European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - July 7, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns candidate Barry still waiting for Money to Roll in by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers i note with considerable alarm that you voters have failed to mail in those Large illegal Cash contributions to my 1988 presidential Campaign. My official theme a commitment to  so far All we have received Here at elect Dave Barry Headquarters is joke contributions such As monopoly Money. Play Money of course cannot be used to pay for the kinds of resources that Are required to operate a modern political Campaign such As Beer though god knows we be tried. Of voters Fine. Have your fun for now. But one sorry morning in november you re going to Wake up and you re going to discover that the president elect is somebody named Michael Dukakis. Or even this could actually happen George Bush. Yes voters this nation has gotten itself into a Fine fettle indeed and i d like to take just a moment Here to explain How. It seems that for the past year while Normal people have been concerning themselves with Normal person issues such As car payments and weight control politically involved people have been engaging in the democratic process. When i say politically involved people i mean people who want policy level Federal jobs. When i say policy level i mean you get a car with a Federal chauffeur. When i say fettle i mean according to the Oxford English dictionary the material used for settling a Furnace. Funny. That s not what i thought i meant but who am i to quibble and when i say engaging in the democratic process i mean attacking innocent states at random. I have seen this and it is not pretty. All of a sudden on a prearranged signal hundreds of politically Active people from somewhere else arrive via rental cars in a peaceful state such As South Dakota and Barge around putting up thousands of cryptic signs like this Gephardt. Curious natives gather to look at these signs and scratch their Heads Gephardt. Then a rental Jet lands nearby and a candidate emerges to show his deep personal concern for the residents of whatever the Heck state it is. This is difficult because the candidate is always surrounded by a dense clot containing protective layers of secret service people aides to Crews reporters etc., All wearing special credentials to avoid being mistaken for Low life voters. The usual procedure is the candidate will order his aides to procure a resident somebody fetch me a female senior citizen and this person will be sucked into the clot my god it took Marg where the cameras can get a Good shot of the candidate exhibiting deep personal concern for her what s your name Marge great now somebody fetch me a negro or a hispanic. Sometimes a resident will get stuck in the clot and won t be Able to escape for Days. Shell stumble out blinking and find herself in a completely different state where the local residents will gather around her curiously what s it like in there did you see Gephardt what s a Gephardt anyway. After a state has been under attack for a week or so a primary election is held in which one fourth of the registered voters dazed and confused wander to the polls and give 17 percent of the vote to All of the candidates except one who gets 18 percent equal to roughly half the number of voters who would show up at a Remote bar on a tuesday night to watch aerobic dancers wrestle naked in jello and this candidate is declared the Winner. Then the major metropolitan newspapers print helpful analysis stories like this Fargo . Political observers feel that sen. Albert Core s surprisingly Strong third place finish in the South or possibly North Dakota primary combined with sen. Paul Simon s weaker than expected second place finish in the Ryukyu islands causes and Cov. Mario Cuomo s Surprise decision to reverse his decision on whether to set a firm Date by which he either would or would not probably make a decision regarding his non candidacy clearly indicates that momentum is shifting toward. Hey is anybody out there Reading this no. By about mid March most of the nation has returned its attention to car payments and weight control. But the democratic process churns on and somehow mysteriously belches out Michael Don t fall asleep i m still talking Dukakis and George How should i know i m Only the vice president of the United states Bush. And those Are your choices voters unless you come to your senses and throw off the chains of apathy and rekindle the fire of Independent thought and Send me a Large illegal Cash contribution so i can rent a decent sized Jet. I need a Jet so i can get around and explain my views to voters. I also need some views. I had some written Down on a piece of paper but i lost it possibly in a bar on aerobic jello night. If you find it please return it Here to Campaign Headquarters and you can be Secretary of the Treasury. Thank you. Confidant learns Friendship business Don t mix by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i have worked for a corporation for two years. My Boss and i have become very close co workers and he has confided in me numerous times. There is nothing romantic Between us he just talks to me As a Friend his wife has been cheating on him for about six months but he still loves her. He keeps telling her that with time the marriage will work. I know of this because it is my brother whom i love dearly that his wife is having the affair with. I Don t know if i should Tell my Boss who it is because i Don t want my brother Hurt in any Way. I do feel that once my Boss finds out it is my brother his wife is with i will be fired. My brother talks to me and tells me she in t Happy with her husband and she wants to be free from him. He says that they really love each other and want to be together All the time. Gentle Reader has t miss manners always argued that no Good would come of mixing Friendship with business you Are quite right in suspecting that when your Boss discovers that you listened to his confidences while holding conflicting loyalties and withholding relevant information he is going to be furious. You May indeed be fired. Not that miss manners thinks you should Tell your Boss everything. Violating your brother s Confidence is no act of virtue either. Your second Best Hope the first is finding a new Job where you will keep everything on a Businesslike basis from the Start is to Tell your Boss now that you feel wrong about having heard his secrets and have resolved to forget them. Let us Hope that he is As tolerant of your transgression As he is of his wife s. Dear miss manners several months ago a close relative and his Fiancee abruptly terminated their engagement. This was quite a lavish occasion with More than 100 in attendance. Quite a bit of Money and Many gifts were Given them by relatives and others. The intended Groom turned everything Over to his Fiancee. Since the engagement was broken should t the intended Bride return the Money and gifts As the Union did not come about i know wedding presents Are not returned. Gentle Reader miss manners is so mesmerized by the idea of 100 people assembling at a lavish occasion to watch an engagement being terminated that she can hardly answer what is probably a very simple question. Engagement or wedding presents should All be returned promptly if the wedding does not take place. Dear miss manners i Arn 13 years of age and my sister is 15. Many people often get us mixed up. I get called my sister s name and vice versa. We Are not twins but total strangers will come up to us and ask us if we Are. This does t bother me but i want to know what is the most Correct and polite Way to let others know we Are not twins or just simply that they called us the wrong names. We do look somewhat alike i must admit. Gentle Reader As just about All twins and a great Many other people have had to learn a great Deal of patience is required in dealing with this problem. But one must Bear with Well meant understandable mistakes. Just keep politely repeating no i m Denise. Victoria is my older sister until she grows up and leaves Home. Dear miss manners i am a married professional woman who has kept her Maiden name. I have had few problems with clients friends or colleagues As a result. However i continue to be offended and stumped by the unknown unidentified Telephone caller. How ought i respond to the person who has been advised that or. Jones is not Home and then continues May i speak with mrs. Jones As 1 do not recognize their voices i do not wish to identify myself As i would at work or to friends. Usually these Calls Are soliciting sales. Gentle Reader How fortunate you Are. Why Are you complaining about a system that instantly exposes strangers masquerading on the Telephone As acquaintances you need Only reply politely there is no mrs.  dear miss manners my Girlfriend and i Are invited to a wedding and we Are going to the reception dressed in formal gowns. Will we outshine the Bride or bridesmaids by doing this gentle Reader in whose eyes the bridegrooms miss manners tends to doubt it but you Are Welcome to try provided of course it is a formal evening wedding. Have a question on etiquette write to miss manners in care of the stars and stripes Apo 0921 /. Your question will be forwarded to her. Miss manners regrets that she can Only answer questions in her column. July 7, 1988 stripes Magazine