European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - August 11, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Columns a confrontation with a spider named Bernice by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers on my 41 St birthday a sunday in july i ventured boldly Forth to face the spider. It had to happen. There comes a time in a Man s life when a Man reaches a certain age 41that he hears a voice often this happens when he is lying on the Couch Reading about Norway in the travel Section. This voice says Happy birthday. Do you think you it uld do something about the spider a Man knows just As surely As he knows the importance of batting left handed against a right handed Pitcher that he must heed this voice because it belongs to his wife Beth. Although she is a liberated and Independent and Tough woman of the 80s, Beth is deeply respectful of the natural division of responsibilities that has guided the human race for nearly 4 million years. Under that system it is always the woman who notices when the household is running Low on toilet paper and it is always the Man who faces the spider. And so i called softly for my son Robert. Robert i called and within a matter of seconds he did not appear at my Side because he was in the family room watching to commercials for breakfast cereals that Are the same color and texture As Fez but have less nutritional Content. So i called louder. Robert i said. Fetch me the wooden stick that your pirate Flag used to be attached to and the Peter pan Peanut butter Jar with the holes punched in the lid for i am going to face the  upon hearing those words Robert came instantly and he looked at me with a respect that i have not seen in his eyes for some time now not since we got the Nintendo. The Nintendo is an electronic video game that is mindless and non creative and stupid and hateful and Robert is much better at it than i am. He is 7, and he can consistently Rescue the Princess whereas i a 41-year-old College graduate cannot even get past the turtles. The worst part is the Way Robert says Good try dad in a perfect imitation of the cheerful condescending voice i used on him Back when i could beat him at everything. I Don t know where kids pick up this kind of behaviour. But there was respect in Robert s eyes As i strode out to face the spider As Well there should have been. Bernice that s her technical latin name lived in a humongous web outside our front door an Ideal location because in july the South Florida atmosphere consists of one part oxygen and 247 parts Mosquito which meant Bernice had plenty to eat. Also in the web was her husband Bill who was Only one sixteenth her size but nevertheless played an important ecological role in the relationship namely trying not to look like prey. I May be Small Bill would say All Day Long in spider language but i am certainly not prey i am a spider yes just a regular non prey  shut up Bernice would say. Yes Bill would reply. They were a fun couple. Nevertheless i approached them cautiously hoping any noise i made would be drowned out by the Roar of the Lawn growing. July is in what we South floridians Call the Rainy season because it would depress us too much to come right out and Call it the giant armpit  when we read the stories about drought stricken midwestern Farmers who can t grow crops in their Fields we Are forced to laugh with bitter irony because Down Here we can without trying grow crops in our laundry. I reached the web. With my son s eyes glued on me i Drew Back the pirate Flag stick and i struck. Hey said Bernice in spider. Hey Don t hit me said Bill. I m not prey but it was Bernice i had my Eye on. If i could poke her into the Peter pan Jar All would be Well. If she turned and lunged for me on the other hand i would have no Choice As a Man defending his family but to drop everything and sprint off Down the Road brushing wildly at myself and whimpering loudly. Fortunately she went into the Jar and i got the lid on real Quick and for a while we watched her once around in there and indicate via sweeping Arm gestures leg gestures actually i suppose what she was going to do us when she got out. I m Gonna sting All of your eyeballs she was saying again in spider. I m Gonna Lay 175 billion eggs in your ears. I m Gonna. This was fun but eventually we decided it was time to get rid of Bernice following the Standard procedure recommended by leading ecologists for the disposal of revenge crazed spiders namely release them on a drug dealer s Lawn. Like Many South floridians we have such a House in our neighbourhood As indicated by such Subtle clues As cars coming and going at All hours bed sheets Over the windows a big sign stating drugs for Sale Here Etc. We decided this would make a Fine new Home for Bernice so we drove casually by my son and i and i quickly opened the Jar and Shook Bernice onto the Lawn. She scuttled off angrily straight toward the House. I m Gonna fill your nasal passages with webs she was saying. I m