European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 14, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns haywire photo by Tony Nau Rolli would Jonah or pinocchio have blubbered by John Windrow stall column ii Whai will they do for fun in California now that Humphrey the wayward whale has gone Back into the deep when the 45-ton Humpback wandered into the Sacramento River and headed East whale enthusiasts came running to get him Back where he belonged. It took three weeks involved a Fleet of vessels and hordes of folks and Cost about $80,000. The newspapers had a wonderful time. Whales like pandas Are objects of great veneration in the newspapers. Why this is so defies explanation. Lust let one of the brutes ditch itself on a Beach somewhere and the world is awash in photos and news copy about the tragedy of it All. Usually this happens on a Day when the russians wipe out several afghan villages multitudes perish in Ethiopia and the u s government announces that it is dead broke. The wallowing whales will be right out there on Page one being pushed Back into the Ocean by a Bunch of desperate whale lovers. It s a Good thing for Francois Mitterrand thai his secret service goons Down in new zealand blew up a Greenpeace ship instead of a whale. The outcry would have rivalled the publicity surrounding the Lindbergh baby kidnapping. Most american newspapers probably would have demanded that we go to War. The Greenpeace bombing since it Only involved humans is pretty much forgotten by now. Why whales i think there s some connection with the Prince of Wales but i can t figure it out. Chuck and i Don t do anything important or interesting neither of them has a Job. They Don t contribute to the advancement of knowledge. But let either of them slip on a banana Peel and the whole world knows about it in seconds. As a matter of fact a pair of whales could be Prince and Princess of Wales. If Chuck and i suddenly appeared in san Francisco Bay and swam up the Sacramento River ignoring everyone s pleas to for god s Sakes be careful and not do any harm to themselves we d sell so Many newspapers All the journalists would be Riding around in Limos pinching chorus girls and sipping Champagne. I m glad the Humphrey Story had a Happy ending. With a change of location it could have been a genuine tragedy. I just thank the gods and Little fishes that Humphrey did t pop up in the Gulf of Mexico steam up the Mississippi and get sighted by my Cousin Stew one. I can see him now standing on he Banks of the Yazoo the Wolf or the Hatchie rubbing his hands with Gleeful anticipation As Humphrey spouted on some Sand bar. Fire up the Barbecue Grill boys St Bone would shout. God has delivered this meaty Critter into our  Stew one believes our fellow animals Are put on this Earth to be eaten preferably with plenty of grease and Barbecue sauce. When i was a lad i had a Pel Raccoon. I fed him until he was As fat As a killing hog. Cousin Stew one used to come by the House to lust after its flesh. He would quote genesis 1 28 to me. How god blessed Man and told him to have Dominion Over the fish of the sea and Over the fowl of the air and Over every living thing that Loveth upon the  that Means boy Cousin Stew one would Tell me that god did t put Coons in this world to ride around on folks shoulders or sit out in the Side Yard like a tomcat. He gave pm to us to  i never let that Coon out of my sight around Cousin Stew one. He would have Humphrey salted Down smoked and stewed by now. It would be so embarrassing for the family. There s no Way we could keep it out of the newspapers. November 14,1985 stripes i Givine