European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - April 2, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Wednesday april 2, 1986 the stars and stripes Page 17wives, mothers in Law getting along better by Sharon Johnson new York times w Hen Barbara Dolan of chicag wants to invite a Friend to the Ballet she telephones her  is no one i would rather have join me because we have the same interest in the arts said the 34-year-old teacher. Going places with Barbara is one of the great Joys of my life said Mary Dolan a 72-year-old widow. Sociologists and family Counselor say that like the Volans Many wives and their mothers in Law have satisfying relationships. The image of the bad Mother in Law is a myth said Lucy Rose Fischer assistant professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota and author of linked lives adult daughters and their mothers which will be published by Harper & Row in May. Most women today have harmonious relationships with their mothers in Law. They often share the same  experts say that wives and their mothers in Law Are getting along better because couples marry later. The wives Are More Likely to have completed their education and started careers than those in the 1940s and 1950s who were financially and emotionally dependent on their parents. Many of the arguments that wives and mothers in Law used to have were caused by the difficulty Young people had in separating from their parents said or. Herman Eiffel clinical associate professor of psychiatry and behavioural sciences at the University of Southern California school of Medicine. Because the wives had not lived on their own and developed their own values they resented the advice reducing risk of pregnancy for diabetics United press International the decision to become pregnant is always serious but for diabetic women 15 years ago it was often a matter of life and  was a 40 percent fetal mortality rate a significant risk of birth defects in surviving infants and a not inconsiderable risk to the life of the Mother. These were the risks of pregnancy to one in 200 women in the United states. Before the 1970s, there were quite a few doctors who would say that a woman in that situation could not would not and should not try to have a child said or. Jay Skyler of the University of Miami school of Medicine. But Skyler said that is a moot question in 1986." now Skyler and other physicians say insulin dependent diabetic women who carefully Monitor their blood sugar Levels before and throughout their pregnancies can reduce their risks to those experienced by Normal women. It requires a lot of work Skyler says but if they re willing to do that the benefits to them can be enormous. Most of the time they can have healthy  Skyler called recent advances in the care of diabetic pregnancies the Good news medical Story of the  it is perhaps the greatest Advance in the treatment of diabetes since the widespread introduction of insulin in 1923, he said. Prior to that time diabetic women could not even consider a pregnancy. But even then insulin alone did not solve All the complications associated with a diabetic pregnancy. Early fetal mortality was nearly 50 percent and one in eight mothers died during the pregnancy or shortly thereafter. One common complication in these pregnancies was that for reasons that Are still unclear the children of diabetic women Are often unusually Large and suffer from metabolic problems. Caesarean Section deliveries were routine but not always successful. In the old Days a common phenomenon was these big babies would tend to die before the woman finished her pregnancy Skyler says. Doctors used to have to worry about when to deliver whether the baby would suffer from immaturity or if it would stay in too Long and have a sudden  however Skyler says the situation began to change dramatically in the mid-1970s. The single most important event was monitoring devices that allowed women to keep track of their own blood sugar he says. That allowed women to obtain the sort of control that previously would Only be available in the  women using the monitoring devices mimic the blood sugar Levels of Normal women using multiple insulin injections or insulin pumps which attach to their arms and deliver a constant dosage of insulin. We can Monitor the mothers so Well now that we Don t have to deliver earlier and even can deliver vaginally if the baby is not too big Skyler said. He pointed out a program at his Hospital produces 96.3 percent live births in diabetic women a percentage not significantly different from Normal. Their mothers in Law made concerning child care housekeeping and other matters. Mothers who had failed to accept the fact that their sons were grown up and had a right to live their own lives tended to resent their  Fischer said that although in Law relationships have improved wives still have less conflict with their own mothers because they know what each expects of the other and have More of a Long term Bond. The women i interviewed for my Book Felt Freer to dismiss something their mothers did with a comment such As she has been doing that to me for 40 years " Fischer said. The wives also Felt Freer to Tell their mothers to get off their backs. If the mothers in Law made the same comments however the wives either kept the resentments to themselves or expressed it to their  the failure of both wives and mothers in Law to View each other As individuals is at the heart of conflicts Between them experts said. In some cases the wife resents the Mother in Law because she blames her for some annoying trait in her husband rather than seeing the Mother in Law As a separate person. She cited the example of a wife who wanted her husband to Stop leaving dirty dishes in their living room. When he refused the wife told him that the Mother was responsible for his messiness because she had never taught him to clean up. Mothers in Law also find it easier to blame their daughters in Law for some decision that their sons made which they did not like because it enables the mothers to avoid facing the fact that their sons have disappointed or Hurt them Eiffel said. Unfortunately in such cases everyone ends up feeling  for example Dorothy Kaplan of new York City blamed her daughter in Law Lynne when the family moved to Miami because she knew that Lynne preferred warm climates. After years of listening to his Mother s complaints David Kaplan finally admitted that the family had moved because he thought he would have better Job opportunities in Florida. The relationship Between wife and Mother in Law improved because Dorothy Kaplan apologized to Lynne. David Kaplan also Felt less guilty. Conflicts Between wives and mothers in Law sometimes occur because the husband often expects the wife to assume the responsibility for taking care of the Mother when she is ill or otherwise dependent. The Mother in Law complains that her daughter in Law is late when she s supposed to drive the older woman to the doctor or does t keep her Check Book in order because the Mother in Law wants her son to do these chores or show her More affection. The wife ends up exhausted guilty because she cannot meet her Mother in Law s standards and angry at her husband. The solution to such problems is for everyone to be More tolerant of each other and to share the responsibility Eiffel said. Unfortunately today s society still assumes that the woman in the family will take care of the elderly relative even though More women Are working and have less free  Erma Bombeck member the kids who 20 years ago spoke Only three words a year. None of them to you Well they re singing like canaries now in a poll that asks what should your parents have done for you that they did to parents you Are going to love some of their comments. My Mother was too easy. She spoiled me and let me get away with  they gave me too much. Everything i asked for was on a Silver  they put up with too much of my Bull. They were too  my Mother should have pursued a  my mom was too fussy about keeping the House  they both should have pushed me harder and taken More of an interest in my  Given the 20-20 vision of Hindsight indulge me while i give the parental Point of View. Why do we say yes when we should say no i la be honest with you no is not our first language. It s the hardest line in the world to deliver. Usually after we say it we grow fur Over 90 percent of our body and for a week or so everyone acts like we have something communicable so we say yes so we can hang out with the family. As for being too patient never confuse it with terminal stress. Sometimes after a kid has kicked the Back of the Driver s seat for 400 Miles whining i m hungry Yog lose your will to live. Basically there Are Only two choices open to you a do something that will entail incarceration and Legal counsel for your actions b Cave in to the demand. Pushing kids harder to make them achieve More is one i be heard from my own kids. These Are the same kids who invented the term Parent brutality for enrolling them in summer school. I gave up pressuring them the Day one child said i was pushing him hard on his science fair project on the evolution of the Frog because i was living vicariously through his successes. The career line i particularly liked was the Day the first Mommy went to work outside the Home marked the last Day the toilet tissue spindle was Ever used and the butter was refrigerated. We should be tougher. No doubt about it but Tough love is hard to deliver. Do we give or hold Back say yes or no indulge or deprive stand firm or relent be strict or easy there Are no manuals that come with kids no 911 number to Call. No computers programmed to spit out the answers. One Day we get this preassembled package to care for the next 20 years or so and we stumble around and make a lot of mistakes. So children Dearest the Burden is on you. Let s see what your kids will say 20 years from now. C 1986 los Angeles times Syndicate