Gonna. But she was no longer our problem. We were already driving off Robert and i going shopping for a present for my 41st birthday. Man criticized for seeking younger companions by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i am a retired professional gentleman of 59. Since my divorce several years ago i prefer the companionship of Bright professional women in their 30s. Some of my friends most of them women of about my age Are critical of me for choosing kids instead of ladies in my own age group for companionship. My current companion 39 told me that she had been lectured by two of her friends for wasting time with an old Man and had been Given pop psychology analyses involving father images. Is there in american society a social Norm which holds that there is something incorrect even improper about a romantic attachment Between a Man of 59 and woman of 39 or for that matter 29? is it Only Correct for an older Man to Date women within say five years of his age i believe that ladies who choose younger men suffer even More from explicit and implied criticism. Do you see any rationale for this gentle Reader there Are probably a great Many rationales pop psychology has answers for everything. The actual source of your older female friends complaints could Range from annoyance when the next generation fails to understand their references and jokes to the grievance that they Are not As Likely to find Romance with the Young As gentlemen Are. The Young lady s friends could also be smarting from a sense of Competition. None of this is etiquette s business. What is etiquette s business is that unsolicited curiosity and advice about other people s personal choices Are rude. So is All that emphasis on age. We Are supposed to judge people As individuals not As representatives of their age groups. However if you want to discourage this you had better Stop something yourself the Way you regard your romantic possibilities As representatives of a decade rather than As individuals. The position that you prefer women in their 30s" is offensive even perhaps especially to the ladies themselves who won t always be in their 30s. A Brief comment i can t understand Why you Don t like Lisa. She s really an interesting woman and she told me she d love to get to know you better would silence any critic. Dear miss manners when you Are the Host or hostess of a Small party what is the proper Way to Greet guests at the door a you see a car in the driveway and begin working your Way to the door so you can Welcome your guests at the porch. B you see the car but wait for the Doorbell and then head for the door. Also How Many times should you let the Telephone ring before hanging up i be always gone seven to 10.1 can t understand people who Call and give Only four rings. Usually i just get from the bedroom Down the stairs to the Kitchen and the phone stops ringing. When you go to a neighbor s door How Many times should you ring the Doorbell if you hear commotion in the House but no one answers the door after a minute or two Are you supposed to assume the occupants did t hear you or that they re hiding or that they Are getting dressed and you should wait gentle Reader before going to a neighbor s House ring the Telephone Bell. That makes it easier for them either to get dressed or to head off your visit. Expected guests can easily be greeted on the first ringing of the Doorbell. If not they Are allowed two or three very widely separated rings and one Knock in Case the Bell does t work. At parties driveway greetings indicate extreme impatience and should be reserved for sorely missed loved ones other people just get rattled thinking they must be very late. As for telephones let them ring for a while. Few people Are waiting by their telephones just in Case and unfortunately those Aren t the people who get the Calls. The ones in the Bathtub do. Dear miss manners my husband is a physical practising in a town 10 Miles from where we live. On the few occasions when i have gone to a doctor for my own needs or those of our children the doctors have graciously extended professional  they have not charged me at All. While i appreciate this generosity i feel very uncomfortable particularly if i need to go Back. It s like saying Here i am for my free  since the area my husband practices in is a Low income one it is extremely unlikely that he could at some time extend this same Courtesy to other physicians wives or families. I would appreciate your advice on How to handle this situation. Gentle Reader professional Courtesy a charming custom that is unfortunately being eroded is not the same As bartering. It is rather an acknowledgement that each member of tie profession is contributing to its objectives in his or her own Way As your husband seems to be doing. You need not regard it As if your husband owed free treatments to these particular doctors wives. However an occasional present to demonstrate your gratitude would certainly be in order. August 11, 1988 stripes Magazine