European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 23, 1985, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Monday december 23. 1985 the stars and stripes Page 17 for divorced parents and their kids yuletide can be cold by Bill Lohmann United press International v visions 01 sugarplum  family gathering and other Bright Nayr a  the minds of Ninny americans when they think of Christmas. Out the holidays can be a cold confusing time Tor divorced parents and their children. The Holiday season is really  says pal Leonardi 46. An Ohio Mother who has been divorced or 11 years it can be so  one fact is certain. Leonardi is far from alone there Are More than 3.6 million  households headed by divorced parents 3.174,000 divorced mothers and 596.000 divorced lathers according to a 1984 report by the Bureau of the census. With those steadily rising numbers the Holiday pain of being alone or sharing children with an sex spouse is becoming More widespread in general we re really talking about a More acute awareness on the part of the children and the parents of something that exists All the time the fact the parents Are not  said or. Lois Flaherty a child psychiatrist in Baltimore my. One woman who work with divorced parents said Wilh a laugh and a touch of Fruth that the most simple advice for parents is Best Don t Light be Nice to the children and pay child support so the kids can have  but divorces often result in complicated situations Hal present no simple solutions. The Holiday problems usually revolve around parental Competition As the divorced Mother and father vie for their children s time loyalty and affection. What tends to cause the most trouble is when there s a continuing conflict Between the parents getting played out through the children Flaherty said. The child is going to eel it. Those Are the ones i see the most. For example a child May be asked with whom he or she would like to spend the holidays. That really puts the child on the spot. It s a very difficult kind of  experts advise parents to work out an amicable agreement Lar in Advance of the holidays so children can spend one Holiday with one Parent and the next with the other or spend some time with each Parent Al each Holiday. It s also Best if grandparents keep heir distance so additional pressure is not placed on the parents and the children. Children need stability consistency and a sort of  said Ginny Nuta. A National spokeswoman Lor parents without partners. No matter what kind of Home a child is living in he or she will not do Well in a a father Lalit Over Holiday Plant with Hii two children. Is photo by red of and Home where there s a lot of  Leonardi a Reading teacher in Wickliffe. Ohio says her attitude toward sharing her son with her sex husband has mellowed Over the years. My feelings at first right alter the divorce were. Well. I want Rny kid Lor the whole Holiday Lime " she said. But i Learned i had to be a Little More tolerant and that his dad had a right to be Wilh him. Too you learn Over the years to live with it. Ii in t Worth the hassle to Light Over  Leonardi. A vice president of parents without partners says the key for divorced parents is shedding the Burden of past Holiday traditions that often carry memories that Lead to misery. One of the things i did Lor Mysell was Start new traditions at the holidays because the old ones can be so painful Leonardi said. For instance my son and i heard of a place where you can go and Cut Down your own Christmas tree so we started cutting Down our own Christmas tree each year another thing we do is buy each other a special tree ornament each year. These Are our own special things just for us. It needs to be something the Parent and the kid can look Forward to. It does t necessarily have to be something that costs a lot of Money just something special they do  lavish gift giving considered a form of bribery in some cynical circles presents another problem one Christmas my daughter made up a list of presents she wanted and i got her everything on the  one divorced Mother recalled. My sex husband did. Too. So she got everything  says Flaherty. It gets to be a Way that parents can vie for the child s attention. Many older children learn that very Well and will say it s one of the few benefits they have in that they tend to gel More presents. But when children brag that they get More gilts. I think it s just a coverup Lor feelings of  being a divorced Parent never becomes easy particularly during the holidays but it gets easier. Leonardi said. When my son s Oil with his lather i use the time to catch up on things or visit with friends. I Don t have those awful feelings anymore. Too often divorced parents use that time to vent their anger and frustrations. They just need to learn to make that a Lime Lor themselves. This is old hat for me now. But for the first couple of years it was really rough. I just want parents who Are recently divorced to know thai it s not always going to be the  Erma Bombeck read a Story recently on table manners or Rathe the Lack of them that pointed out How children nowadays Eal like  m not disagreeing with this but i d like to Point out there is probably a reason for it. How Many families perform a ritual that used to be As predictable As a Sunrise called the family dinner hour ii families share that wonderful moment nowadays it s in the car. Therefore what we need Are a new set of rules. Eating in a car can be an adventure in you plan for it. First you must prepare the site. Do this by removing from the car supermarket flyers dry cleaning to be dropped Oil dogs and cats paper cups petrified Trench Fries from previous outings schoolbooks Jack Els ropes chains baseball gloves sweaters and any Ihling else that might contaminate Lood take up valuable dining space or detract from the ambiance. When ordering do not cup your Mouth Over daddy s ear and shout into it. Wait quietly until you Are asked what you want. Follow this with a thank  never order More than you can balance Between your Knees. Remember ice that spills Between your tags Dampens not Only the spirit. Ii by some Chance you receive a Sandwich that is not yours do not spit on it and throw it on the floor. Simply pass it Back to the Driver of the car and Tell him a mistake has been made. Front of the car sealing is belter than Back seats. They have a dashboard for More food and usually two cup holders Lor beverages. However these Are re served for parents having seniority in the family. Any one caught trying to store Lood in the Iron seat can be Hurt real Good. Conversation while dining in a car should be restricted to school happenings future social events and a polite Exchange of non controversial ideas. It is quite improper to carry on a discourse As to what the secret sauce reminds you of. Eat with your Knees together at All times. Unless the car windows Are tinted there should be no physical Exchange Between diners in the Back seat. Remember you Are basically dining on Finger foods. That Means no French Fries Hung from the nose. Very Lew diners will find this amusing. Despite the Lack that facilities for eating in a car Are limited there is no reason Why it should be a my mess. Afterwards each person should to responsible Lor his her trash and should contain it in a bag. Two week old onion rings in the ashtray is Noi a pretty sight. Remember there is another dimension in a car that is not present in Home dining. Mirrors. Look in on your Soll irom time to Limo. Bona Petit 1c lot Anecel i time Syndicate