European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - April 17, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns looking around for a decent Square meal by Paul Bourgeois staff writer while i m certainly old enough to understand that there s no Justice in the world the utter unfairness of it All continues to bother me. Take my food please. I have friends whose wives and mothers literally live to Cook. These women think nothing of whipping up nine course gourmet meals at a moment s notice. These friends however Are perfectly Happy with a Bologna Sandwich and Tang. I on the other hand consider eating my vocation. Food glorious food is my passion. It is my life. Yet All my life i have been surrounded by women who cannot prepare a Bologna Sandwich and Tang without a recipe. Take my mom please. How Many times have you heard cuisine promoted As just like mom used to make i Don t know where mothers got this reputation for being Good Cooks but i suspect it was a scheme dreamed up by the same group that inflicted Mankind with Mother s Day our Day to feel guilty and atone for All the Rotten miserable things we be done to them the previous year. My Mother does a lot of things very Well. Her cooking however is not Only Rotten but miserable. The woman has burned cornflakes. It was a frosty Winter morning.  Day for my special Oatmeal with bananas she thought. But being out of Oatmeal she decided to improvise and turn cold cornflakes into a Nice hot  hot yes. Nice no. In a Way it s really sad. She s been cooking or trying to Cook for 40 years without Success. Last year she created something she proudly called Sticky  nothing fancy Here. She plops a whole Chicken into a pot and Cooks the hell out of it until it is a mass of charred meat and Bones stuck to the Botton of the pot. It looks a lot like the Chicken that crossed the Road Only to be smashed Flat by an 18-Wheeler and set on fire. My Bachelor brother confessed developing a taste for the crispy bits of fowl flesh that Are scraped from the pot. He asked her to prepare it on his birthday. She was thrilled that someone actually requested something she can make. She invited my other brother my wife and me to come and enjoy Sticky Chicken " Well the stress of having to perform was incredible. We were banned from the Kitchen but Over the Din of clanging pots and pans we could hear her putting up a mighty struggle with the winged beast. Hours passed but alas she was unable to get the Chicken to stick properly. She could t Burn a Chicken when she tried. Take my wife please. If i had to choose one word to describe my first wife s cooking the word would be  i m not sure Why but the word daring is frequently used to describe my wives great chefs Are Able to Combine unlikely ingredients to create something wonderful. This takes daring. Unfortunately it also requires skill and you can t have one without the other. What can you say after you come Home from a hard Day at work and Are confronted with a big steaming plate of Winnie Stew and a Platter of Golden Crisco soaked Tennis Ball size blobs. I was overwhelmed. Quickly my mind raced for something diplomatic to say As i peered into the pinkish swill. My my that certainly looks interesting i said with enthusiasm. It began As your Basic Stew but instead of potatoes carrots and onions simmering in a Nice Brown Beefy Gravy they simmered in a pinkish Orange tube Steak a jus created by diced weenies oozing with red Dye no. 2. I made enough for us to have leftovers tomorrow and freeze the rest she said proudly. She was into cooking in Quantity. What do you think of the turnip croquet of is that what they  yes they were easy. I kept 10 for us to eat tonight and froze about another two  Well you certainly Are planning  yes and you la never guess what s for  i give up. Tell  prune jello take my life please. Friendly invitations can result in bad feelings by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners a family in a Small Rural Church verbally invited members of the Church to their daughter s wedding. Some who were close friends also received written invitations. Some people said you could attend the reception following if you received a written invitation. Others thought As Long As you brought a gift it did t matter. Gentle Reader the y All be sure and come invitation May sound Friendly but it is in miss manners opinion a disaster. No one feels particularly flattered by it because there was no indication that he or she As an individual was wanted. The generality of the invitation encourages the already rampant notion that guests am entitled to entertain their own guests at other people s weddings and there is no telling How Many  show up. As some invitations Are often made to individuals As Well it becomes Clear that there Are two classes of guests a rude notion. In this Case miss manners guesses that the family was inviting people to the ceremony but not the reception. Technically All Church ceremonies May be attended by any Church member anyway although it is not considered polite to take advantage of this. However she would certainly not blame any potential guest who misunderstood and interpreting wedding As meaning All connected events Felt invited to the reception. No wait she does blame some the ones that thought that a present would serve to buy their Way in. If no one cares enough about the bridal couple to attend their reception one is supposed to Send them a material expression of this affection but wedding presents miss manners keeps telling both bridal couples and their guests cannot be considered tickets of admission. Dear miss manners As a new Mother i have daily encountered the question Are you nursing am 1 oversensitive or is this inappropriate strangers such As grocery clerks and acquaintances such As my Boss s wife seem to think this is their business or at least an acceptable topic of conversation. Gentle Reader it s amazing what people consider their business and acceptable conversation. Miss manners is sure you did t get to be a new Mother without years of being asked whether you were pregnant and months of being asked whether you did it on purpose whether you wanted a boy or a girl and so on. If you did t learn before How to avoid answering a question now is a Good time to do so. It is excellent preparation for mothering. In this Case you need say thank you very much the baby is being Well fed. It is kind of you to worry about  if the rude question is then repeated you need Only repeat the answer More firmly with the loud declaration i said As a preface. This is a phrase that comes increasingly to the lips of parents anyway so you might As Well practice it. Dear miss manners in two recent situations at the end of an informal dinner where i did not know the Host hostess Well All the women stood up at the end of dinner to Clear the table. In each Case one dinner was at my Date s Best Friend s grandmothers the other when we were one of three couples at a Celebration All the women were there As a result of male friendships and were not Well acquainted. The men just sat there and talked. I was quite torn Between being gracious and offering to help and sitting with the men and Felling ungracious. Needless to say the men should have helped but were not about to do so. How can contemporary Well mannered women free themselves in polite society from being relegated to the unshared responsibility of Cook housekeeper gentle Reader by acknowledging that help May be necessary without acknowledging that Only ladies May provide it. Spring up declare of we must help and then put a Friendly hand on your gentleman Friend s shoulder and say you men Are just gossiping anyway Why Don t you Chat in the Kitchen while we women sit Down and really talk then sit Down. Dear miss manners i decided to buy my in Laws a set of table Linen for twelve with scalloped and embroidered edges for a gift. Would it be gauche to have the place Mats and napkins monogrammed with the name of the entire family or should i let Well enough alone. I m not sure How i would feel sitting Down to a table that shouts the family name the Way hotels shout theirs. Gentle Reader you Are quite right in your objection. A lady s linens should not appear to be marked in the Hope that she will be Able to identify them when the police have seized her guests. The full name is never used. A Monogram consists of two or three initials traditionally those of the lady of the House. Have an etiquette question write to miss manners in care of the stars and stripes Apo 09211f . Forces. April 17,1986 stripes Magazine