice the fat mice lost 90 percent More weight than a control group of fat mice who were cd posed Only to Richard Simmons. The Good news is that this same ingredient could produce dramatic weight loss in human beings the bad news is that be fore it becomes available it must be approved by the food and drug administration motto we Haven t even approved our motto yet. So it s going to take a while. If you re overweight and desperate to try this Miracle ingredient right away my advice to you. As a medical professional is to get hold of a thin mouse and cat it. It can t be any worse than Tofu. But getting Back to aging aside from the vision thing and the weight thing and the need to take an afternoon Nap after i Wake up and the fact that random hairs i m talking about Long hairs the kind normally associated with Cherr occasionally erupt from deep inside my cars aside from these minor problems Lam a Superb phys ical specimen easily mistaken for Brad Pitt. Not Only that but i have the mind of a steel trap. Of course very few things in the world and i in clude the Home shopping network Ruthis statement Are As stupid As a steel trap. What i m saying is i have definitely detected a decline in some of my men Tal facilities. For example the other Day i was in my office trying to perform a fundamental journalistic function namely fill out an expense report and i needed to Divide 3 into a number that if i recall correctly which i Don s the problem was $125.85, and i could t remember How to do Long division. J knew i was supposed to put the 3 into the 12, then bring something Down but what and How far Down and would i need the Cosine i was starting to panic when All of a sudden this is Why you should pay attention in math class my old training came Back to me and i knew exactly what to do ask Doris. Doris works in my of fice and she has a calculator. I guess Start carrying one around along with some kind of device that remembers a people s names b where i put the Remote control and c what i had planned to do once i got into the Kitchen other than stand around wearing a vacant expression normally associated with fish. " / but so what if my memory in t what it used to be my other mental skills Are As Sharp As Ever and i confident that i can continue to do the kind of astute analysis and in depth research that have characterized this column Over the years which is Why today i want to assure you the readers that my advancing age will in no Way change the fact that mainly he. Scratches himself. Miami 24 sunday september 3, 1995
