European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - July 14, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns More True life adventures of Zippy and Earnest by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers i regularly get letters from irate Macneil Lehrer fans who ask with All the serious problems facing the world How come you write about your dogs to which i routinely answer because i Don t know anything about your  also you can Call me an idealist if you want but this is my opinion by writing about my dogs i believe that i can bring my readers Rich and poor Young and old intelligent and Lite Beer drinking to a greater awareness of and appreciation for my dogs. I want my dogs to someday be at least As famous As Loni Anderson. I want them to receive lucrative offers to Star in major motion pictures based on their True life adventures. This week for example our adventure is titled Zippy and Earnest get operated on this adventure began when Zippy went through puberty a biological process that a Small dog goes through in less time than it takes you to throw away your third class mail. One minute Zippy was a cute Little boy Puppy scampering about the House playfully damaging furniture that is not yet paid for the next minute he was a Man Type dog. When the new mature version of Zippy sauntered into a room you could almost hear the great blues musician Muddy Waters in the background growling i m a Man Harmonica part yes i am Harmonica part a full grown Man. Of course in Zippy s Case full grown Means the size of a hostess Sno Ball yet somehow less impressive. But in his own mind Zippy was a major stud muffin a hunk of Burnin love a Small Caliper but High velocity projectile of passion fired from the saturday night special of sex. Unfortunately his target was Earnest. Earnest is a female dog but she was not the Ideal Choice for Zippy because All of her remotely suspicious organs had been surgically removed several years ago. Since that time she has not appeared to be even dimly aware of sex or much of anything else. Her Lone Hobby besides eating is Barking violently at nothing. Also Earnest is quite Large when she s standing up Zippy can run directly under her with an easy six inches of clearance. So at first we were highly amused when he stared putting the moves on her. But shortly the Novelty wore off and we started feeling sorry for Earnest who spent the entire Day staring glumly off into dog hyperspace while this tireless yarn Ball sized lust machine kept leaping at her sometimes getting As High As mid Shin and emitting these presumably seductive High pitched yips what s your sign what s your sign. So we decided it was time to have the veterinarian turn the volume Knob of desire Way Down to the stereo system of Zippy s manhood. If you get my Drift. The next morning Earnest was limping so we decided to take both dogs to the vet. They bounded enthusiastically into the car of course dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car in Case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. When we got to the veterinarian s office they realized they had been tricked and went into full reverse thrust but fortunately the floor material there is Slippery enough to luge on. So when we last saw Zippy and Earnest that morning they were being towed All eight legs scrabbling in a wild backward futile blur into the Back room. When we picked them up that night they were a pair of Hurtin cowpokes. Earnest who had a growth removed was limping badly plus we had to put a plastic bag on her leg so she would t lick her stitches off. And Zippy to keep him from getting at his stitches was wearing a Large and very comical round plastic Collar that looked like a satellite dish with Zippy s head sticking out the Middle. He had a lot of trouble getting around because his Collar kept hitting things such As the ground. For the next week if you came to our front door you heard the loud Barking of two dogs going into red Alert Mode but you did not see any immediate dogs. Instead you heard a lot of bumping and clunking which turned out to be the sound of a Large dog limping frantically toward you but suffering a major traction loss on every fourth step because of a plastic bag combined with the sound of a very Small dog trying desperately to keep up but bonking his Collar into furniture doorways Etc. Finally skidding around the Corner still Barking appeared the dynamite duo Bigfoot and satellite head. During this week we were not the least bit worried about burglars because if anyone had tried to break into our House we would have found his body the next morning lying in a puddle of his own drool. Dead from laughter. Be careful what you say about others in Public by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners recently my husband and i were dining out to celebrate my recent promotion at the company we both work for. The restaurant we chose is not one that is frequently patronized by our company s employees. We live in a City of 250,000 people. Our company employs 150, most of whom Are known to one another our dinner conversation entered on work As it often does. I mentioned the names of two fellow employees one by first name Only. I was holding Forth about criticisms one had made of the other. My husband stopped the conversation with a comment about the inappropriateness of mentioning my associates names in a restaurant. I was surprised and Hurt and it spoiled the evening for me. I feel that diners in a Public restaurant can talk about anything so Long As they do not disturb the other patrons. I also feel that the Chance of anyone near us hearing our conversation or knowing the people mentioned was slight. Also the diners closest to us were a Large family group and they were enjoying their own conversation. Is it bad manners to mention people s names in a private discussion in a Public place is it Good manners to bluntly interrupt another s conversation if one considers it to be inappropriate gentle Reader statistically the chances of your being overheard by someone who knew the people you were talking about May have been Small. But miss manners promises you that such a coincidence might Well have occurred. Perhaps that family group was about to have a sudden pause in its conversation during which you would have made a remark about a close Friend of the family a or even a relative. Perhaps no one in that family works at your company but maybe the children s baby Sitter the Mother s Uncle the father s brother in Law or a Cousin s Fiancee does. So you see your husband May have stopped you just in time. Miss manners Hopes he said what he did kindly. Perhaps he could have been More Subtle but that might not have worked. The Rule he invoked is not so much one of etiquette As of survival. Dear miss manners after the birth of a Good Friend s baby some years ago i purchased what i thought was a pretty and functional gift. She and i live in different towns so she could t have returned the gift to the store if she had wanted to. Two years later when i was pregnant for the first time this Good Friend gave me a huge Box of hand me Downs for which i was very grateful. Among the items was my gift to her still wrapped in its original plastic and never used. She told me that she knew i liked it and so she had saved it for me. I was embarrassed and Hurt to find my carefully chosen present returned to me unused. However i could see that my Friend was Well intentioned too. She knew i liked it and wanted me to have it. I did t want the item anymore. Every time i looked at it i was reminded that my gift was poorly chosen and had not brought the recipient any pleasure. I gave it to a charitable organization. Should i have Given something that my Friend could have returned to the store thus ensuring that my Friend would be Able to enjoy my gift As Well As my intentions should the giver s personal taste be reflected in a present at All gentle Reader rejecting a present for whatever reason is a hostile act causing just the sort of feelings you describe. You cannot Call it Well intentioned for a Friend to place the fact of your own Good intentions beneath her opinion of the present itself. She could just As easily have Given the item to Charity herself without your knowing. The question you ask about avoiding this is a difficult one because you had committed Only an act of thoughtfulness in selecting the present you incorrectly assumed she would appreciate. The Rule is that presents should reflect both the giver s taste and the recipients As far As that is known. Do not give below your own taste Standard is the directive that prevents you from thinking i consider it trash but it s probably Good enough for  perhaps the error was to attempt to please a rude person. Miss manners would be disappointed if this experience prevented you from the kindly act of attempting to please nicer people. Dear miss manners a Friend took me to lunch and we ordered the same entree. She liked it i simply did not. Since it was not the fault of the restaurant i Felt i had no right to ask for something else at my own expense of course. I ate most of it but i really did not enjoy it. Could i have done anything else what if i had been dining alone gentle Reader if you Are dining alone you May buy 12 dishes if you like and leave them All untouched. You will probably have a difficult time assuring the staff that everything really is All right but provided you do not attempt to blame the restaurant for your changes of mind you will not have committed an error of etiquette. The situation is quite different when you Are someone s guest and she feels responsible for your enjoyment. You cannot decently say i Don t like the dinner you bought me so i la buy one  just eat it will you How you behave is More important than what you eat. Anyway How bad can food be when it is of your own Choice and you acknowledge it to be properly cooked if you Are gracious perhaps your Friend will want to invite you out again and then you can order something different. July 14, 1988 stripes Magazine