European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - January 5, 1989, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Pondering portions of Patrick Swayze s Anatomy by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers warning to parents this column contains mature subject matter such As butt and Phyllis Schlafly today s science question is do women have dirty minds answer i think maybe they do. I base this opinion on an event that occurred when my wife and i went with our neighbors Walt and Linda to see the movie dirty dancing. For the Benefit of the four americans who have never seen this film or listened to any of the seven dirty dancing sound track albums or watched the dirty dancing spinoff to show or cleaned their Gums with the dirty dancing line of Oral Hygiene products i will now present the entire script unedited first character boy is this bad dialogue second character yes first character hey listen what s that music on the sound track second character it s a song from the 60s" Patrick Swayze Hurrah now i can wiggle my butt to the beat we can see that Patrick Swayze s butt was the dominant theme. There was also a subplot involving Patrick Swayze s Chest but that was it. So anyway Walt and Linda and Beth and i were coming out of this movie and i immediately fired off several cutting intellectual remarks designed to cause my companions to shake their Heads in amused yet rueful agreement at the pathetic state of american popular culture remarks such As that movie stunk " right that movie stunk really stunk except that Beth and Linda were not listening. They were displaying no concern whatsoever for the a Patrick Swayze state of american popular culture. Instead Linda was whispering something to Beth causing them both to Giggle in an extremely suggestive manner and i just knew that Linda was not relating a hilarious experience she had that Day with an automatic Teller machine. No she was talking butt specifically Patrick Swayze s. Beth the Mother of my child the beneficiary of my life insurance was enjoying it. This surprised me. You can Call me naive if you want but i have always assumed that when it came to having lewd thoughts concerning specific bodily parts belonging to the opposing sex women were on a much higher plane than men. You hang around on the streets of any major City and you will notice that 100 percent of the suggestive Mouth sounds Are made by males. Females never make them. In fact females generally react to Mouth sounds As though they have just been offered the Opportunity to wrestle the world s biggest Leech which has to make you wonder what males Hope to accomplish by emitting them. I mean when a male Frog is looking for a Date he has enough common sense to make a noise that is considered attractive in the Frog Community such As Greep the kind of noise that makes a girl Frog forget everything she was told by the strict Frog nuns at our lady of the amphibious Pond creatures High school. Whereas you never see a human female Stop on the sidewalk and turn to a Mouth sound emitting male and her voice husky with passion Tell him my god when i hear you suck really loud on your crooked tartar Laden upper front Teeth i am filled with such desire that i must take you immediately to a nearby luxury hotel and put the room on my visa  also you rarely see women Leer which men do All the time. They can t help it. The male Central nervous system contains a Leer circuit that takes priority Over All other brain functions. When an attractive woman walks by a group of males thus activating their Leer circuits they will cease thinking about whatever activity they Are technically engaged in including brain surgery and All their available mental Energy will surge into their eyeballs which will sometimes come bringing part of the Way out of their sockets on cartoon style Springs. This can make co educational conversation difficult male the radio says nuclear War is imminent female my god no male yes the russians have launched hundreds of missiles toward. An attractive woman walks by female launched them toward where male launched what toward where this is a big problem for the . Supreme court where Sandra Day o Connor routinely finds herself several sentences ahead of the other justices. And yet we now discover Strong evidence suggesting that All this time she has actually on some level possibly even during constitutional arguments been thinking about Patrick Swayze s butt. You have to ask yourself if the nation s highest ranking woman judge is capable of dirty thoughts what about say Phyllis Schlafly or Pat Nixon what about Tipper Gore could it be that they re All thinking about Patrick Swayze s butt could it be that for All these years we males have been feeling like lowlife scum for nothing think about it men we need to consider the implications of this we need. An attractive woman walks by married woman advised to avoid singles bars by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners i am a married woman who enjoys going to singles bars. I live in a Small City where All the entertainment that i enjoy is predominantly attended by singles. I enjoy music dancing and meeting new people As much As any single person does but i have experienced some problems with this. I think that accepting dance invitations Only implies that i want to dance. Perhaps i am wrong to accept dance invitations from men other than my husband. A lot of people think so. Are they right gentle Reader miss manners never expected to see the Day when she would defend singles bars from the invasions of respectable married people. But House rules Are House rules and it seems to miss manners that singles bars freq enters have a right to expect everyone there to be eligible single. No doubt there Are those who Are fraudulently passing themselves off As such and miss manners Devotion does not extend to policing such places. But you Are proposing making yourself a nuisance to those who Are spending their time and Money for a particular purpose that you do not share. Flirtation which is what you seek is quite a different activity from the clearly declared searching for partners that goes on at singles bars. By definition harmless because it does t Lead to anything flirtation is a gentle amusement that now is seriously threatened by the goal oriented activities of those very people among whom you Hope to practice it. Tasteful flirting is done in Ordinary social settings the More conventional the better. This is part of the tact and restraint it requires so As not to imply that one s appreciation of others reflects on one s loyalty to one s spouse. Mass manners therefore suggests that you Start giving dance parties. Then you can dance to your heart s Content with both single and married partners without suggesting that you Are prepared to entertain your dance partners in other ways. Dear miss manners should a Man kiss another woman on the Mouth and Call her sweetheart in front of his wife i Don t think it s Good to kiss anyone you do not know on the Mouth that s How diseases pass from one to another. Gentle Reader this is not a health column. If it were miss manners would caution the gentleman that calling strange ladies sweetheart not to mention kissing them on the lips can be a health Hazard even if his wife is not present. The etiquette aspect of this is that some american subcultures chiefly in the entertainment business do use such manners As conventional greetings but they Are otherwise associated with Romance. Dear miss manners i Wear tinted Contact lenses which make my eyes seem More Blue. Often people who Don t know me will come right out and ask Are you wearing Contact lenses or Are your eyes really that color unless i be had a few drinks and i m feeling playful i usually answer them truthfully but in doing so i often wonder if i m defeating my own vanity through the admission. Are they being rude to ask such a question gentle Reader of course it is rude to inquire about the genuineness of another person s appearance. Can you imagine what this can Lead to dear miss manners what is the proper etiquette for wearing sunglasses i see Many people wearing them indoors in subway trains and at night. Once out of the Sun should not sunglasses be removed even though they May be part of one s ensemble when outside should sunglasses be removed when one is met by an acquaintance or introduced to someone 1 have the impression that the etiquette is similar to that of men wearing hats that they should be removed indoors or upon greeting another person. Is this Correct gentle Reader no but it s a Good try. Miss manners also loves to adapt etiquette rules from one situation to another but she is experienced enough at it to be aware of the difficulties. What Are you going to do about prescription sunglasses what about questions of protecting the eyes from fluorescent lighting etiquette is always required to make allowances for medical problems. Nevertheless your Point is Well taken. It is an annoyance to meet or attempt to Converse with someone whose eyes you cannot see. Miss manners would certainly support you in the request that anyone who comfortably can should remove his or her sunglasses when socializing. January 5, 1989 stripes Magazine 3